Is There Hope?

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks a lot for looking over my situation.

To clarify a couple of things.
- We are Canadian and in the CF, common-law has the same rights as a married couple. Everything is exactly the same. With concrete proof (eye witness, photos, video) he would be charged and sent home early from his tour. His career would be badly damaged.


I still doubt that b/c of having served in combat and the relative short duration of your relationship. But hey, I'm not going to fall on my sword for it. Since you won't act on it, it's a non issue I guess. And no I am not suggesting you act on it.

- I do not have any of this kind of proof. NOR would I do this to him DESPITE what a jerk he is being
- The bills and housing stress - we have had A PLENTY! lol!! And I am taking care of it all. But one great thing is I am good with money and I have got him out of the hole in every bill and debt he has. Something nice to come home to I am sure.

If you are this good with money then why do you need his home to live in? I mean no offense but what's with needing his house if you were on your own just last year?

Also, are you paying his bills? You mean with his money, right? You are not lending him money, correct? If you are, then you get it back with that POA the day before he comes home so it's "all squared away and he doesn't even have to worry about it".

And please if we've learned one thing here in DB land, is to have NO expectations of gratitude from him at all....maybe never...but surely not a lot if he's not even talking to you now.So don't think he'll say "that was nice to come home to." Sorry one, but that would shock me.

I will take your opinion at face value that he only proposed to me to keep me to take care of his house, but I don't think that's entirely true.


I did not say it was the only reason.

I suggested it as a possibility, and moreover, based on the track record, the short time you were dating, then you threatened to break it off or had a dramatic fight about a possible OW,

THEN He proposed and got deployed. Sure the timing of the engagement is convenient only for him...it sukks for you b/c you could not date while he was gone but clearly he had no such obligation....

but I don't doubt he had feelings for you.

He also had a prior wife AND presumably prior feelings for her. What did you learn about him from her in a 3 hour talk?...


He wouldn't have signed his entire life over to me if this had been the case. I have EVERYTHING. His house, life insurance, POA, the works.

But I def agree that because we don't have any legal ties besides whats listed above, and because this relationship is in its first two years,(FIRST YEAR, right? Didn't you only date 5 months and then move in and then fight and then get engaged and deployed and...well it's not biggie, but I got confused about the length of this. I thought your time together was a matter of months but no it does not make a difference in your analysis. You are being brutally honest but better HERE on this board than when he returns and again, have LOW or zero expecations about a loving reunion. )

that it is probably a good idea to let it go. I am not the type to take advantage of my position with the POA and stuff (which lots of women have/do - I've heard horror stories of guys coming back from tour to an empty house and bank account )

shocking their military has not remedied this. Most of my relatives are French Canadians. I'll have to remind them.

OTOH there were stories of men who refused to give ANY POA to their wives b/c of control issues or paranoia and when they were in Vietnam, they left too little money or zero allotments to their families for the food and rent,and there were kids living on welfare in squalor.

NOW, when you get deployed those things are handled by, among other peeps, legal officers so no one gets screwed at either end. It's not fool proof of course.


I totally agree with you that I need to back off. This may sound like a small feat, but yesterday was day one! That I need to basically act as if it's over. And you know what? I DON'T want to be in the relationship the way it is now. So I guess I will lean on this to help me detach.


it's not a small feat but it's mandatory. So you have day 1, done. GOOD!!

BTW it was crappy of him to blow off your birthday.

What really concerned me was how you excused it and said your family wasn't big on b-days...so what?

YOU had been big on HIS birthday only a short time earlier...that's the standard to go by and he blew it and when you told him (ahhh backslide of neediness and attempted guilt inducing nearly always backfires) and he still blew it off....ouch.

One, This man is bad news for you on all counts, sorry.

I don't care how great he was in bed or how poetic he can wax, he's not been kind to you since a month after he got there AND

before that he messed around...yeah he did.

And as for "proof" of an affair taking place 3000 miiles away, seriously...what could you possibly get that would be "proof"??

if not the contacts and messages you have seen repeatedly, are you sayng only a film crew can prove it? You can't put a camera in his quarters and beam back the info so I'm not clear on how you expected proof. Oh him telling you and admitting it?

Did he ever voluntarily do that before? Didn't think so....And the ONE reason he'd be a fool to admit an affair now, if no other reason is exactly what you said

you have access to all his property and his home.

A lot of women don't handle adultery well and might go nuts and he things you are too snoopy so maybe he fears your reaction to the truth....Who knows?

Does it matter now? Think of Thailand and how he treated you AND then blamed you? He sounds like a borderline personality disorder narcissist...or just a cruel selfish guy. I'm no shrink.

(though you say on one hand you are not married or engaged but you assumed all the responsibilities of that commitment...you just did not get the benefits...do you get free health care? Anything other than rent?

