WAW told me she idoesn't want to be married.

[witz10]

B/C you thought it would come off as pursuit?Yea I didn't want to look like the gift I was giving her was something to buy her back. I had perfume for her I bought a while back and I know she has been out of it for quite some time. But that was too personal.

THe rest of my question was what else changes for you when things are NOT going well...and you ignored it.[/color]In the past when there are problems I would get quiet and keep it in and to myself. Which I am working on and it seems to be working. I can't be afraid to speak my mind anymore I need to let the cards fall where they may. By not talking and holding it in I let the anger build up and it makes me uncomfortable. I would normally be afraid to talk because I would fear the outcome. Well by not talking and holding it in here is my outcome. Exactly what I feared.


[I am still getting used to this. Why should I get her something that I know she will look nice in and I can't appreciate how she looks in it.][/b]
Again for what I bought for her. The shirts I liked that I didn't buy were shirts for her to go out in. They would have also been a little too personal as well. The sweaters I got for her will look nice which she can wear for work or to go out in.
b/c the gift would be for HER, not you...b/c it's an act of love, that's why[/u][/color]



If you don't mind my asking, seems you have some underlying issues having nothing to do with your w BUT that have probably affected her.Yea I have a lot of issues against my family at the moment. I took there belief. By working for the family it benefits the whole family.


[this^^^ VERY vague and mysterious. And it is contradictory. If you don't want their beliefs, drop them. Their beliefs apparently don't serve you or work for your life. THey are not your beliefs. And it clearly did NOT benefit your m or family.]

The benefits when we moved back at the time worked for us. I was able to work freelance shoots when they would pop up and still have a job when I would come back after a few days. After my daughter was born and I could bring her to work with me everyday and this way we only had my son in daycare. I had the beliefs of the family grilled into me a long time ago before we were even married. So they stuck. Only in the past few years after moving back to philly did I start to realize that there beliefs were not mine but worked. I am not taking control of my life in terms of work. I am still looking for a new job and submitting to various companies.


What can you change about that ^^^ Now? Do it...what is stopping you? Nothing and that is why I am looking for new work. I am beginning to come out of the shell of a man I was. Taking more control and making my own decisions to benefit me and my future.



Can you tell me some more about YOU and YOUR 180s? Past two weeks I have been just doing not asking. I was going to ask instead I am just doing now.
[color:#CC0000]

that is Not specific. Do you understand what I am asking?
I went and purchased some new furniture for the new me.
I have more activities with kids
Still gal with friends
I still let her make first contact
Been very proactive when we are together in regards to decisions with everything.
Also looking at myself and no I am a work in progress but I am different now then when I started this journey.
Still working on other 180's


What do you bring to the table? Do you have passions or hobbies or friends?
In touch with 2 local charities to offer my time. Looking into continuing ed classes pretty much it for now with my time.

not just mistakes you'll avoid...b/c for the life of me I just still feel like you are skimming the surface of your role in this.


My role in this is I screwed up

how???? what was the screw up?

and didn't talk with the one person that I should have been able to talk with.

meaning what? You backstabbed her or deceived or what? The more vague you are the harder it is to help you AND the harder it is for you to specifically change your behaviors...

I deceived her. I tried to keep her a safe distance from the goings on at the office. I lied to her about my salary. Every other week I would take an additional $50 in my check. I told her it was agreed upon between my brother and myself. When I never asked at all and he never said anything. I tried to appease all sides by playing Switzerland. I was the go between.
I would side with the family business thinking it would benefit us later on. She asked me to look for other work numerous times and I never did. She even sent me links for places. I would send resumes sometimes but I got tired of getting turned down.
When we would be with my family I would try to stay longer even though kids had school or wife had work the next day. Usually we would agree upon a time to leave and I would not pay attention on purpose.

[/color]



But the success stories here, always include the LBSer changing themselves...
taking a brave DEEP look inside...and facing some things that are tough to face [i]but doing it anyhow...

and changing THEMSELVES.

Last night a friend of mine and I were talking and he told me he has noticed that I am carrying myself differently and my attitude is more confident and outgoing instead of being withdrawn

So I sincerely do hope you'll take that mirror and stare awhile...I have been staring at myself in the mirror and I like what I am becoming. I see more of myself now as I was when we lived in california. Not the person I was when I moved back. I am more outgoing, confident, talkative, speaking out, more fun

I am not viewing this as a game of who wins or who loses. If we split up for good then we both lose out, and our kids lose out on a real family life that I want all of us to share together. The only way to win this is to stay and remain a happy family and I need to learn from my past and take what I have learned throughout this and apply that to my new life.