Indecision and the affair continues (Part 2)

[Nblost]

Okay, true confessions. I don't know if I've blown it or not. (or if I care)

Saturday night, I didn't just meet a nice guy...I had gone to meet a guy from match.com who is also going through a divorce for a drink. I told my kids and the sitter I was going to meet one of my work friends. I told the kids I'd be home by their bedtime (thinking there was no way I would stay that long). Well, I ended up hitting it off with "the nice guy" and we stayed out until midnight talking and drinking wine. I texted the sitter to let her know and I thought everything was fine. D10 tried to call at one point, but I missed her call. Turns out, she called H and reported that I was supposed to be home, but wasn't. I ended up kissing the guy when we said goodbye.

H came home Sunday and I think noticed a big change in me. I was very detached and he did things by himself with the kids. We went to bed and H started to ask me questions about Saturday night. I told him I had gone out with a work friend for dinner. He knew more had happened and drilled me with questions (which I tried to refuse to answer) until he found out I had gone out with a guy and we had kissed. (He attacked me around how long I had been out and accused me that something more must have happened).

I lashed back out at H to say that I knew this was wrong but I had only gone to try to meet a guy as a friend. I pointed out to H that for 6 months, he's been lying to me every day and week and it's ridiculous that he is drilling me over one night. He refused to answer any questions while the affair was a secret, and he's been avoiding answering anything since I found out. I told him I knew he'd gone on vacation before Christmas and he admitted he had.

H said he was happy I had gone out and I deserved to find happiness. Although, he then went on to ask me a lot more questions about the night--many of which I just said were irrelevant. I told him...bottomline, I only went out because he was out with OW and he had basically told me three times last week that we were going to separate. H wanted to look at my phone to see my text messages. I asked if I could see his iphone (which has been in his grasp for six months straight) and he said, "sure".

H then stayed up the entire night pacing around.

Today, we had counseling and discussed separation. We will tell the kids in a couple weeks. The counseling session was "fine". I did find out that OW sounds like she is getting frustrated. H does not want a divorce. He wants a temporary separation. I told him I am not sure I want to wait around a long time to be his second choice. But, we will work out a schedule and a separation is the right decision.

We then left and were in the parking lot talking. H told me he is leaving for 10 days, he can't handle being home anymore. He has our schedule figured out for the next month or so (without asking me or mentioning it in counseling) I told him that was crazy and why does he need to leave home so badly. He may go on vacation again with OW, he's not sure. I asked if this was related to Saturday night and he said it wasn't..but as we talked, I think it is.

H is also trying to turn everything on me and I told him I'm tired of being manipulated. He is saying he knows he has been bad, but I told him I wasn't ready to date and I wouldn't lie to him...and now I've done both of those things. I told him I would call the guy I met and tell him I'd never see him again if H wanted to work on the marriage. I told him I am not ready to date...that wasn't a lie. And, the only reason I lied was because I didn't think this one meeting with this guy had any bearing on our marriage.

H also said I've been apathetic through his whole affair and our marriage hasn't improved. I told him that maybe if he had wanted to be affectionate with me, showered me with attention like OW, taken me on a vacation, given me some emotional energy...I'd be able to show him how things could be different.

It was a pretty ugly conversation. When H got home later, he said "you should take that conversation with a grain of salt". ???

Also, he is lying to OW. She somehow believes he can be gone and it doesn't impact his kids. I think she believes we are officialy separated or something. He said he is the evil one.

Just a huge mess. The good news is I am much more detached/confident and I am speaking my mind to H.

The bad news...pretty sure all my DB-ing flew out the window. Although, I'm definitely not begging and pleading him to come back.

I am definitely staying on this board...if I'm not kicked off for being a disaster!

NB "just got really lost"