Punches??What punches?

[Redo]

Fist: so sorry for all my BITs for not having responded

Second: Happy new year 2012 Y'all. Hoping this year brings you the happiness and peace you deserve.

Thanks for all your feeback guys. I really appreciate it.

Kolja, hey nice to hear to hear you are into planes. I found out that i love building stuff than playing with them. I have 2 plane projects that i am still embellishing and have not yet flown even one. A new bug now is R/C boats. They are great!

Now that all the holiday season is over, i'll try to be more regular here.

Reason for my absence was that my daughter was visiting me for almost 10 days !!!
Yay. I was great fun this. We spent most of the time indoors, playing, watching movies and doing play projects. It was awesome. I never felt more of a dad than this time. I guess it was because she fell sick and i had to take care of her. Wife said that she could come over, but i told her that i could manage myself. I too caught my daughter's bug and fell sick. But i am proud that i could manage her single handed during this time.

On to my sitch a bit. I dunno i guess something happened. Not yet sure how to take it though.
On the day i was dropping off daughter to my wife's place, i get a call from her. Wife tells me that she has decided that she's in it for the long run. I did not know how to process that. I told her we could talk at length when i see her.
Dropped of daughter and wife and i went to coffee shop to talk. In-laws were babysitting daughter during that time. My SIL was there and i just acknowledged her. I was in no mood to talk to her. It is hard to categorize how the convo went.

It has been a year now that my wife fired the bomb. I have grown quite a bit emotionally during this time. And just like how people indicated, i have come to relish the strange sense of freedom. Freedom from being scared all the time, from being depressed all the time. Freedom from worries on where my R with wife was going. But somehow that day, all those feelings came rushing back. But i kept an open mind and kept a lid on my fears. This time in the convo though, i tried to analyze my wife. See if she has changed any from my perspective.
Sadly i felt that she did not. She kept saying that she knew how i was suffering. But she always kept coming back to the point on how much i made her suffer. I acknowledged my mistakes. But she still felt that she was being punished by everyone for having taken the decision. One of the things that really troubled me was that she felt that she was doing me a favor by providing me good access to daughter. Yes, since my daughter is still young, wife has to make her talk to me sometimes when we video conference. But i also felt that it was a right as a dad. Mybe, maybe not. What troubled me was that she had excuses for everything. everything.

We later migrated from coffee house to a restaurant for lunch. It was the first in a year. I felt good that she was receptive for the lunch offer.

We talked about some serious stuff, some mundane stuff. But i got from our talk was that she somehow feels that everyone in her family and mine think that i was a good guy and that she is not. I am not sure what to say there. I did not go and force my in-law's minds there. They have seen me, my actions and have come to that conclusion. She then got upset that i never portrayed her in a good light to my family. Ironically during the 10 years of our marriage, i never once talked bad about my wife to my family. Never until she filed. But i've also learned that these are her feelings and i cannot deny them. I acknowledged them.

We talked about lot of things. we ended the convo saying that we should try to get to counseling soon.

This was on dec-31st. I drove back, and tried calling wife at 12am to wish her happy new year. No one picked up, so i left a voice mail. Looks like she had been to a party.

She called the next day. we talked a bit. Then over the next 2 days we had lengthy conversations again. This time, we did argue some. The main reason was because wife felt that i was somehow still on the fence. I told her while i was elated that we have possibility together, that i was scared a bit. But that i am working to overcome those negative feelings. She then gets upset saying that this is how i was the whole time, always about me and never about the family. At that point, it was like Deja-Vu. The same fears i felt during our old fights. I just wanted to get away from the phone. It seemed like the past was repeating. It was a horrible feeling. We somehow ended the convo, me telling her that she cannot deny what i feel and that perhaps we should try talking about non-R stuff.

There have been other developments over last week. some pleasant. Some not. I am trying not to over analyze each of them.

But the general feeling is that of apprehension. I definitely dont want to get back with her if she has not changed her attitude. But sometimes i am so desperate to have my family back i am willing to overlook that issue.

But at this time, i have tasted the freedom. Freedom from being constantly worrying about my R with my wife. And i love that freedom. I'll go with my wife to counselor first, and then take it from there.