Too Little, Too late. 2

[purgatory]

OMG! I need to cry!!!

Today is my anniversary. 7 years married, 9 years since we met (yes. we got married exactly 2 years to the day that we met.) I'm really trying not to look at our wedding album and video, which was our tradition on this day- just the 2 of us would reminisce about that day and laugh at the stories.. it always seemed to remind us why we were together and reignite that love we felt on that day.

H is out looking at his 'new place'..... never acknowledged the day. He might as well stab me in the heart!! I left a card for him in his laptop, (didn't sign it) simply said: "January, 8 2012. 9 years ago."

H came to me and said that he saw the card, but didn't say anything about it. H said: 'I know what today is.' He mentioned that he wanted to talk tonight about 'stuff', I asked for clarification, and he said the papers, and my up-coming meeting with the lawyer.... really?! This is the conversation he wants to have on our anniversary?!?!

I tried to keep my composure, but I'm sure he could tell my voice was about to crack. I told him that I think it's cruel that he's checking out his new place on this day- as if there were no other days he could go over there. He gave me excuses about how the friend is busy and today was the only day they both had some time.
He then got defensive and said: "I could have moved out before Christmas when the offer was made, but I'm compromising so that you don't feel rushed."
In my best DB thought process, I said: "I know you're making sacrifices too" (the look on his face was surprise.) I had a moment of weakness and said: ''It's still confusing to me because-yes, we didn't get along and we yelled- but that's not us anymore, and those are the reasons you're leaving.'' He didn't say anything to that, but he couldn't look me in the eye.

[btw- does anyone know why the WAS can't look you in the eye sometimes, but when they are being mean/cruel, they look you straight in the eye? I would love to understand the psychology behind this.]

Somehow we got to a point in the conversation where he said: "We aren't moving at your pace because if we did, you would drag your heels and never do anything until I got back from Afg. is some hopes that I might change my mind.
I'm not going to change my mind. Nothing has changed my mind." (cold as ice, looking right in my eyes)
Has anyone experienced this ^^^^ cold, confident statement from the WAS and then they actually DO change their mind?? Or is it possible that he will never change his mind just to prove a point? I'm really shaky now, and I could use some hope or a reality check.

All I could say was: "I know." then I looked him right in the eye and said:"you're really stubborn, you know that?"
He grinned and said: "You are too." I said: "yep." (thinking in my head that my stubborn act right now is not believing him, he probably implied that too.)

So what do I do now?? I know the answers will be to focus on me, GAL activities, etc..... but what do I do in these moments where I feel like the bomb is coming down all over again- and on a daily basis when my heart gets stomped on? How do you survive those moments? I'm really having a rough day, and I don't feel like Dbing, I want to scream, cry and beg him to stop all of this.

My GAL for today: I'm going to the movies at a cinema cafe, and having a glass of wine while I watch Girl w/Dragon Tattoo to celebrate my anniversary alone. I figured that movie wouldn't evoke feelings of love and loss, but we'll see.

[DestinyUnknown]

OMG! I need to cry!!!

(((HUGS))) It is more than okay to cry - hZll - scream if you need to. get it out and then pick yourself up.

[btw- does anyone know why the WAS can't look you in the eye sometimes, but when they are being mean/cruel, they look you straight in the eye? I would love to understand the psychology behind this.]

Yes, it is the selfishness that MLCers display. They can only look you straight in the eye when they need to convince themselves that they are doing this for the right reasons.

Has anyone experienced this ^^^^ cold, confident statement from the WAS and then they actually DO change their mind?? Or is it possible that he will never change his mind just to prove a point? I'm really shaky now, and I could use some hope or a reality check.[/b]

Yes, my H was COMPLETELY rude, selfish, and just a bully. They believe that the only thing standing in the way of their happiness is us - the spouse. My H even told me that he was no longer to prentend to be happy with me, that he didn't care if feel of the face of the earth, that he didn't like me and that he was "going to out there and get some happiness".

That was NOT the person I met or married. I was destroyed by his comments and treatment. He did change his mind - on his own without my inteference and being dark and GALng was the best thing for me.

My GAL for today: I'm going to the movies at a cinema cafe, and having a glass of wine while I watch Girl w/Dragon Tattoo to celebrate my anniversary alone. I figured that movie wouldn't evoke feelings of love and loss, but we'll see.

