Wife Left Part 3

[CO1978]

Thanks for all the advice everyone and the support, everyone here is great.

I didn't follow any DB methods for the last 2 days since the D-bomb was dropped.

We talked the last 2 days, in person and on the phone about R and D. There were a lot of both positives and negatives.

One huge positive is that I am much more prepared for D than I thought. I thought it would hurt a lot more, but my spirit is a lot stronger now with my 180s.

Today was a big conversation. She dropped S off and I started a casual conversation up with her.

Once we got talking I asked her if she thought about what I asked her on Christmas day about considering having sex. She said she thought a lot about it, and would really like to, but on the same level she isn't sure she is ready for that yet.

We talked then about why I have hyper sexuality issues, and why having sex with her is how I show my intimacy. She said it all made sense.

I then broke a huge DB rule. I asked her about the goals we made at our first counseling session. She said she couldn't really make any (which is why she said she "knew" she was at the point of no return), but 2 she thought of were her walking on eggshell feeling and showing more affection.

I then showed her my goal sheet. It was something the counselor told us to do. I told her I made this after the first session together and after reading "The Four Agreements" (Here is my revised list):

• Quit Drinking
Sober starting November 3rd, 2011

• Control of Money
*Separate bank accounts

*Say “We can look into it, maybe put some money aside and get it after a future pay” instead of “No, we can’t afford it”

*I am not sole provider, can’t justify buying something for her that is just as expensive or more expensive as her wanting to buy something for herself, S, or all of us.

• Communication
*Actively LISTEN: STOP WHAT I AM DOING, LOOK HER IN THEY EYES, AND LISTEN, and validate her, openly talk about anything and everything

*No more “Stonewalling” If I am acting like there is something wrong maybe there is, if she asks about it, TALK about it regardless

*If she tells me something she has already told me before, let her tell it again, it obviously has meaning to her. Say, “I remember you telling me about that…go on…”

*If she tells me something that I already know about, instead of saying “Yes, I know,” and it being the end of the conversation, say “I read/heard about that…” then discuss it with her.

*If we disagree on something or have a fight “I see what you mean, I don’t necessarily agree, but I understand.”

*Positive Reinforcement: The answer is NEVER NO!! We can talk about it, and agree on it. If she is having a bad day, find something good about it. Don’t point out negatives in her work, unless she asks for judgment

*Respect her decisions and opinions / we are equal in all decisions

*NEVER ASSUME

• Stop trying to be a perfectionist

*Everybody has their own view of perfection, there is no true perfection, don’t expect perfection

*Do set agreements on standards with each other

*Share housework (do it together) so we both know each other’s standards

*ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

• Religion

*“A family that prays together stays together”

*Find a church we both like and agree on and can make it to the services as much as possible

*Family Dinner

• Show her my feelings / Become her Best Friend

*Do random small stuff, like nurturing her when she is sick, flowers just because, a note that says “I love you”, etc.

*Reciprocate “I Love You” every time

*Hug and kiss her on “hellos”, “goodbyes”, “good mornings” and “good nights”.

*Appreciate everything she does; don’t point out negatives when she does something for me, Always say “Thank You.”

*Night out just 2 of us at least once a month

*If she asks to go somewhere with her GO! (Hiking, visit parents/grandparents, park, store, etc.)

*Get involved with her interests and try new stuff
*Give her the best of you

*Talk to her about her Fibromyalgia and comfort her/help her

*Never take her for granted

• NO JELOUSY

*Spend more time with her family, she loves them, I should too

• “WALKING ON EGGSHELLS”

How I can help her trust me again:

*Quit drinking: no more nastiness

*No more perfectionist attitude

*Control anger (don’t take things personal, it’s NOT her fault don’t make her feel like it is)

*If I am upset, let her know why!! Don’t push her away

*Accept I am wrong at times (my opinion is not the only opinion), and not be offended by it (don’t take things personal)

*Appreciate everything she does; NEVER point out negatives or what else she could do when she does something for me

*SAY THANK YOU!!!!!! Give her a hug and kiss to show her I appreciate her

*DON’T TAKE THINGS PERSONAL

• De-stress time when I get home from work:
(AGREEMENT TOGETHER)

*Greet each other (some small talk), exercise or go for family walk, then talk about day

• De-stress time when W gets home from work:
(AGREEMENT TOGETHER)

*Greet each other (some small talk), go for family walk if she wants to, let her vent (massage her back, shoulders and feet while she vents)


After she looked at them she said she wished I had made the list 8 months ago. I agreed and told her, I do get it now.

She told me how she has been asked out a lot lately, but not to worry because she wouldn't date or be with anyone else until we D. She said she was scared of STDs and such, although she was curious. I told her I wouldn't date either, and that was a great thing about being married.

We really had one of those moments here. She was pointing good things out about being married to each other, not having to worry about us cheating on each other and such.

There was a moment also she did say about our wedding pictures, that she wanted to save them for our S IF we divorced.

I know I broke rules, and right now she still wants a D, she said she feels like she put everything she had into our M and feels empty. I do think for the first time she may have had 2nd thoughts.

She mentioned a few times too, that we were having a good conversation and she enjoyed them. There were other connecting moments as well, it was about an hour and a half talk today, but this post is long enough as is, so I will let it go for now.

I will go back to DBing.

My goal is still being her best friend, which I told her. I reiterated that I am not giving up on us. It will be interesting to see what tomorrow morning will bring.