I'm new here so a little about me: Married in Jun 2011, together for 4 years prior. I'm 30, H is 32. We have had a great relationship, loving, caring, strong physical and emotional connection, no real fights or arguments.
We ran into a hiccup last year when my gut told me something wasn't right. I noticed on our phone records there were A LOT of text msg to one number. So one night I looked at his phone and true to my gut there were very flirtatious txts between him and a girl 11 years younger than he. I confronted him on it right away and he initially was furious I looked then apologetic and affirmed it was nothing and just a girl he trains (he's a personal trainer). I said ok they have to stop and its disrespectful. Then he started with the somethings not right in our relationship...I'm just not happy....I love you but I'm not in love with you. Time passed and we just got back to the normal us. When we chatted about it a few months later he apologized for putting me through that and thanked me for putting up with him and that he felt 100% better. Things got better and better with us, wedding went ahead and everything was fine.
After the wedding I started getting that weird feeling again. I knew he still trained her and she was around and I hated it. I voiced my concern but he affirmed he was just her trainer. I let it slide and just thought it was because I knew she was around. When he was away on a trip with the sports team he plays for I got that weird feeling and checked his email - he had sent her a picture of himself with his shirt off. I was floored. I didn't know what to do with the info so took a screen capture and kept it to myself because I didn't want to let him know I was checking his emails.
Over the summer we had a few arguments, all to do with this girl. He finally told me in August she was moving away to go to school and I felt a huge sense of relief. I felt she's out of the picture and we can get on with our life without a 20 year old interfering.
In get our phone records and I noticed there was still some communication going on between them. It infuriated me. They had never ever stopped talking after the previous year, i felt that he would tell me they had to make me feel better and just hide it from me.
In September I went to log onto his email and noticed he changed his password. I was nervous with him knowing I had been in there, as I hate the fact that I was snooping.He never said anything about it. At the beginning of October he had to go away for work, which isn't unusual but again my gut feeling started flaring up again. Something didn't seem right about what he was saying and this trip in general. He took a while to tell me where he was staying and was very vague. Upon his return our phone bill had come in and I just had a quick look through it and noticed that the city he said he was in wasn't the city the phone bill said he was calling from and was actually the city this girl had moved to. I was furious and immediately confronted him on it. He denied it at first, then when I told him I had proof he caved. I asked if they had met up and he swore that they were going to but it never ended up working out. It was then (a month later) that he told me he knew I was checking his emails and he was so mad at me and it made him question his love for me and made him feel like he was falling out of love. I asked why he didn't say anything and he couldn't answer.
We started talking more about the issues and at first he didn't make much of it. But the more we spoke the more he kept saying he didn't know if he could forgive what I had done and it was making him question everything. He, similar to the previous year, got into this negative vacuum. I really started thinking he was depressed. I told him people get over this stuff all the time and we have issues with trust and communication and we just need to work on them but he completely shut down and hated that I was being so positive. I said people get through worse than this all the time and he pulls the "I don't want to be like other people", " I don't know if i can get over this". These types of conversations evolved to the similar "I love you but I'm not in love with you", "I'm just not happy in our relationship" (yet couldn't answer what would make him happy or what it was that was making him unhappy). The only thing he would say to me is that he felt something wasn't right and I would be sat on one couch and him on the other and we might as well be there along. He said our relationship wasn't going anywhere. I told him relationships and love take work, they don't just happen. I didn't understand how he could say our relationship wasn't going anywhere - we travelled all the time, were out for dinner with friends, had an active social life and through all of this still had a sizzling physical connection, ML pretty passionately almost every second day. None of this was adding up and everything he was telling me sounded like excuses. I felt in my gut he was lying about something and my suspicious were about this girl.
At that point he was still living in the house, still sleeping in bed next to me. One night we had a pretty big blow up about my issues with trust, and his inappropriate behaviour with this girl. I said how are you the only person who doesn't see what you are doing is wrong. We fought and went to sleep. The next day I got to work and the first thing I saw was he had added her to his friends on facebook. I lost my marbles at him (and I might add I have only done that maybe 3 times in our relationship - all about her). He said it meant nothing, they were only friends and he didn't understand why I was making such a big deal over it. I said it felt like a slap in the face after everything that has been done and said. It was that night he came home from work and said my reaction had made him feel worse about everything and he was going to stay at his friends house for a few days. That was Oct 28.