Sounds like fun! Think of today as your day - do whatever you can to make yourself enjoy it.

[Hopeful321]

[btw- does anyone know why the WAS can't look you in the eye sometimes, but when they are being mean/cruel, they look you straight in the eye? I would love to understand the psychology behind this.]

When my H walked out, he looked me straight in the eyes and told me that he did not love me anymore, that he hated me and when he saw me, that I actually made him so sick that he wanted to throw up. This went on for months. But now I realize he was justifying his affair. And now, six months later, we are spending more time together. I am even staying at his place per his request. We might have sex occasionally, but only if he pursues me. I do not pursue him. And if I see myself doing that, I back off. It's baby steps and I am working on being patient with this. This did not happen over night and fixing it will not happen over night.

[ces67]

I feel for you. So sorry. There's just doesn't seem to be a good way to deal with the feelings on a day like today. Glad you're getting out though. On days like that I want to just shrink back and hide alone but have found its better to go out and be busy. I don't do it enough but getting better. Hopefully your learning curve will be faster than mine.

Now that you mention the "look you in the eye" thing, you're absolutely right. I've noticed that my W doesn't look me in the eye very often. But she certainly does when she's yelling at me and insulting me. crazy stuff. I'll remind you what I remind myself. The WAS anger does not define you.

Take care. One day at a time is all you can do (or one hour or moment, or second...whatever. Just keep going).

[BklynMom]

(((purg)))

The journey is going to be tougher then you ever imagined but YOU CAN DO IT! For you kids. Let him leave peacefully - I believe it will save you guys in the long run. If you somehow force him to stay for the kids it will only make him resent you.

Focus on your kids, be tough for them! THERE IS HOPE! The road is longer, but there is hope!!

[stillhopin]

Hey Purg,

"32. Don't believe anything you hear and less 50% of what you see..."

I know how hard it is. But I. Try to remember something a counselor told my family once about my alcoholic brother and it applies here as well. "This is irrational behaviour, you can't rationalize irrational behaviour". So when he's saying mean things it just has to be ignored even though it is so dang hard to do so sometimes. Ill wait until I know I'm alone and ill bury my face in a pillow and cry my eyes out. It seems to help but in front of her I just ignore it.

[BFloat]

big squeeze for you!

have you had your cry and vent? and then pick yourself up and refocus! 1 thing i have been trying to sort out in my head is that yes there have been some great moments in my marriage but that marriage in now gone. and i don't want it back because obviously it lead me to here!!! i want a new marriage.. a stronger one!

you asked a question about child care and i thought i would post here because you might get the resopnse quicker..

my husband sleeps on a friend's couch during the weekdays. since he obviously wouldn't be able to take the kids overnight there, i compromised and said i would leave on the weekends. so H comes home on fridays (usually by the time S is home from school). we have dinner as a family and then sometimes i stay until they have been tucked in bed but depends on whether i have made plans. i come home usually monday afternoons and then pick up son from school. we have dinner w/ the kids again on mondays and then H leaves after kids have gone to bed.

i agreed to this arrangement because H has weekends off. my work sked is all over the place because i work around H and kid's sked. also, it seemed like a better idea to keep the kids environment stable during these unstable times.

is this working? i'm not sure. it's hard to leave the kids. when i'm away, if i don't have plans.. i spend an awful lot of time reading DB posts!

take care!

[purgatory]

Thanks for the care and support on a day that was really tough.

SH: thanks for the insight about the irrational behavior. I can see why it applies to alcohol and our WAS. I also remember a phrase about addiction that could apply our WAS too: 'don't listen to what they are saying, its the [drug or alcohol] talking, not your loved one.' I think in my sitch, its the MLC talking, not my H.

Journal:

I did enjoy my movie time yesterday. I came home and H and I put away all the Xmas decorations (finally.) We had family dinner and he put the kids to bed, while I read a book.

We talked about 'stuff' after the kids were in bed. H told me that he will most likely move out in 2 weeks, to give his friends enough time to clean out the extra stuff in his room. We talked about 'kid time' and came up with a schedule that we both like... it sounds good on paper, but we realize that we might have to adjust if the logistics don't work in reality. We agreed to to family dinner every friday night. I asked him about his plans/expectations for 'his' nights (because it didn't seem very practical for him to have both boys shoved into one room at the friends house.) He said he honestly hadn't thought that far ahead. [I have long suspected that he hasn't really considered what his choice will actually look like- and here was some proof.]

