Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Isn't it funny to realize how we were then, as opposed to the way we are now ???
There were days when I thought I was gonna die, and there were days when I went outside, and screamed at God to give me more, so that I could find my breaking point.
It never occurred to me that regardless the outcome...I was going to come through this, more enlightened than I ever thought I could be. That only I, could define myself through this, and be the person I wanted to be.
It's good to read through those old threads once again. The people that one meets, and the friends one makes through this. Some are memories, some are daily contacts. Yet they all played a role no matter how large, or how small.
Originally Posted By: 25
But you'd have to put a WAS2Sad ahead of my "name' b/c he got me through a lot, as did FIB, (faith is believing) and faithful husband...and Baseball Annie and Holly06 & others...
There is a plethora of information on some really great threads if any of you want to take the time to find these old threads.
Truly amazing works of people that are striving and growing and learning.
That is what I took from 25's old threads. Was that she CHOSE to look inside, to grow and to learn. That she didn't just become the person that she is today. That she chose to ask the hard questions of herself, and was willing to put in the time to do this FOR herself.
Accuray.......The Alt, or alternative universe....
Is a very large social network....that the TOS here, prevents us from using, or giving our contact information for...
There is a Divorce Busting page that has a lot of really good wall posts....
Correction, I just bookmarked the whole thing. This will take many readings to digest.
Yeah, once I get to my home computer I'll be doing that too, in addition to the words of wisdom thread Kaffe Diem started...
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
Thank you for taking this time 25, I know that I have really gotten so much from your posts.
Recently my H mentioned going to counseling together, and I haven't found a pro marriage counselor nearby yet. I am wondering if I should mention Essential Experience to him to see if it is worth it for us. It could be a good jump start for both of us as I continue to look for a MC. I know that I personally can learn a lot from it (forgiveness, etc). I am reading up on it now. Thanks for mentioning it.
Autumn
I cannot say enough about EE. But I went alone (without h) b/c I had my own stuff to work on back then (this was 22 years ago).
So I wasn't really going about my marriage at the time AND maybe even if I were, I would not have wanted h to hear me??? Inhibiting?
I did have mil issues so I recall feeling relieved that we could not go together for that very reason (logistical issues of childcare and his schedule also) and I felt I got farther on that issue b/c h could not judge what I said, although in truth, no one judges you there, at least not then...it's a safe place.
so i went on my own to work out unresolved childhood stuff and to plow through things that my IC helped me with. Thing is, with IC, whenever I made a breakthrough or insight, I had to leave and go home, b/c my time was up OR worse had to go back to work and not keep crying...lovely professional...did I mention I went when I was pregnant? Kind of cooler.
For me and for h, a weekend workshop or retreat was more "efficient" timewise and emotionally too. I felt I got some resolution and had an action plan for my life when the weekend was over and that's HUGE.
And EE will revisit the past but only in ways that are productive and EMOTIONALLY SAFE...
Like I said, I went first. But when h picked me up at the airport he said he could see that I "looked more serene than I ever had, except for possibly when our son was born"...that was true. I was so content.
And in the following weeks, the changes he saw in me got hIm to want to go, which I fully encouraged. A few months later he went. Then while he was there and we were out of contact (it's a busy time for participants) I got worried that he'd hate it and he hadn't called. But then he called to thank me for "the best gift he'd ever gotten in his life." That's from an Army guy...
If I were you, I'd call them to ask what THEY believe about going together, if you are in crisis as a couple. There's a session in late January (CALL NOW if you are interested b/c it will fill up!!) and late April, so if they suggest you go one at a time, that may be possible. It used to be only twice a year.
Autumn, fwiw- I have the highest regard for the people who run it there and know them personally and...well...I'll leave it at that. Except I'll add that I'm NOT paid to say this stuff.
EE was among the most profound experiences of my life, with Retrovaille probably being the next. If you read its' website you'll see what EE is NOT.
If you cannot do EE, then do Retrovaille and yes I'd say do it in that order as I've done both.
I cannot recall the exact nature of your problems but if your h and you are BOTH sincerely willing to work on the m, then EE might be fine to do together OR you could send HIM first or you go first, etc....even if, or especially if I were divorcing, I'd definitely do it as well b/c you gain clarity and confidence as you get in touch with your best self - and remember that oh yeah, YOU are in there! The value of it really lies in the changes that others see in you and that you feel.
Oh and h and I did it together as "Team" helpers (@no charge, btw) and that was incredibly bonding...that was where h first told me, after 8 years of marriage, that I was his "soul mate all along"...
Good luck! I'm excited for you.
I may call ahead to tell the folks that some DBers are headed their way. Let me know or keep me posted...
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 great thread. I read your 1st post back from April 2006 and I felt the hurt, confusion, and anger. Can't believe that you were here once. Even as I read your early stuff you came across as strong. Gives us hope. You were funny than as you are today. Thank you for all the help and 2x4's.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Well now that I understand a bit better, I actually would prefer to go it alone. I have issues that I need to work on that were pre-marriage, may have contributed to issues in my marriage (ok absolutely did contribute)
I live too close to this not to go, and happen to have the January dates open. I really think I am going to do this! I am super excited about it too. I will check with H about staying with the boys and handling the house for the weekend, but hope to call them tomorrow to schedule
H and I are definitely not in crisis, we are absolutely still in limbo, but would not say crisis. I think he would fully support me doing this, and we can still continue looking for a MC at the same time.
Sorry 25 I forgot to add, I will absolutely keep you posted. I found a fantastic quote today that I have been hanging on to all day.
"We can always choose to perceive things differently. You can focus on what's wrong in your life, or you can focus on what's right." -Marianne Williamson
And I LOVE MW and that quote! If you are close let me just say that one of the times I went as a team member and brought peeps with me, to Philly, was FROM ALASKA!!!...yeah, so you better go...
man I am so psyched you may be going...
SMALL WORLD....beautiful...be brave, and be VISIBLE...you know, speak up.
It's 4 days of you stopping at the scenic overlook of your crazy freeway life, to see how you want to live your life...take the time to LOOK and change directions if you want...it's okay!
AND there is more structure and purpose than you realize, so trust the process. Don't freak b/c they ask hard questions at first and you'll feel discomfort, (WE ALL DID) and you'll think you'll never get answers...you will. Trust the process. They know what they are doing... call ahead to talk with those in charge to get comfortable and see if you can get housing "from the community"...trust that your needs will be met, as they are here.
clap clap clap...applause for Autumn!!!
really truly I am so pleased! And hey, a little envious...
(((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you so much!! I don't suppose you can come as a team member again :-) It was worth an ask!
I am sure as it gets closer and when I first arrive, I will feel nervous but for today I am very giddy. I turn 40 this year, what a great time to do this for me
