Well, trip is over and I am in the airport waiting to go home.
Not sure exactly why, but I was fighting off sadness today and had a minor breakdown with my friend around noon or so. I am feeling hopeless today in terms of saving my family. And I feel as if my wife's heart is as hard as ever, yet so many people say that she is struggling, too. I'll say it again, if she is struggling with the notion of D, she is doing an excellent job hiding it.
I am trying to stay out of the tar pit that is self-pity, but I still struggle with forgiving myself and internalizing all of the reasons why she was so unhappy. I am not dodging them, rather, I just am having a hard time saying "yes, you were right to leave me", even though I know there is truth in that statement.
She commented that she wanted to hear what I told my parents about MY contributions to our situation - which would basically be A LOT of the things I have shared about myself and my upbringing on this board. When it came up again, she said write a letter or an e-mail. Even though that may go against DB, I am thinking about doing it. Not as a "pursuit" behavior, but just to let her known where I am in this process and what I have learned about myself over the four months this saga has rolled on.
I know I like having a family. I never knew how much, but I can see how central that is to my life. Moreover, the strength of the bond that I have developed with my son tells me beyond the shadow of a doubt that I WANT at least one more child in my family. My w knew she did, and I was unsure after 3 years of infertility. Now I know that they give me more in my life than they could ever take. I never learned that as a boy or in my 20's, but it has become so clear.
I know that I want to be a husband, that that gives me purpose, partnership and pride. But I want to be a BETTER husband. One that listens and puts wife and family before any personal selfishness. My friend said in rather frank terms that I never learned how EMOTIONALLY SUPPORT a wife. She was very right. And that is where I failed my current wife. I want to be better for her, but if not her - someone someday. Having a wife and family under one roof means more to me than I ever knew.
