I am so glad that I am not alone. He can take a compliment and turn it around.
IT was at best an observation but it was not a compliment. So don't make any comments that are not obviously complimentary. FWIW, I would have taken the comment as a sign that my w thought I was boring...
He will occasionally apologize as well, far and few in between.
When I am around him, I am find myself rehearsing in my head about what I am going to say to him, so he doesn't think I am criticizing him.
good. Rehearse some positive compliments you can make. If you are not sure it's complimentary, do NOT make the comment.
Are you sure you're not simply trying to manipulate him without making it obvious? What is really so complicated about telling him a purely nice comment?
The other day you told your h that if you got off early you would help him BUT instead you planned to take a well deserved nap. Then Labug said "good for you only answer if it's needed" and let him learn to be on his own. Aside from sounding punitive, (like "teach him a lesson")
The problem with that approach IF it is even valid, is that you lied to him.
or at best You made a promise you had no intention of keeping so you would not look bad. But you accuse him of the same thing, and you don't give him the benefit of any doubt the way you give yourself.
What would HE think if he knew you promised to come help him while knowing you wanted your nap instead? All I'm saying is--- If you deserve a nap, own that and tell him. It's communication 101...and both parties have to do it.
Receive a call from H on my way to class tonight. He asked if I got out early if I could come by and help with our D and he said that I could spend the night if I wanted to. I said sure, because I knew I wasn't getting out early. But it turned out I did get out a little early. But decided to come straight home and let him deal with her.
see any pattern?
what are YOUR 180s and GAL?
how would marriage to you today be better than before?
If you cannot answer that with changes on your end, then why will he come home?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
what I'm trying to show you is that while he is not treating you well
and seems to be using you and not handling fatherhood well at all, I have to ask what's in it for you.
Are you with him for the mealticket or what? Does he have a great income or house?
Bottom line
Your communication pattern is very passive aggressive until it boils over and then
you both engage in conflict escalation and then retreat..
there is NO conflict resolution.
Do you see this?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I am so glad that I am not alone. He can take a compliment and turn it around.
IT was at best an observation but it was not a compliment. So don't make any comments that are not obviously complimentary. FWIW, I would have taken the comment as a sign that my w thought I was boring...
I did not give him a compliment about the color of the sheets. If I implied that, I apologize. I made a statement to another post that my H could take a compliment and turn it around. It was indeed an observation on the color he purchased. I thought it was funny that he purchased all the sheets the same color. And I do give him positives compliments when they are deserved.
Are you sure you're not simply trying to manipulate him without making it obvious? What is really so complicated about telling him a purely nice comment?
No, I am not trying to manipulate him at all. Once again, I made an observation of the color only.
The other day you told your h that if you got off early you would help him BUT instead you planned to take a well deserved nap. Then Labug said "good for you only answer if it's needed" and let him learn to be on his own. Aside from sounding punitive, (like "teach him a lesson")
The problem with that approach IF it is even valid, is that you lied to him.
I guess what I failed to mentioned was that he gave me a timeline. His timeline for example was 7:30 to 8:00. And I got out a few minutes early.
My 180 with H is when he talks, I listen completely without interrupting him. And not over reacting when he wants to discuss something. Where before, I would just fly off the handle with him. I am working on giving him the benefit of doubt about things.
And my GAL, well I am school 3 nights a week, but the weekends that I don't have my D, I can be lazy if I want, or go shopping or to the movies, which I have been doing for myself. Tomorrow I am getting a facial. And Saturday night I am going to go visit a girlfriend.
how would marriage to you today be better than before?
Well, by us being separated for the past 6 months, I feel I have healed and found peace within myself regarding his EA last year with a co-worker. I no longer think about that. Since I have lost weight, I feel good about myself and it shows.
I know I still have a lot to work on and I am doing it.
what I'm trying to show you is that while he is not treating you well and seems to be using you and not handling fatherhood well at all, I have to ask what's in it for you.I see it as spending time with him and letting him see my changes.
Are you with him for the mealticket or what? Does he have a great income or house?His income is okay. I don't need his income to make it on my own.
Bottom line
Your communication pattern is very passive aggressive until it boils over and then you both engage in conflict escalation and then retreat..I have to agree with here. We both are very passive aggressive people. We both don't like confrontation.
not to quibble b/c I know you are really trying here.
but I have to say, No one likes confrontation. No one likes conflict.
So it always irks me when someone says "I'm conflict avoidant" or "I don't like confrontation" b/c it implies that it's easy for some and hard for others.
I have a h who has said that and I told him once, long ago, "me neither. But I won't keep hiding behind that excuse."
We all have to be a bit, or a lot, braver. The conflicts are there whether or not we face them.
If we don't face them, the conflicts always ALWAYS get worse, they do NOT go away or improve on their own.
I guess that's really my point.
good luck!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I understand completely and agree with you. That is part of my 180 is to face the problems before they get any worse than avoiding them.
Spent the entire day H today and it was nice. We did do some talking about some of the issues that we have and it was nice. We both remained calm which is a first for me.
He did tell me today that he has notice some changes in me and he likes them. And because of the changes that I have made, he likes being around me again.
But I feel I don't and never knew the person that I married. Unfortuately, I have not notice any changes in him at all. Today has been a very confusing day for me. I don't know if I want a relationship with him. I have discovered that his behaviors are not better such as his female friends are texting dirty pics to him. And he replying back of course. He is doing the same thing.
My question to myself, is he really worth fighting for?
But I feel I don't and never knew the person that I married. Unfortuately, I have not notice any changes in him at all. Today has been a very confusing day for me. I don't know if I want a relationship with him. I have discovered that his behaviors are not better such as his female friends are texting dirty pics to him. And he replying back of course. He is doing the same thing.
My question to myself, is he really worth fighting for?
i wonder this myself sometimes. i wonder.. is all this heartache worth it? i go back and forth. and as long as i'm doing that.. i figure i might as well keep plugging away until i know for definite what i want. i guess only we can decide when we're done.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
I agree barely floating. That is the reason why I am still fighting. Right now my heart is telling me to fight, but a small part of it is saying he is not worth you, but you are.
