"Suprisingly my W takes the lead in suggesting that the issues that plagued her, her entire life are in many cases the same issues that plague her Mom. My W said that her facing of these issues and learning to overcome them are what is helping us in our M and we should apply the same awareness to this sitch. She told her Mom that her Mom isn't really up to date on where our M is, nor its affects on the kids. She said that we are really way much further along and in a much better place than we were before, that we are both fully aware of the others issues, progress, need for time and understand each other very well right now. I just sat back and thought "yeah baby, keep talking"."
Outstanding progress here! Just amazing! Think about how much validation you just received with the comments your W made. I mean you felt like things were improving, but your W pretty much confirmed it as well and in a fairly public way.
Way to go! Keep going Rick!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
"I thinking about it. Do you really take the mindset that every day is just this sole entity, kind of like completely living in the now? Do you not take comfort in being married as a sense of how nice this is to know that you have melded with this person for life? Or, is that too possesive? Should you just take every day, make the most of it, and do the highest and best things you can do? Does this all apply in a M?"
I try to live in the now but am not always successful. To busy looking into, worrying about the future. But, I'm getting better because it really is all we have.
I did take comfort in being married, having a partner, a shared history. Those times of doing things we enjoyed together are what I miss most.
Piecing means putting the pieces of your marriage back together.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
LAbug said - I have made great strides and know that I would not be as far along if H had not dropped the bomb.
Rick said - this nis all so bizarre at times. We needed the bomb or something big enough as a catalyst to allow us to break our lifelong habits that were damaging. So we do that, all the while terrified that we will be losing our S and fam. Then we face the ugly truth, have the guts to do something about it, reach a place where we can survive and even live a fulfilled life emotionally with or without our S, and then they start reaching back. It's all so weird to me. A few months ago I hung on her every word, and gesture no matter how small; and could not even imagine we could get better. Only when I felt I could move on from her then it started to improve. Still don't know where this will lead though.
2TP said - Outstanding progress here! Just amazing! Think about how much validation you just received with the comments your W made. I mean you felt like things were improving, but your W pretty much confirmed it as well and in a fairly public way.
Rick said - I am making absolutely sure I don't overreact.
I am making absolutely sure I keep thinking in terms of how I want to cintinue improvement and lead my life differently based on what I have learned.
If we can R fully then great, but I am not putting any time pressure on her at all. In a way, her recent thawing has made it easier for me to stick to my DB plan, which has in turn made her feel more at ease, and so on.
Looking back, I never imagined progress based on how bad it was, and it was so awful, and I remember my first post on this blog. I was so out of mind with pain and rage. I remember being so resisatnt to much of the DB concepts. When 25 yrs used to lay the wood on I was furious beyond measure, but then I remember thinking to myself that even if I can't see how she could say those things I going to trust her and follow the principles. I almost puked when I decided to do that. I was so worked up. I was an insane wounded animal...god you should have seen it.
LAbug said - I did take comfort in being married, having a partner, a shared history. Those times of doing things we enjoyed together are what I miss most.
Rick said - I really have to think about this as far as what my mindset will be if we R, or if I am in another relationship in the future.
My nature is to love with all my being, hold nothing back from who I love. So, if one is not supposed to think in terms that you have a contract with someone then what? To me, my marriage vow meant that we were one forever, so naturally I held my entire world view that I was both an individual and part of this H/W duo. I don't want to think that the my future relationship is a series of one-day contracts. That it what I think some people here are implying but I could be wrong. I'm a romantic and totally believe in life-long commitment.
- part of what my W is experiencing is a huge identity crisis, and major issues of self-worth, self-image, etc. She has spent her entire life bottling up things due to fear, and then trying to brainwash herself that what she is afraid to do is something she really didn't want anyway. So, over a lifetime she became completely unsure as how to express her true self, and not knowing that she deserves to be fulfilled.
So, she has been slowly starting to develop her photography abilities. I bought her a laptop that could handle the photoshop applications and some art books to complement her project. This may not sound like much, but she signed up for a photo course at the museum where we live. This is a big step for her because in the past she would have talked herself out of it, would have told herself she didn't deserve it, and she was talking herself out of it to me, and I just let her get it all out, then simply said that she deserves this. She did sign up! And I could see how happy she was this morning when she woke up. Step by step she's figuring things out.
The other thing I think is nice is that I found out that I have Monday off for MLK Day. I emailed her with this newfound day off. She emailed back saying that she has some time owed to her and she will take the day off too.
That never would have happened from bomb day up until this past month.
Step by step here for all of us, but at least the steps are going in the right direction.
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
I've found I like going to the movies alone. I could always ask a friend but I often go on the spur of the moment and see whatever sounds good, not really caring whether it turns out to be good or bad.
I saw Ides of March this weekend and enjoyed it. Of course, looking at George Clooney and Ryan Gosling helped!
It was set in Cincy, one of my favorites cities. Thought of jbnati.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
