W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2

[ANS]

Hi Snowman,

Its getting hard to be patient or not pressure as my family and even her own mother wants me to call her bluff so to speak and put pressure on.

yeah. It's hard. No argument there.

My wife is basically having her cake and eating it to with life...
Many have said she needs to grow up and I can't disagree.

Nope. I don't disagree either.

I want to believe she will choose to come back from the aliens that abducted her but no one seems to think so.

I wish I could tell you that she'll wake up and smell the coffee, but unfortunately, I don't have a christal ball. I don't know your W, and frankly, I don't even think her family and friends do at this point.

I will not trap her in corners with questions but I will not go months more sitting in limbo waiting for a person that acts like a teenager and not deciding to address the problems that are not going away. That I will commit that I will not do.

That's the balance you have to find. DB is not about being a doormat. It's about taking the high road without letting her trample on you.

I want to be supportive and open to things but not while she is playing games with me and choosing her new lifestyle over her family. She doesn't even respect our agreement on joint expenses and our joint account for them. Meanwhile she books a trip but use the account for a non-joint expense. This is getting old and the childish comments on FB about drinking, disrespect by going out with her friends on our anniversary after telling me she maybe wants to go to dinner with me and telling me she has to work late, and then posting about booking her half marathon trip when she has no money. The lying just never ends. Why should someone put up with this?

You shouldn't have to put up with this. The real question is what do you do about it. Unfortunately, when ones spouse feels s/he has a legitimate right to do whatever s/he wants, putting pressure on him/her to do otherwise only serves to pull you apart. catch-22.

I think the only way to be supportive without getting tromped on is to stuff our feelings (about childish comments on FB, etc.) but not to go so far as to financially support her antics. In other words, not to oppose her, but at the same time do not support things that are just not right. In other words, don't put pressure on her. Allow the pressure to come from the reality of what she's doing.

That begs the question... How do I do that?

Wish I had an answer to that question, Snowman. If there's a way to stop her from using family finances for her own use, it may be worth some consideration. However, I'm sure she'll find a way of saying that you're being controlling if you try to cut her financing.

It can be a very slow process that can push your patience to the limit, but I think that - in practical terms - the only way to get someone to understand the consequences of their actions is to let them see the consequences without trying to influence them yourself (either positively or negatively). I.e.: don't support or oppose.

Ya can't push on a string.