Too Little, Too late. 2

[purgatory]

Thanks Bond!

I guess I logically knew all of this, but hearing someone validate my thoughts is reassuring. We are meeting the MC today. I feel more confident of setting my boundaries in her office because I know that he won't 'go off' on me... and the MC is really great at affirming choices that are good for both of us.

I don't think it's ever occurred to him that he would need to *ask* permission to come over... because he hasn't fully realized that his choice means: this is not *his* house anymore. It's sad, really. My H wants everything to stay the same- but at the same time, wants to get away from *me* and have his own space.... how's that cake taste?!?

[ces67]

Good luck at the MC. Our MC suggested we read a book actually called "Boundaries" It not really a marriage book but it does help understand boundary issues.

I don't think it's ever occurred to him that he would need to *ask* permission to come over... because he hasn't fully realized that his choice means: this is not *his* house anymore. It's sad, really. My H wants everything to stay the same- but at the same time, wants to get away from *me* and have his own space.... how's that cake taste?!?

[/quote]

I think my W is doing something very similar. She wants to do nothing to work on the M but expects me to continue to provide support and be helpful. She continues to live in the house and take no responsibility for any expenses and does not give active pursuit to getting a job. In the meantime I continue to pay down all the debt that she's contributed to significantly.

I guess that's what you all mean by "cake-eater".

Good luck!

[nhmom]

Hi Purgatory,

Isn't it nice when our WAS has all these expectations that they think they can receive?

I agree that your H is making unreasonable expectations of you and seems to misinterpret the idea of a S. Yes, ideally we would all like to see our kids every day, but the only reasonable way to do that is to stay together. And since he's choosing against it, he needs to learn about the consequences of his choice.

Do you feel taken advantage of? If I were you, I would. He is expecting you to be accomodating in every aspect. He's using your house and your time. He is expecting you to make sacrifices when he is not. Yes, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. As hard as it is, you need to set boundaries and learn to say 'no' when it's inconvenient for you. I'd say even make up a few excuses even if it were ok with you. Let him know when things are not ok with you. It seems like he's treating you like a doormat. What else do you do for him? Do you cook for him? Do you do his laundry?

[nhmom]

Hi again,

I didn't mean to come off strong in my previous post. I guess I'm feeling that I'm turning into a doormat myself and am angry about how my H is doing his cake eating, too. We, the LBS's, are expected to do all these things, yet the WAS is doing what s/he pleases and thinks it's ok to make such expectations. At what point do you say enough is enough? Where and what is the line between being accommodating and keeping a smoothly paved path home and being a doormat?

I hope your MC session went well. I'm looking forward to reading your update and what your C had to say. I'm sure a lot of it can apply to my sitch.

[purgatory]

Journal:

I'm glad that we still go to MC sessions, but they are emotionally and mentally exhausting!! My H and I use our MC as a sounding board for ideas and/or to keep ourselves focused on our goals.

We talked about H moving out in 2 weeks and the expectations for 'kid time'. I expressed that I didn't want to be taken advantage of and that I also didn't want to keep H from the kids at all (I wanted H to really hear that statement.) I did most of the taking, H listened and C asked a few probing questions. We came to the conclusion, that without too many other options at the moment, wee need to go forward with our plan and check-in after a few weeks to see how it's working.
I actually feel ok with this simply because I expressed my concerns, and H heard them. Whether or not it changes his behavior, is on him.

We talked about telling S5 and came up with a plan, or actually no plan. S5 hasn't been traumatized my our current sitch, or even when H moved out in August... so we are going to let S5 set the pace. If he brings up a concern, we will address it- together. But until then, we are staying focused on keeping the kids as the focus, which means that H and I are the ones to make the sacrifices... and we are both ok with that.


It's really hard to listen to H make such definitive statements, such as:
"We'll have to explain the D when I get back [from Afg.]." It reminds me that he can see us still in this same sitch even a year and a half from now... that's upsetting.
"I miss our talks and I really want us to have our friendship back, but I don't want to give you any false hope that we can have an R again... so I don't try to be your friend now." Wow, you could have knocked me over with a feather! It felt the air has been sucked out of my lungs. I guess he thinks that he's doing the 'honorable' thing by not leading me one... but really??

Our C said that we have come a long way in our communication skills, and I made the comment: "Yep. This is new for us, only within the last 6 months" (I glanced at H and he was looking at me and nodding. C also joked that she could probably leave the office and we would be fine and stay on track with our talks- basically telling us that we are doing good.

**I've often gotten the impression that our C thinks that we will turn this around- but of course she can never say that. She made the comment that she was "surprised" when we told her about the bomb. Today, while we talking about the arrangements when he gets back, she said: "well, there will be some changes, or you guys could be on a completely different path." It's nice to know that she's pro-M**

I don't feel that we made huge leaps and bounds today. I am happy that my feelings were heard by H. I can only hope that the combination of my setting boundaries, him getting his space (and hopefully coming to miss me), and my DB efforts will lead to a change somewhere in our future.

