Today is a better day. It has been super busy at work and my mind is much more clear.
Something strange... my ex emailed me at work at 1:30AM my time to just comment on how pissed off at me he was and 'what the f*.. do I want'
I ignored the email and here's the funny thing... We have been having those re-adding each other to Skype issues and lo and behold... he's readded me to Skype.
So a question if you please... I want to go dark. Like severely dark. Pretty much no contact with the exception of a case of emergancy/banking issues.
Well, he is going to be PISSED at me. I will get swearing emails asking if I am ignoring him, etc.
Can I just let all that go? Or should I pacify him with a small answer?
He's been so harsh with me, I don't even want to talk to him because it just opens the wound. Can I be harsh back and ignore him?
Thanks again to everyone who's taken the time to respond to my sitch. I am having a rough time and can't really talk to anyone IRL, so it helps so much and it helps to know that none of you are biased either, so the advice is honest and true.
One11, When my sitch devolved to angry exchanges, what worked for me was setting a boundaries around what communication I would respond to. Communicating those boundaries and sticking to them.
I explained in an email we were both angry and emotional, and that I needed time and space to bring peace to myself. I would only contact her if an emergency came up. I would keep anger and emotional content out of our conversations. I asked that she respect this and do likewise. From my perspective no emergencies came up so I did not initiate contact.
When I received those emails and voicemails I did not respond. When I received communication that was important to respond to and were respectful of me as a human I responded to the extent necessary. It has not been easy, but at least I was able to abide by the boundaries I set.
This worked for me to shield myself and prevent me from escalating the anger. It did not defuse her anger. My refusal to engage in the argument seemed to escalate it. The escalation was her doing, her reaction.
This did not work to “bust” my D. It did help me keep my sanity and although it is speculation I think STBX wanted to record an angry response to use in furtherance of her cause. We live in a no fault state so the court would not care, however an out of control diatribe would have negatively affected my relationship with other family members.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Thank you, I think that is exactly what I will do.
One of two things is going to happen.
A) He will continue with mean emails then when he gets no response, he will seften up, at which point I can tell him that unless it's an emergency, that I need some time away from contact with him
Or
B) He will continue with mean emails and stop contact since he is getting no response.
For what it's worth, my W used to barrage me with some of the most vicious verbal or written assaults I've ever experienced when I began to withdraw from her. The venom continued for a long time, then stopped. Now she seems to be at a place where she is realizing that I am more likely to respond to her if she is respectful to me.
Also, I am wondering if any of you have experience with no discussion/confirmation of OW/OM? He won't admit it to me. But I saw proof. He probably doesn't want to admit it as it can get him in trouble with the Army.
Maybe a little trouble but I doubt it would be much, as I'm a former JAG Corp officer (lawyer) and don't know what 'crime' he's committed since you are not married. I'll check if there's a visa violation later on in the posts but that's for an immigration lawyer.
Furthermore, in combat situations commanders do NOT want their soldiers distracted by home problems while on the front. That's why IF you were married you'd have more support services available to you.
My h will be deployed this summer so I feel for you BUT we don't have a short history and we have children.
It's true that the engagement was convenient for a man who wants a woman waiting for him AND taking care of his things. Since he has retracted that and the engagement is off
what's going on? YOu are still chasing him and that's a turn off.
If you really want him back OR if he's just using you and has moved on
your best course of action is the same...(have you read the Div Busting books or the Div remedy books? They form the basis of this approach so it helps to know the terminology. Buy the books no matter what.
And buy "the Five Love Languages." too. After 30 years of m, I still find those the most helpful.
So, you back off BIG TIME and you GET A LIFE and become upbeat. If he contacts you, you act like the girl he fell in love with.
You are a woman only a fool would leave and you are NOT to act engaged b/c you are NOT.
that means no more snooping b/c he has told you or you told him, "it's off" so what's there to snoop on?
He cheated and it's clear. No "confirmation" needed. He should not have proposed but it did keep you on the hook while he could do...whatever...
sorry but I see it that way.
Yes you may be able to turn it around but it's by doing the same thing as moving on cutting your losses and NOT looking back.
he knows how to reach you if he wants...let HIM do the work or you'll never have reason to trust him again.
But I am sure this is how he can go to so easily throwing away what we have and wanting it to be over the moment he gets back.
I think before, after Thailand, thats why he was keeping me afloat with the "lets see how it is when I get home" because he wasn't sure. Now with OW it makes sense that he'd want me out of his life ASAP and for sure.
God I need help!
Or do you guys think since we weren't married that I should cut my losses and move on? Does that piece of paper matter to what effort you put in to keeping a relationship alive?
to me, heck YES...as do children. If I had no children I would have divorced my h when he went bonkers on me and moved along.
I'm not sad or proud or ashamed of that fact. But it's a fact that having kids motivates you to suck it up more and put your pride aside so you can handle MORE stress than you ever wanted...
but you have NO kids and NO wedding license so why on earth would a dating relationship
in the PRE MARITAL (comparatively EASY) relationship phase, without much stress and no kids or bills not being paid, or tuition or downpayments due , or job loss, etc
Just his physical absence to deal with WHICH he cannot do... why would all this be worth it for a guy you basically were just dating?
