25yearsmlc message to peeps

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you for taking this time 25, I know that I have really gotten so much from your posts.

Recently my H mentioned going to counseling together, and I haven't found a pro marriage counselor nearby yet. I am wondering if I should mention Essential Experience to him to see if it is worth it for us. It could be a good jump start for both of us as I continue to look for a MC. I know that I personally can learn a lot from it (forgiveness, etc). I am reading up on it now. Thanks for mentioning it.

Autumn

I cannot say enough about EE. But I went alone (without h) b/c I had my own stuff to work on back then (this was 22 years ago).

So I wasn't really going about my marriage at the time AND maybe even if I were, I would not have wanted h to hear me??? Inhibiting?

I did have mil issues so I recall feeling relieved that we could not go together for that very reason (logistical issues of childcare and his schedule also) and I felt I got farther on that issue b/c h could not judge what I said, although in truth, no one judges you there, at least not then...it's a safe place.

so i went on my own to work out unresolved childhood stuff and to plow through things that my IC helped me with. Thing is, with IC, whenever I made a breakthrough or insight, I had to leave and go home, b/c my time was up OR worse had to go back to work and not keep crying...lovely professional...did I mention I went when I was pregnant? Kind of cooler.

For me and for h, a weekend workshop or retreat was more "efficient" timewise and emotionally too. I felt I got some resolution and had an action plan for my life when the weekend was over and that's HUGE.

And EE will revisit the past but only in ways that are productive and EMOTIONALLY SAFE...

Like I said, I went first. But when h picked me up at the airport he said he could see that I "looked more serene than I ever had, except for possibly when our son was born"...that was true. I was so content.

And in the following weeks, the changes he saw in me got hIm to want to go, which I fully encouraged. A few months later he went. Then while he was there and we were out of contact (it's a busy time for participants) I got worried that he'd hate it and he hadn't called. But then he called to thank me for "the best gift he'd ever gotten in his life." That's from an Army guy...


If I were you, I'd call them to ask what THEY believe about going together, if you are in crisis as a couple. There's a session in late January (CALL NOW if you are interested b/c it will fill up!!) and late April, so if they suggest you go one at a time, that may be possible. It used to be only twice a year.

Autumn, fwiw- I have the highest regard for the people who run it there and know them personally and...well...I'll leave it at that. Except I'll add that I'm NOT paid to say this stuff.

EE was among the most profound experiences of my life, with Retrovaille probably being the next. If you read its' website you'll see what EE is NOT.

If you cannot do EE, then do Retrovaille and yes I'd say do it in that order as I've done both.

I cannot recall the exact nature of your problems but if your h and you are BOTH sincerely willing to work on the m, then EE might be fine to do together OR you could send HIM first or you go first, etc....even if, or especially if I were divorcing, I'd definitely do it as well b/c you gain clarity and confidence as you get in touch with your best self - and remember that oh yeah, YOU are in there!

The value of it really lies in the changes that others see in you and that you feel.

Oh and h and I did it together as "Team" helpers (@no charge, btw) and that was incredibly bonding...that was where h first told me, after 8 years of marriage, that I was his "soul mate all along"...

Good luck! I'm excited for you.

I may call ahead to tell the folks that some DBers are headed their way. Let me know or keep me posted...

((( )))