Other interesting updates:
* I don't have sleep apnea This is good and bad b/c they still don't have a trigger for my heart/lung stress. I have 5 more procedures on Friday that will hopefully point to a cause and/or solution, if not... then I have to have 'exploratory heart/lung surgery'.... that does not sound fun.

* H is staying at his new place tonight. Not officially moving in, but he wanted to have a sit down with both his friend and his W about expectations/ arrangements... how kind of him to check with the W that she's on board with everything. He told me tonight: "I need to talk to [friend's W] and since it's so late, I'll just crash there since there's nothing stopping me. I'll come home after work for S5's b-day stuff" and in the same breath, he said: "I know it's last minute, if you don't want me to go, I won't." What does that mean?! I said: [color:#CC33CC]"I appreciate the courtesy of asking me, but I don't think anything I say would stop you."[/color] He grinned.

On a lighter note, H and I were talking across our breakfast bar. He continued talking while walking around it to come to the sink next to me.... he stopped mid-sentence when he got around the corner (where he could see my butt leaning over the counter) and never finished his thought, lol! I know that he's noticed my weight loss and more flattering clothes (b/c he told his brother) but he won't ever say anything to me. It just made me feel good that he checked me out and it was enough to distract him from his thoughts

[ces67]

Hang in there. My wife has said similar things to me. She doesn't want to be nice or kind to me because she said I would just think things were OK and I'd go back to whatever it is I do that drives her crazy.

Chalk up a score for you on getting checked out too! Good for you! I'd love to have something like that happen but it just never seems to go that way or my W if really good at hiding it.

Hope the next few weeks go OK for you as you all adjust to the schedule. Did anything change from what your H wants to do about stopping in each night or is that pretty much the plan?

Hope they find a solution for your sleep soon. Can't be fun dealing with all this AND not getting any rest.

[2thepoint]

"I need to talk to [friend's W] and since it's so late, I'll just crash there since there's nothing stopping me. I'll come home after work for S5's b-day stuff" and in the same breath, he said: "I know it's last minute, if you don't want me to go, I won't."

"On a lighter note, H and I were talking across our breakfast bar. He continued talking while walking around it to come to the sink next to me.... he stopped mid-sentence when he got around the corner (where he could see my butt leaning over the counter) and never finished his thought, lol! I know that he's noticed my weight loss and more flattering clothes (b/c he told his brother) but he won't ever say anything to me. It just made me feel good that he checked me out and it was enough to distract him from his thoughts"

Small steps, Purgatory......

Wishing you the best with your medical tests. Having to deal with health issues in addition to M problems has got to be the PITS! Hang in there!

[BklynMom]

My H also asked me for permission to leave us like yours is asking you for permission to sleep somewhere else. Its so crazy. Come on he said "if you dont want me to go, I wont" really??!!

They dont want "abandoned their family" listed on their Mr. Stand Up Guy Resume.

I do the best I can now to ignore my H when he asks me these cockamayme questions. Like "What do you think of the location of my new apartment?"

I am no an expert but I think your C is missing something about your H and doesnt quite see the crisis he is in, but thats just my 2 cents

[purgatory]

ces67: Sorry you've had to hear the same things, it's kinda like they take your heart out of your chest... do the cha-cha on it, then replace it and expect you to be 'ok'.... takes a while to recover from those. btw, my sleep issues were only a small part to my larger heart/lung issues: I have a hole in my heart and unknown right side increased pressures at any heart rate above 140 which cause my oxygen to be decreased to 80% and therefore get lightheaded and pass out. They think (and this is what all these tests are trying to determine) that I have an un-common disease that has a life expectancy of 10-20 years... so I've been living with that possible reality on my shoulders in addition to M issues.

2TP: thanks for pointing out those small positives, I tend to overlook them. I also needed the reminder to take 'small steps'... I keep wanting to make this a sprint, instead of the marathon that it actually is. And with my health issues, I won't be running marathons any time soon! I've actually thought about some things that I can do to feel empowered again... I'm thinking skydiving!

[purgatory]

You might be right about C missing his crisis... b/c he is calm, rational and even jokes with me in her office. And none of that is fake, those interactions are how we've always functioned.... then as soon as we're out the door, it's like he can't get away from me fast enough. I really wish H would go back into IC so he could get a grounded opinion about his behaviors. Our C office has a conflict of interest policy, so H can't gave 1:1 with our MC, and same for me... all though I would love to get her honest opinion of us as individuals.

I need to learn to ignore the crazy statements. So is it just their way of justifying their actions? They can tell themselves: "I gave her the option to give me her opinion, and she chose not to." As if anything I ever said wouldn't be seen as controlling or b!tchy, then he could blame that on me again and say: "see, *that's* why I'm leaving you, you haven't changed" I really hate the WAS mind games!!