Adventures in GALing

[exquisitetobe]

Accept the wonderful lady that you are, accept that you are doing the best you can with what you have and forgive yourself for not been perfect.

Look at all the progress you have made after everything you have been through. You are amazing.

Maybe a few session of IC could help? You already know what you want to work on but maybe you need to find where it came from?
If it's in your core, something put it there.

I know you will find a way to beat this. You have conqueared many other battles. You can do this!

[AntoniaB]

Thanks tested and exquisite...yeah I think I already know where it came from. I'm the eldest of 4...very high parental expectations of me from toddler onward. I was in baton lessons performing for a crowd at 3 years old, which I remember being terrified of (earliest memory), went to school at 4 years because of my intelligence/"maturity", had panic attacks at 6 when I had to go to a special reading teacher because I was smarter than the class and had to leave the teacher I bonded to, then pulled OUT of classes because I had poor posture and had to have special exercises every day with the gym teacher alone, then pulled out for high IQ and sent to another school once a day where no one talked to me and I was too scared to talk to anyone else...and extremely overprotective parents on top of it. My whole school career was a series of being put on a pedestal for my IQ or my high achievement or, from 5th grade on, woodwind performance, and I was pushed very hard by my parents to keep doing better than my personal best. My parents were very well-meaning, and I don't blame them, as I'm sure most parents want their first child to excel. But I internalized all anxiety and when I failed at anything, I wasn't punished, but I was told "well next time you will just try harder", and I always saw failing at something as my not trying hard enough. In my very young brain, I believed then and still internalize that if something doesn't work, it's my fault on some level for not doing better.

I will look up that therapy, TM, and read up on that. I am also thinking someone's got to have done some research on fighting perfectionism--books always help me, so I should look into that.

I think I may go back to my naturopathic doctor. My sister noticed when I stray too far from her regimens that I start to lose it ;-)

[exquisitetobe]

A positive outcome:

You share your knowledge with your students,
You are writing a book, you are an inspiration to MANY other and you always give your best because you don't want to fail.


Reprogram your chain of tought to: I have given my all and I'M proud of performance.

My next book is titled: Change your brain, change your life.
The breakthrough program for conquering anxiety, depression, obsessiveness, anger and impulsiveness.

Hopefully, i'll have new insight for us both in there...

[AntoniaB]

You wrote a book? Cool! I like your next book topic...that's more all-encompassing than a lot of the books out there which focus on one or two of those items alone. I actually just ordered 3 books on overcoming perfectionism through cognitive behavior therapy and meditation from amazon. I'm not waiting for a doctor recommendation on books (which is where I normally get ideas)...I just read the reviews and hit order :-)

Oh there are many positive outcomes, yes...I am constantly told how I exceed everyone's expectations or I'm their favorite teacher or I'm uber-successful, but clearly I don't "hear" what people are telling me, and being the only person I know in my geographical area who was dumped by her husband for another woman hasn't helped my internal dialogue. Many of my female colleagues really belittle their husbands, order them around, and call it "feminism", and yet they are never abandoned. They don't seem to get how lucky they are and they take it for granted far more than I ever did.

[exquisitetobe]

I WISH I WROTE IT!!! I could help you asap but it was written by Daniel G. Amen, M.D.
I'm gonna be reading it next. I'm reading about abusive man and the ruth of their problem. It is teaching me how to change my ways of reacting to XH and finding my fighting strategy to be confident and independant of his abuse. Very, very good.
Title: Men who hate women and the woman who love them. by Susan Forward.

I want to break the cycle of abuse and learn to NOT fall in this trap ever again. I want my next relationship to be a good one with it's up and down but NO ABUSE! There are red flags to look for and i recognized many from the very beggining of our relationship. If i would have read that book ( before it was written:) ), i would have seen the signs before living under his controlling ways and lack of involvement in our lives.
He still has a huge place in my heart but he needs to change his way of treating everybody or else, he will be very, very lonely.

