Hopeful, I lost a child so maybe I can give some insight... maybe your H feels he is "losing" his other D in the divorce too or "failing" at parenting so he's put up wall up. It's self-preservation mode for him, nothing to do with your daughter. Men who grieve the loss of a child are completely different than women who grieve. I've worked with grieving parents for 16 years and I can tell you that only a very small percentage of men don't "crack" and run off, have affairs, etc to escape their pain - even years after the death. My own XH included.
Listen to him, be there for him. If this woman is up North and it's just an EA right now, he's on the border. Everything you do and say will lean him one way or the other. Lean him your way. Say nothing about the messages. How are you reading them anyway (from 1 snoop to another)?
I feel that he is leaning my way. But what about the other woman he works with? How do I compete against her?
