Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[Albuquerque]

Well it's been about 2 months since my last post. There are several reasons for that. My work schedule has been crazy. We are trying to get ourselves out of debt so any chance that I get to work, I take. Makes finding time for other things difficult. Second, H and I have combined our offices into one (for a reason I'll explain in a bit). So if I'm on the computer, he's right next to me. So there's no way I'd pop onto the forum for a little reading.

Overall things are going well. Still some bumps along the way, but good. We tell each other we love each other a lot. A whole lot. Way more than we ever did. And I think we mean it (at least I do) more than ever. That being said, he's still got issues that make things difficult. His attempts to wean himself off antidepressants and antianxiety meds didn't go well so he restarted. He plans to try again but not for a while. The other issue is that he has/had/still has a tendency to drink too much. One evening over the holidays, I went to bed. He stayed up with D waaaay late into the wee hours of the morning. He was drinking. They were outside the bedroom and I could hear him having a deep discussion with D. And while it was good, he was mildly slurring and it was obvious the only reason he was saying as much as he was, was because of the alcohol. He even came dangerously close to saying too much about x-OW (while trying to explain why long distance relationships don't work well). It pissed me off. I got up briefly and let him know discretely that I didn't appreciate him having a drunken conversation with D. He got mad. And continued the conversation after I went to bed. He also proceeded to send me several emails that were more condescending than the next. In the last one, he essentially told me to f*** off because he was having a way deep conversation with D and if I didn't get it that was too bad.

The next morning, I said nothing to him and went to work. I didn't want to overreact but knew that his actions were uncalled for. I did nothing wrong. I thought about it a lot. Then simply responded to his last email (in case he didn't even remember sending it). I stated that his attitude was rude and uncalled for. I also stated that he drank too much, drank alone, and it needed to stop. I didn't yell, blame, react etc. His response was calm and apologetic. He agreed that was rude and totally uncalled for. It started a conversation about what to do moving forward. Since then, things have seemed better. He seems to be drinking less. But I also know he's still drinking every so often. While I don't totally have a problem with that, he seems to be trying to hide it from me, or at least doing it on the down low. Not sure about that. He knows he uses alcohol as an escape mechanism.

As of right now though, he will be gone for about 2 weeks. This is the time of year where he has to work at a conference in a nearby town. Last year at this time, although he claimed to want to come back to me, he was acting weird. And x-OW (who last year was still kind of OW) was working at the conference with him. So it was really awkward. This year, he's moved back, our relationship seems to be doing well, and x-OW is NOT working at the conference due to cutbacks. Since she is in the same profession as me though, she WILL be attending the conference over the weekend. And she is good friends and drinking buddies with 2 of H's good friends/coworkers. So a reunion of sorts is inevitable. Kind of makes me nervous, but kind of not. I saw a lot of her last year. I hope I don't this year since I will also be there over the weekend.

Otherwise, things are good. D15 is still a handfull but she's 15. I'm still taking pole dancing lessons although not as many as I'd like due to my work schedule. But I did install a pole in my old office (that's why I had to move into H's office) so I can practice at home when I want. It totally creeps D15 to know her mom has a pole. I love it! I'm still not very good but may try to make a short routine to send to H while he's away.

While things are good, I try to refocus every so often on me and what got me here. It's easy to fall back into old routines. I've realized that I don't do as many outings with D as I used to because H is at home and often sleeps late (he works late). I need to figure that out because I really enjoyed having a more active life and feel like I'm letting him (unintentionally) hold me back again. Can't do that. I've also caught myself sometimes getting into whiny mode every so often. Dont' like that. Like him, I'm also a work in progress. I've learned so much. The pain has been great, but the results have been worth it.