[BeingMe]

I agree that counseling will be helpful for you, Antonia. I remember how I used to not be able to sleep, my thoughts spiraling around the same issue, endlessly trying to figure out all the nuances and side roads it could take ... like a chess match, trying to foretell any future moves. I managed to get out of that when I had to focus on my health. Cancer has a way of doing that. I started meditating, eating healthier, taking my Vit. D3 (helps reduce tumors), finding humor in things, and so on. I sleep very well now, because I have faced my worse fear, and overcame it. Try not to get to that point before making the changes you need to make for a peaceful life.

I have started a new diet - http://caloriecount.about.com - where one can not only count your calories, but oversee what nutrients you are taking in. Very helpful when trying to get healthy, I think. I have been on this for 5 days, so early in the process, but it might be something you can try, or something similar? Just a thought. If you can manage your health is such a way, it might bring some peace to you.

As I said above, meditation works --- I even meditated while on the radiation table. I don't do it as much now, but it sure helped me through some tough times, as did prayer too.

Keep on keeping on. You will get through this.

[AntoniaB]

Thanks exquisite and BeingMe...I have done meditation in a group class once a week typically since September, but I do not do it at home and need to discipline myself to do that, because once a week isn't really putting in the effort enough.

I've seen this psychiatrist since bomb drop, but I'm wondering if that's less effective than an IC at this point...the typical session I have will happen every other month, and I have 25 min., and I just speak very fast, because I'm on this clock, and it's costing me 110 bucks out of pocket, and then she has time to give me 2 or 3 bits of advice, and often those bits of advice are things like, "you have to drop that belief and find this one instead..."

Here is the irony: I know that it is such hard work to be such a high achiever that I rationalize poor eating and sleeping habits and such, saying "I can't be perfect at everything, so, so what if I got to bed super late and get up super late, or take naps, I deserve a break." Or "I deserve that rich food and I'm not making myself exercise if I don't want to because I work so hard at everything else."

So I am capable of NOT putting effort into something and have done it for years, and that something is my own health. When people have talked to me about my poor sleep, food, and exercise habits, I always say "I don't have time to care about that stuff" or "everything else will fall down if I focus on that stuff". I somehow see it as a tradeoff, fix one thing the other falls apart.

Probably that won't happen, though...and it's just a rationalization to continue the way I always have.

[kml]

Bingo!

But if lack of time is your excuse - why not sign up for a service that delivers diet food? No work at all, just pop your meals in the oven or microwave.

[AntoniaB]

Took charge of some things over the weekend...got healthier food that doesn't take a lot of time to prep over the weekend; made a healthy soup, enough to take to work all week for lunches so I don't eat junk food; am several days now off the prescription sleep meds and while still having insomnia problems, I'm not feeling so "volatile." I have thought for some time the sleep med was making me a little bipolar!

Made a schedule for work and home time and for working on the book AND I scheduled time to NOT work as well, and even got up today and walked 10 min. on my treadmill. I know it's nothing but for me, that's more than I did for a year :-)

Feeling nerves pretty bad about coming back to teaching after a long time gone, but I've been talking about it with people and finding that a lot are saying they have the same issues and just never wanted to admit it. I even asked my class and several said they never slept all last night from nerves, and I said, look, I hear you. We'll all be fine in a week when things settle down.

I think I really need to be HERE, the interaction with people is so important after all those months in my house for weeks on end alone.

I've also reblocked my XH on the alt. Not seeing his face and OW's face pop up all the time is REALLY helpful...

So...that's where I'm at now. Taking control of my health in hopes that the physical improvement will help the mental.

[dl443322]

Atta girl, A. Good for you.

It's important to remember that you feel what you feel. There is no set timeline to get to where you need to be.

It is necessary to go through all the steps. You dont want to skip any because then you find yourself with a setback.

So, here's my two cents. I see a therapist for therapy and a psychiatrist to monitor my meds. The few minutes I have with the psychiatrist is not nearly enough to deal with everything I have to deal with.

Took me a long time to find the right therapist. But, man, when you do, it's a life changer.

A, you need to feel that you are ok. Only you can get to that. Who you are is enough. No amount of attention from a man, no amount of achievement in work, or anything else from outside influences embody who you are inside.

You are uniquely you. None of us are perfect. None of us are mistake free. We are good people who do the best we can.

And that matters, too.

A, embrace you. You are enough. You matter.