Positive Break-through on Sunday Night, I made her laugh. She was somewhat laughing at me. But I made her laugh and we were looking each other in the eye and laughing at antics other than my daughter's--so that's a little victory. I followed that up with telling her a story about my daughter, which again made her laugh...again, two thumbs up!
We are still in transition mode this week. Her and my D spent the night at her new place last night, and I went over for dinner and then went back around 9pm to watch the BCS game with her. I should say we're not big sports fans, it's just that my wife went to one of the schools in the game.
That was enjoyable. But it is tough to sit there when she's silent...not really saying anything and not openining up. I got home to our house around midnight and didn't fall asleep until 1:30 AM, and up again at 7:30--so a little tired today.
I feel like I'm trapped at my job. My coach said I need to start looking for a new one, which I have...but today it feels so hard to go into a soul-crushing outfit like the one I work for and come home and try to read through job postings (who writes those things anyway? Sometimes I'm reading job descriptions, and I say to myself, "Do I really want another W2 job?") to find a new job.
I come from a line of small business owners, and haven't started a business because my wife doesn't want me to. I know that saying goes against one of the principles in DB (blaming your unhappiness on someone your spouse)--but starting a business can really have a negative impact on family finances--The old me would have said (especially to my wife), "So does leaving your husband to rent an apartment in the middle of the winter."
I'm sort of tight with my money, and the thought of all the money my wife is going to spend on this new apartment and this separation, really upsets me. However, I think on the positive side, if we can make it through this separation and she decides she wants to come back to me, then it's money well spent.
I know today is cast in gray because I'm running on fumes and I expect tomorrow to be much better.
I still have questions whirling in my mind about things like...should I use a different technique...my coach just said to be nice, confident and take care of myself and get a life and sit back and watch....all of that I'm doing...I've also done a great job of passing tests...but I somewhat feel like my wife is not testing me enough...Does that sound wierd?
What I mean by not testing enough is, she just shows no emotion to me really at all, that's not entirely true...I guess what I mean is she's still guarding so much of herself from me...I feel like giving up right now.
Even though I've been staying pretty positive on most things, I have these crying spells that come on. Lately, they've been coming on when I think about an instance of unconditional love. I was reading something from DR on Sunday while my d was sitting next to me watching Dora...Michelle was saying how touched she was about all the people who have gotten good help from this forum and how that's been one of the biggest blessings in her life--well I couldn't help it...my eyes welled up and I snuck out of the room and cried in the room next door.
I would say since this whole thing started on 9/16/11 I have cried at least 20 times. I wonder if I'm doing such a great job at getting a life...I went to a movie with a friend last thursday night, but it messed up my sleep since I didn't get home until midnight...and I didn't do anything social this weekend because my wife was moving out, and I was stuck with my daughter. I should have went to church--but I didn't because I was afraid my friends there were going to ask where my W was...
So what am I supposed to tell my friends? I guess I have to tell them the truth. But I am going to hate to have to field questions later like, "How are things going?" "Are you doing alright?" As man, I don't really want to show a weakness like that.
here's what I'll say
"Sandie and I are currently separated. We are just working on some issues right now. Personally, it would mean the world to me if you would keep us in our prayers and pray that we can reconcile."
Wow, I kind of like that...I just came up with that one out of the blue. Short, concise and somewhat eloquent.
Again on fear--if I tell people, I have no control how the information is spread from there...Even though my wife and I aren't social butterflies, I'm worried someone will bump into her and say, "Elmo told me that you're separated. I'm so sorry...he said that you guys were working on things right now. I pray everything works out" Which would send her into Runaway spouse mode again, since she's still austensibly holding to the idea of divorcing me.
You know...somewhere I read, most worries and fears are very irrational. If you keep track of your fears for thirty days writing down every one that comes up...you'll see how ridiculous most of them are. The fears we have about things that we can do something about are even better--because all we have to do is start taking action to dispell those fears and they will then go away.
So listening to my own advice, I need to just be honest about it...not worry about what happens...be myself, get a life. Keep exercising and working out...and most importantly, get a new job.
One last thing...I haven't done such a great job of no-spying. I keep looking at my w's cell phone when she's not around. I'm looking for evidence that she may still be speaking with the om. I have concluded that she's not. At least not via text anyway...so I have to stop looking at her phone. It's sort of become a mini-addiction, because there is some excitement about her catching me. I know, you don't have to say it---"Get a Life!"
"Things are never bad; it's the way you think about them." -Epictetus
