Husband Left...Part 4

[25yearsmlc]

Hopeful I apologize for the hijack but will post to you later---today

NTX DAD---

That's rough, sorry to hear you are having to go through this.

My wife had some text conversations with a man last spring that were inappropriate. We've talked about it several times and the conversation never goes well.

so the approach is NOT working? So what will you do differently? Anything?

What's funny is that as inappropriate as that situation was, she always steers the conversation into how terrible it was for me to snoop.


so you continue to bring it up and she steers it back, so you both got nowhere? DO you have any regrets about snooping? Do you still do it? What will it take for you to stop?

We are getting along now and have decided to work through our issues and repair the marriage,

Wonderful....How did you do that? How will you repair the marriage? Do you have a plan? How will YOU change? I ask that way b/c As you know, YOU are all YOU control...so, the question is,

what's your game plan for becoming a man only a fool would leave?


however I told her one of my non-negotiables is that she MUST stop being friends with this person (he's our neighbor).


they live close to your home? So you are going to move away?

How will you Judge the results, or verify if she is obeying your dictate? (your word choice)


She's thinks it's controlling of me and said she could terminate the friendship, but is upset that I am dictating that she does so. I told her it's really her choice and that I will make my choice based on hers.


Well, it IS controlling but that's not the question I have.

So you gave her an ultimatum & then I wondered, Have you read the Div Busting or Div Remedy Books? They do NOT recommend ultimatums except in rare circumstances so I was curious if you'd read the books....


Anyway, I hate to be negative but really at some point we all need to decide what's acceptable and not acceptable, and make a stand no matter what the outcome will be. We have to have self respect. As Dr. Phil says, "You teach people how to treat you."

I don't mean to hijack but NTX Dad...I disagree with your approach.

I hope you'll read my post on my thread. It's the first thread I've started in years, literally. I hope you'll check out the relevant parts...
It's -about what I learned from all this DBing solution based approach to marital crisis.

There's something in there you may find relevant about how YOUR behavior is viewed by your wife - which is crucial for you to understand. For ME,

I saw your response to your w's texts as very rigid and perhaps punitive.

Granted, I do NOT know your story so that's all I can tell you about my initial reaction, so I'll be the first to say my comments have limited value.

But your comment about self respect reminded me of things I said when I was feeling punitive with my h. I'd use "self respect" and "teaching consequences of his choices" as code words for vindictive action stemming from my wounded pride and hurt ego and ANGER.

Thank GOD I had a brilliant DB coach who helped me recognize that.

I learned the hard way that there's a fine line between self respect and false pride... sometimes it's a blurry line and a shifting one...

enough said there.

Hopeful, I'll post to you today...

I'm sorry for your pain. However I can say you ought to be there for your h when he talks about his late daughter--of that, I'm sure. If nothing else, it's the Godly thing to do. And timing DOES matter, so

do NOT MIX the events of * fighting about your snooping VS his inappropriate contacts,

AND *supporting him with his grief over his Dead daughter...

keep these things separate...more later

((( )))