Backing off BIG TIME and in an upbeat warm way as if you are the lucky one (and you are)

it's the only realistic way I can see, based on his "feedback" to you, his Classic OW behavior of treating YOU badly so you'll "leave him" and free him to date openly

and his irritation at you for reminding him that he's taking advantage of you AND your neediness was a turn off. And OW is....there...physically. You are not.

He's the type of guy who has to have what he wants when he wants it...

Do you believe that makes great dad material?

The bar room scene suggests little chance of him being a monogamous type --but for the right woman who makes him work for it, MAYBE..maybe not..


As much as I love him. As much as I hope we can be in each others' lives, things need to change drastically for both of us in order for it to survive.

Thank you very much again for taking the time to give me some insight. And for backing up that I have a right to 'back off'. I kind of felt... guilty.. backing off before because he is in a crappy sitch over there. But he doesn't deserve (or want) different right now.

Today is another day~

111

God help me for saying this but If he has skype and private quarters he's not front line. I don't say that to minimize but please don't let his present sitch excuse his behavior. If anything most men are KINDER and MORE loving when they feel their time is short or they want to shore up a r they hope to rekindle. For a guy coming home in a month, he's NOT acting like he wants back IN....when my h and I are apart we are MORE romantic and expressive. I can't explain why but many friends report the same.....

Yes I understand marital stress - After over a decade of post grad schooling for law and medicine, We were both active duty, in a war, had 2 small kids at the time, were apart long periods and as far as I know neither of us cheated.

Been m over 30 years now, been through some crisis internally and externally and 3 deaths in 14 months, a 4th death 6 months earlier (over there) and have a lot invested in our marriage, and raised 3 kids.

I say Please, cut your losses.

I have never said that to any married or cohabitating woman with kids or even to someone in a LONG term r

but to me this isn't even a year together, is it?

I guess what i am trying to say, however feebly I am wording it,

is you are LUCKY to know this all now. It's a blessing in disguise. I know it's a dang well disguised blessing b/c it feels like heartbreak but it is still so much better to deal with this now, cleanly, than later.


Is there some part of you that thinks you are so "Old" that you have to settle for this if you really want a child that badly? Please don't be offended by that question, I am just a bit confused by what you are tolerating from this non relationship and what you are getting out of it.

It was "so good" for so short...

Do you want THIS man's child? What do you love about him? Not how he acted with you good or bad but what are his qualities you admired or loved?

And now?

As for my h's deployment, I am not thrilled for obvious reasons. Been there, done that. Thought the war was over too btw....and he's taking a HUGE PAY CUT to go so we're going to maybe lose our home.

IOW we were active duty but now he's in the reserves. H Does Army stuff one weekend a month but works in private practice the rest of the time.

Now when he's deployed and they do NOT match his civilian pay all I can do legally is keep the home from being foreclosed....WHILE HE'S GONE , BUT the month he returns we lose it.

Nice touch huh?

but you know how I cope with that and having 2 kids at home and working? And not letting free floating angst about him being bombed hit me in the face every hour?

By realizing that in the grand scheme of things, if the only thing we lose by my h going off to a war zone is a house,

then we'll start over and build again, and we'll be luckier than thousands of soldiers who did NOT come home
OR
who came home missing limbs.

My h treats those soliders now in the wounded warriors project.

I believe in supporting the military and detest spouses who cheat or fool around with money while their partners are in war zones or just overseas serving their nations for that matter.

b/c it's really a dastardly thing to do. It's like cheating on a pregnant woman. You just don't do it. It is what a "CAD" would do...

But he's been a cad to you and you are NOT doing anything wrong by simply arranging to move out and be on your own AS HE HAS REQUESTED...

I didn't see a retraction from him. How can you feel guilty about anything here? I'm a little worried that you need to talk to a t if you think you've done anything wrong or are you leaving something out?

Was there a retraction? Did he ask you to stay in the home?

Even so, why depend on him for anything? it's such a set up for being a doormat b/c you'll feel so trapped.

And that's exactly the oppposite of what you need to be if you want to attract him.

I'd move out and GAL big time, and MAYBE if you can, take the dog or some item that means he'll have to contact you. The dog is best but can't be a hassle to rent a place with.

Then he'll see you looKing GOOD and being upbeat and NOT taking him to the cleaners but being independent and attractive, and expecting NOTHING FROM HIM AT ALL...

and being mysterious and busy acting as if you "get" his choice and you accept it with resignation and regret FOR HIS SAKE,

b/c YOU know YOU will be fine without him as you were before AND you are an improved version of yourself now, so great things are happening in your life now and right around the corner too...

You know this b/c YOU have become a woman only a fool would leave

and if you become your best self and he still chooses OW or to move on

then he is a fool and it's a BLESSING to learn this now.

a bientot!