He came back home a few days later and we tried to piece things back together. The first night was normal and the second night he was quiet and I finally said whats up, a fight exploded and at the end of it we were done (as in our relationship). A week later, after not having any communication he came back and said it wasn't fair on him, me or our relationship to make rash decisions and we had to work on it. He said he was happy where he was at the moment but we would start hanging out every other night and work on it. We did this for two months. I told him that it wasn't helping me much because it was devastating every time he left. Our nights together were great and yes we were still being intimate. He was doing loving caring things for me as he normally would yet was telling me he wasn't in love with me. Soooo confusing.
In this time I had started see a councillor who was so helpful and really felt he should come to. He would ask questions about it etc and I said it was for me to improve myself and if he ever wanted to come
As christmas approached I started getting anxious on what he was planning to do and one day I texted him and asked. He said "I don't know, probably staying here why" so i finally said i'm going away and spending it with my bro. I think this shook him a bit. He called me before I left and was interested in what I was doing, when I was leaving, when I was getting back and what I was doing with the dog. He asked if he could stay at the house and look after him cause he missed him. I said fine. The whole time I was gone he was calling me to make sure I got there ok, and see how my xmas was going etc and said he wanted to pick me up from the airport. I said fine.
He picked me up, asked to sleep at the house, asked to spend the night in our bed, was physical with me and said he would come up the next day to talk after work. When he came up he alluded to the fact that his feelings haven't changed (yet doesn't get expressive in what these feelings are) and alluded to us being done. When i finally said whats going on he just said "i guess we are done". I said you don't just end a marriage by saying the words like that and not having a plan - which he had none. I said if this was his decision he had to sort it all out.
I started hearing rumblings of more stuff between him and this OW (which I hate to even call her because she is 20). I confronted him on everything and he still affirms he only trains her. So I finally told him I had seen pictures in his email and only then did he say it was a "flirtatious" relationship but was never physical. I told him I knew they spoke on skype, that they still talk on the phone at 2, 3, 4 in the morning - all inappropriate. He is lying about everything.
I asked why he married me and he said because he loved me. I said how do your feeling change so fast because you told me in september you started questioning your feelings. He said it started happening before that - which only leaves July and August. I said you can't fall out of love in a month, he said maybe I can. I said you don't forget 4 years of love in a month. I decided then and there to call his bluff on the girl to see his reaction. I said take out your phone we will call her now and clear this up. If you are being honest and its nothing it shouldn't matter and I need this for my own peace. He wouldn't. So I took out my phone and started dialling her number - he was losing his mind and freaking at me saying "why do you have to involve her, this is stupid, etc etc" his reaction along speaks volumes!
I told him its time he is accountable for his actions and decisions. His inaction after even saying we are over shows he isn't being accountable and doesn't want to face what he is doing. I speak often to his mom and his family. They agree that none of this makes sense, there is something else and he is lying. His grandfather says he has a history of acting, then thinking and when faced with consequences running away. He hit the nail on the head as that is exactly what he is doing. Through all of this anytime he is confronted or things aren't going well he runs and hides, sticking his head in the sand hoping it will all go away - that isn't reality. Its actually like he is not living in reality, just living to the next moment. He has alienated his friends and family from all of this, only talks to people that tell him what he wants to hear or that won't pressure him. It s affecting his job, his reputation, his whole life yet its like hes living in a fog. How can someone change so quickly ( and I suspect it has a lot to do with this girl)? HOw long can someone live in the web of lies? He is changing history when we talk and changing the things that he says to me. essentially lying to get through to the next minute. He's lying about lies and even his mom is catching him in that.
I am at the point I don't know what else to do. I am GAL and trying to go as dark as possible but tend to explode at him the more I hear about this girl.
Any help and guidance would be greatly appreciated!