Here's where I need some help:
He said that he will want to see the boys everyday, even when its not *his* day. He is planning on coming to the house after work to see them before he goes to the gym (on his nights, he would then go to his place instead of home after the gym). On school nights (when it's his night), he will probably stay in the house and 'pretend' I'm not here and I can sleep in the guest room. On the weekends that he's in charge- he will sleep with the boys at his place, but probably spend some days at our house 'since that's where all their stuff is' (his words).

Here's where I have issues:
* this feels like he's being a cake eater- but not with me, with the boys. If H has made the decision that he wants out of the M, then shouldn't he *really* be out of the M and all the consequences that come with it?
* I don't want to make the boys sacrifice any time with their dad, especially since he's leaving in July for a year- and I will have NO free time unless I pay a babysitter. All family lives in Florida (we are in VA) so any help from them would be planned vacations (and those get expensive).
* H has ALWAYS been an amazing father and he's never done anything to deserve being punished by having time taken away from the boys. I don't think it's unfair for the boys to see their dad and be in their home as often as possible- in fact it will keep their life as consistent as possible right now... but I don't think it's fair to me to let him use our home as his 'second place' whenever it's most convenient for him- because the flip side of that is that I will never have time alone in my own home, I will always have to leave the house to get 'me' time because as we all know- the kids won't 'pretend' that I'm not there when we are all in the house together.
[I don't have any family or friends that I could stay with on the weekends to really take myself out of the equation]

Honestly, I don't have a major problem with this arrangement. But I wish he could see that he's taking advantage of the situation. In fact, he's going to be living a married life- the only things missing are sex, kisses and the fact that he has a place to 'get away'.... I think my H really does enjoy the married lifestyle, but since he has convinced himself that I am the enemy- he *must* divorce me, but not the lifestyle.

How do I handle this unusual situation??

We are meeting with our MC tomorrow, and I would like to bring up my concerns to see what suggestions she has (and maybe she can help him to see that his desires are leading to living a M lifestyle- maybe it would make him think about what he *really* wants). I have no clue what he plans on bringing up tomorrow... so I've got to get my game-face on and prepare.

[purgatory]

I'm bumping because I need some suggestions about this ^^^^^before my MC session tomorrow.

I don't want to be selfish... I will repay the favor by checking in with all my DB friends tomorrow. I can't tonight because I'm at a sleep study, with all kinds of cords coming out of my head and heart- I feel like a cyborg!

Hope everyone is doing 'as good as possible' tonight

[MrBond]

Here are my answers:

"He said that he will want to see the boys everyday, even when its not *his* day."

Uh no, he would need to ask for your permission before doing so. That is your boundary. It is his choice to move out, so it is your choice to have him ask for permission.

"He is planning on coming to the house after work to see them before he goes to the gym (on his nights, he would then go to his place instead of home after the gym)."

Again, it's based on your approval. He doesn't get to continue to steamroll all over you regardless of whether or not you have a problem with it.

"On school nights (when it's his night), he will probably stay in the house and 'pretend' I'm not here and I can sleep in the guest room."

How lovely. Nope same thing. He's being disrespectful to you. You will stay in the master bedroom and if he chooses to stay, then it's up to you to allow him to. It's not like he doesn't have someplace else to go.

"On the weekends that he's in charge- he will sleep with the boys at his place, but probably spend some days at our house 'since that's where all their stuff is' (his words)."

Again, that is pending your approval.

I will tell you exactly what's going to happen. He's going to list his "demands" and when you start to disagree, he's going to go ballistic. Oh he'll call you names, say you're unreasonable, say things like "see! that's why I can't live with you" etc.

But don't you believe any of that. Stand your ground. Think of him as a child throwing a tantrum who can't get the candy that he wants. Keep ignoring him and he'll have no one to blame but himself.

I would suggest that the times that he does stay over, make plans to go out. Dress your best, smell your best and say "thanks for watching the kids tonight" then leave. He will hate feeling like a babysitter, but that's his choice.

You want him to want you again. You're in a prime spot to do so.