At this stage of things, you should be getting swept off your feet and loving the falling in love stage and now and then, learning how to resolve conflict
instead of hiding your feelings, fighting, escalating and then retreating...very unhealthy. Never resolving the conflicts. He lies or cheats, then gets caught and THEN he attacks.
great...not...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Oh and I should add... *IF* I CAN live with him until May. It may be too difficult. He would also have to agree that we are not allowed to bring people home. This OW and him would most likely continue their affair as she lives in our hometown too. He may not be willing to do that.
I just don't think that there is any way I could stay in the house if he was bringing her, or other women over.
I just thought that living together for a bit when he gets home and gets to decompress,.... maybe things will change?? Maybe his feelings will change?
make plans to move ASAP and make arrangements for his dog if you can...if you cannot, find a temporary home for him. Once the engagement got called off and he blew you off then you owed him nothing...
tell him and move on but do it in a polite upbeat way like you "get" that he's chosen someone else...and YOU have moved on too. NO drama, no big deal, and NO NEEDINESS FROM YOU....no clinging.
he's been a flirty cheater from the get go and you've put up with too much and then he decided a ring would shut you up but that was too much b/c you still expected things from him, like contact and you do sound a tad clingy and needy.
I doubt he wonders what YOU are doing when he's on skype..
have some mystery and keep your dignity. he's the 40 y/o with nothing but a divorce to show for himself. And he'll have to find work when he returns...and that's not easy these days.
unless he's a lifer in which case he may prefer another soldier as a wife.
you Do realize you are better off finding out NOW than later when you have two little ones and no job experience...right?
and IF IF IF there's a chance this serial philanderer who can't be even be true to a woman he just fell in love with CAN be monogamous
it's only for a woman who sets AND ENFORCES CLEAR BOUNDARIES
no snooping games or "Gotcha" moments anymore.
Be done with him unless and until HE catches up with you.
If you have to keep the dog AND you can, fairly easily, thats your way not to be a doormat but dump back his finances on HIM.
My brother is there now (3rd tour) and he pays his bills and that's that.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
His ex wife came by to pick up mail and some other stuff on Thurs nite. It was the first time we met. We ended up talking for over 3 hours. She had a lot to get off her chest and so did I. But it was helpful to get some insight from someone who knew him well.
I have a nagging suspicion she wrote him an email. And if I am right, that is why he is so mad.
I want so much to write him and say "WHY WON'T YOU TALK TO ME" I want so much to know if I'm right about my convo with the ex getting back with him.
Honestly, I feel like I am losing my mind a bit here.
what right does HE have to be angry at you for speaking to someone who came to the door
to handle MORE OF HIS BUSINESS??
gee it sounds like HE has someone else who can do the finances and paperwork he soooo needs that he can't tell you about it.
FIND ANOTHER PLACE TO LIVE...DON'T FORCE HIM TO KICK YOU OUT OR TREAT YOU SO BADLY THAT YOU'LL MAKE YOURSELF LEAVE AND HE CAN FEEL BETTER ABOUT HIMSELF...
I'm tellng you to get out of that house ASAP! And I'm betting you learned some things about him from his ex w that were NOT so flattering.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move along.
It was not so long ago he was not in your life. Go back to that happy time and start over...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I rarely say stuff like that^^^^ but this is crazy. No kids, no wedding license and NO RING and no time invested...AND
no kindness!!! barely contact...
He said he wants you out...what are you waiting for, eviction papers? He'll get to that when he returns and all his things are in one piece.
One11- like I said, IF there is a chance to turn this around it'll be by you getting back the spine you had before assuming you did have one. But seriously, did you? I don't mean to be mean...
but was the dating relationship really so deep? Did he know he was getting deployed and needed a warm cushion at home??
Sorry but I have served myself, am married to an officer and have 5 brothers, 4 of whom have served...I have seen many if not MOST MEN keep their vows.
But there are some who make up for the rest
and he made NO VOWS to you that he feels obligated to keep now.
YOU are both free to date. I'd at least act as if I was but not to tell HIM...
what are you doing TO GAL??
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
To clarify a couple of things. - We are Canadian and in the CF, common-law has the same rights as a married couple. Everything is exactly the same. With concrete proof (eye witness, photos, video) he would be charged and sent home early from his tour. His career would be badly damaged. - I do not have any of this kind of proof. NOR would I do this to him DESPITE what a jerk he is being - The bills and housing stress - we have had A PLENTY! lol!! And I am taking care of it all. But one great thing is I am good with money and I have got him out of the hole in every bill and debt he has. Something nice to come home to I am sure.
I will take your opinion at face value that he only proposed to me to keep me to take care of his house, but I don't think that's entirely true. He wouldn't have signed his entire life over to me if this had been the case. I have EVERYTHING. His house, life insurance, POA, the works.
But I def agree that because we don't have any legal ties besides whats listed above, and because this relationship is in its first two years, that it is probably a good idea to let it go. I am not the type to take advantage of my position with the POA and stuff (which lots of women have/do - I've heard horror stories of guys coming back from tour to an empty house and bank account )
I totally agree with you that I need to back off. This may sound like a small feat, but yesterday was day one! That I need to basically act as if it's over. And you know what? I DON'T want to be in the relationship the way it is now. So I guess I will lean on this to help me detach.
As much as I love him. As much as I hope we can be in each others' lives, things need to change drastically for both of us in order for it to survive.
Thank you very much again for taking the time to give me some insight. And for backing up that I have a right to 'back off'. I kind of felt... guilty.. backing off before because he is in a crappy sitch over there. But he doesn't deserve (or want) different right now.
)