Crimson, sorry you're having a bad morning. I suspect the pain is a necessary part of the learning experience, unfortunately.
Also, sorry for not offering more information about myself in my previous post to you. At 30, I married a 39yo man who was divorced with 4 children (yes, I believe I must have been crazy.) We've been married for 17 years, T for 18. Currently same house, separate bedrooms, like unfriendly roommates. I just ordered the book, waiting impatiently for it to arrive.
I have a unique situation here in that I'm the WAW, yet I feel like I'm the (only) one that's still desperate to save my M. My H is very reactionary -- he'll respond when the fire is hot, but as soon as things cool, he's back to his old self. I've been telling him for years that he simply wasn't going to believe that I would ever leave him until I handed him divorce papers, and then it would be too late.
I think the most frustrating thing for me is that my husband already lost one family, and he claims it totally devastated him. You would think he would have learned from that and done better the second time around. Instead, he seems to have just picked up exactly where he left off (only after we were married; beforehand he was a prince.)
To give you some possible insight into your wife: I'm tired of being angry and disappointed. I'm tired of interacting with my H like he's a child and needs to be told everything. I have a child already -- I need a partner, not another child. I'm tired of so many broken promises. We all heard the story of the boy who cried "wolf" when we were kids, how does it not apply to some? I simply don't believe them anymore. And there's been so many examples of temporary changes, I have no reason to think the next time will be any different. And the worst part for me is when he DOES change, he simply proves that he can change, albeit temporarily, so when he drops the changes, it's obviously a choice. He's only applying the changes to get what he wants, and as soon as he gets what he wants, what I want no longer matters.
I'm not sure if you've had the same cycle, but it gets really, really old from my side of the equation. It gets to the point that it seems it would be much less painful to divorce and start over, or even to be alone, than to keep trying. But that's a very hard-earned decision, and once that mindset is acquired, you don't want to let go. It's freeing. It offers hope. It sheds light on the possibility that you might be able to find the person you used to be, before you married the "love" of your life. Although you know you might be looking forward to a boatload of ugly, at least it's a different ugly. And it's ugly that you might be able to have some control over. And there's even the possibility of a happy second marriage (it happens.) Could it be worse? Honestly, it's hard to imagine.
I hear that you've been at this for some time, but how does that time compare to how long you weren't trying? You feel bad now, for months, but maybe your wife felt bad for years. Even with as much as you're putting into it right now, how much time does it take out of your day? When I add up everything I wanted from my husband in the course of a day, it would have cost him maybe 15 minutes, if he did a really good job. It takes an incredibly loving spirit to want to be giving to someone that has already been "taking" from you for so many years. And I doubt your wife has it in her right now. I know I don't.
It's a bit of a catch22, but you doing now what she wanted all along but doing it in response to you losing something you want, probably doesn't feel to her like you're doing it for the right reasons. You couldn't do it when SHE was the one feeling the pain, only when YOU'RE the one feeling it. It's really tough to be empathetic to that, when she's been the one feeling the pain all along and is only now feeling better by being away from you. Plus, even if you're doing everything you should have been doing all along, that doesn't get you out of debt, only keeps you from getting worse. (Think of it like putting on 50 lbs. You have to do more then just eat what you should have all along to expect to actually lose weight.) I'm not sure what it will take for her (or me) to want to reunite. I'm not sure what you or my H can do to make yourselves irresistible.
I can't imagine anyone that would want to step back into hell if they had a chance to get out, even if they acquired a few permanent scars on the way out. I can honestly say that if it weren't for my S11, I would have left my H long ago and never looked back, even if it meant being alone for the rest of my life.
Funny, I'm here hoping to figure out how I'm supposed to want to go back. I can forgive and not be angry/vindictive, I just don't know how to muster the desire to even want to talk to him, much less want to hold hands or any other sort of intimacy. He keeps telling me that he loves me, as if that should mean something to me, like I'm so completely unlovable that I should be willing to accept anything from him. Besides, I've lived with his "loving" me for 17 years and it's not very appealing. It also seems like everything is so haunted with the memory of conflict, I don't know what we could do together that wouldn't leave a bad taste in my mouth before we even started.
If I was your wife, I would ask, "Why? What for?" It seems like my H is relying upon feelings to save our marriage that he spent the majority of our marriage trying to kill.
I'm not trying to discourage you, I think you're doing a wonderful thing and I believe you're sincere in your efforts. I'm just not sure how it's supposed to work out happily-ever-after, coming from the other side of things.
