Together since we were 15...Part 2

[Jenna333]

First thread here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2207756&page=1

MrBond and Rick, thank you very much for your replies. I really need to find a way to let him go right now--for my sanity, and also because he needs to face the reality of what he supposedly wants.

Well, tonight was interesting. I went to my mom's for a couple of hours. I cried and just got my feelings out. Got home a half hour before ex and the kids. After he put them to bed, he came to my door. I was in my room with the door shut. I was hoping to keep our conversation minimal. He knocked and asked if he could come in. I asked why, and he said he wanted to talk to me. I asked why, and he repeated himself. He sounded pissed. I told him he could come in. He stood there and told me that financial aid took away all of his grants and loans this semester because of his poor GPA. He transferred schools (from a community college to a university) last semester, and they only took into account his GPA from last semester. He started going off about how I was depressed and he had to deal with that. I butted in and told him not to blame me for his poor grades. He snapped that he knew he shouldn't have talked to me about this, and went downstairs. I went down, and we talked some more. He explained that it was just a really hard semester, and he failed tests when he got 100s on the quizzes and how it didn't make sense to him. He was lazy and admitted that he was depressed himself. He said he couldn't allow himself to be depressed, because I was and he had to take care of everything He said maybe he was the reason I was depressed. I told him no, my life was the reason. My lack of ambition, goals...it all caught up to me and I was unhappy with myself. He's going to the college tomorrow to explain his crisis to them. He said that we're basically going through a divorce

I looked over at him at one point and he had tears streaming down his face. He said he has so much to let go of. He said he clung to me for so long, and he truly loved me. We ended up even talking about his dad, who abandoned him. He tries to find him every once in a while. He told me he's thought a lot about him since the split. I told him of a quote that I came across the other day (saw it here, actually). "Forgiveness is setting the load down and never picking it back up." It makes a lot of sense to me. It seemed to click for him, too, that forgiveness is more for himself than for anyone he's forgiving. It's more just realizing that your past doesn't have to control your future. Anyway, we talked about his family and I mentioned how I felt defensive/protective over him when it came to them. He teared up and thanked me for caring so much. He said I helped him with my talking to him more than I know. I just figured I would because I know his past.

At one point I told him he seems to only be remembering the bad times, and he said I seem to only be remembering the good times. He then said he looked at texts between us from last summer on his old phone (he found it today). He looked wistful. He couldn't ignore the good times while reading through those. They're pretty lovey dovey and silly. We had so many inside jokes and nicknames for each other. Sad to think that all of that is finished now. I did tell him that as hard as this is, in a way I'm relieved because since I didn't trust him, I was constantly worried about what he was doing. Now, I don't care. I mean, I do care, of course, but it's not the same. He said that's what he's enjoying most...not having to worry that he's going to upset me by lying to me. He said he feels good knowing he's not hurting me. My jaw dropped. He explained that he knows this decision is hurting me, but his day to day choices aren't because they aren't my concern anymore. I mentioned that he must like the freedom to talk to girls. He said he enjoys not having to worry if he's crossing the boundaries I set up. I was always so jealous. I didn't like him befriending females, really. Ugh. I was a peach Trust and control issues are a recipe for disaster.

Oh! He asked where I went tonight. I hesitated and said I felt we shouldn't talk about our personal lives anymore. He told me I snooped through his phone earlier, so I owed him this. Ugh. He asked if I hung out with the (made up!) guy I'm casually emailing with. I'm pissed at myself for lying like that. It's not like me. I said no. I then asked him what would he do if I'd said yes. He said "I'd say good for you. I'd be hurt, but I'd lick my wounds in private." I mentioned something about the girl he's talking to. He said there's nothing going on, and there's nothing special about this particular girl other than the fact that they get along.

This is a rambly post. I apologize. NO MORE talking like that with him.