WHG: Chasing that rabbit with the pocketwatch

[workinghardguy]

Forgot to mention one other benefit of her moving downstairs... I got my copy of DR back

I had given it to her long ago... before I knew I shouldn't... it sat in her bedside table in a drawer since October. I don't think she ever read it. When she moved her things downstairs I wondered what would happen with it. And this morning I realized it was now in my bedside table in a drawer.

So at least now I have it again.

[2thepoint]

"So today she found a used one that works once she saw the prices of new ones. Guess icky is better than deflated"

When I first read your post regarding the spiders, cat piss and deflated air mattress, the first thing that came to mind was:

spiders, and cats and no air, oh my....

BTW - I don't like spiders. Once when I was a teenager, my bedroom was down in the basement and we were having one of those el nino rain years and our basement flooded. Well, guess where all the spiders went? That's right, on my bed, in my blankets, in my hair, ARGH!!! Getting chills just thinking about it!

[sayitaintso]

WHG- I was also extremely reluctant when the time came to tell our kids but after we did I felt relieved as it seems you are. It is empowering to face our fears head on and move through them. I'm glad it seems it went as well as can be expected. Good Luck over the next few weeks as everyone tries to adjust to the new logistics. I think you handled everything fantasically.

Best!!

[dbmod]

^

[workinghardguy]

So yes, today has been one of my strongest days in a long time. It's made me realize how terrified I was of telling the kids and hurting them. With that milepost in the rearview mirror I feel DBing to be much easier. It also makes me realize how badly I was DBing in the last month or so as I acted out of fear. Not an excuse, just an observation that may benefit others... we all know that most of this stuff is counter-intuitive. And, at least for me, when you're scared, even terrified, doing things that are counter-intuitive is even harder than it normally is.

W texted me today and asked if I would be willing to pickup the mattress she bought since I have the larger vehicle and wouldn't get home until after they closed. I let it sit for a while... partly because I wanted to let it sit, and partly because I wasn't sure the right answer. Part of me wanted to tell her to figure it out. Part of me wanted to do it to show that I support her move to the basement, I want it to be successful, and I want her to have the space she wants. I will admit to taking a bit of perverse pleasure in her state of discomfort this morning, I also have no desire to have that be every day nor does it benefit any of us to have her physically miserable from sleeping on a deflating air mattress. So finally I decide to agree to pick it up on the way home.

Get home and it's a crazy night. SD has archery, S has wrestling, SS has archery later... W doesn't do well with nights like this and is stressing out. But we get the kids off to where they need to go... I take S to wrestling and W gets SD and SS off. We get dinner served and so on.

After we all get back home again W heads out to a friend's house to get some packing boxes. Ok. I check on the kids' homework and find out SD isn't done. She has math that she couldn't understand and neither could my W. While we're finishing the math W comes home. SD shows her that the math is done. W comments, "SD, I don't what we'll do with [me], mom is just not good with math." I look at SD and tell her, "don't worry SD, you can always call me, stop over, or we can webcam and figure it out. I won't leave ya hanging with your math." She smiles and we get them off to bed.

Tonight I went for a 2.5 mile run it was so beautiful out tonight. It was great to get out for a run again... it's been a while and the treadmill is down in the basement right now.

W has been different today. A lot of the stress is gone. Likely a by-product of telling the kids and of her moving to the basement and getting her space. She didn't go to her friend's house as she's done every other night she's had off of work. That's part of the reason for the run tonight... to keep giving her space.

[oldtimer]

Change up your room and bathroom. Make them yours.

[workinghardguy]

W is moving stuff this week downstairs while she is on vacation. This weekend I intend to move our chez lounge to the basement and move the treadmill up. I like the idea of changing the bedroom into something more my style. Not sure what that should be yet... but I like the idea.

My W has a bulletin board on the wall where she hangs all her jewelry and I had thought last night that it would be a great place to hang all my hats once it's cleared off.

[workinghardguy]

The house definitely has a different vibe now. DBing has become easier. W's and my interactions are almost exclusively about the kids. I did have a minor breakdown today when I got home from work and went upstairs to my room. W had packed more of her stuff. The massive mound of clothes that have, while comprised of different clothes over time, perpetually been on our chaise lounger was gone. Her books were packed up. It just hit me a bit and took a little while to recover.

Had school board meetings tonight so I was home maybe half an hour... but even so the vibe was different. W was having some type of adverse reaction to medication when I got home. She asked me to check her pupils and told me a bit about how she was feeling. I still went to my board meetings, though I did say if she felt like she was going to pass out or lose consciousness she should call me or have the kids call me and I would leave the meeting. Not sure I should've shown that much concern, but I was genuinely concerned and she was really freaking out.

An example though of the different vibe... at one point I was coming through the kitchen and W lost her balance and fell into me. I caught her and helped her up. She looked at me for a a second or two and shyly said "thanks, good catch." Last week had that happened she would've contorted her body to not even touch me and had I caught her she would've been absolutely spitting poison at me.

Now I'm in the dining room working on stuff and she's off reading on her Kindle in the living room.

We agreed this morning to have S evaluated by his school counselor. SD ended up crying in class today after her teacher read the email from me and she started crying (the teacher).

Work is finally going better. I've been so damn worthless for the past few months, it's amazing I still have a job. Thankfully before my sitch blew up I had pushed a bunch of projects into production so most of those are simply progressing on their own in the hands of my project staff. So far this week I've been able to get about $4 million of new housing development deals in place. In the previous five months I've probably closed $250,000 of deals. And I got I call today from our national organization's director (again) asking me to serve on another national level workgroup for our organization's emerging leaders. Life's good... except for all the other crap, but one day at a time.

[2thepoint]

Good to hear that the tension has eased up considerably. The fact that the proverbial "monkey on the back" has been lifted from everyone explains why things seem a little more calm. Be careful though not to confuse this for a softening of your W's heart.

When my W and I finally agreed on a date for separation and after we told the kids, her mood changed 180 degrees. Almost like everything was back to normal, except it wasn't. So just be careful!

I'm also really happy to hear of your work successes. Try your best to keep your head clear so you can build the momentum that seems to be paying big professional dividends.

Nice job, WHG! Nice job!

[workinghardguy]

Be careful though not to confuse this for a softening of your W's heart.

It's easy to fall into this trap isn't it? It's both a good thing and sad that we've been more of a family in the past four days than we have in the previous four months. It's good because it feels good to have everyone together and the stress somewhat gone, or at least greatly dialed down. I also can show SD/SS a level of affection that was tough before. Not that I didn't want to, but when I did W got angry as I think she thought I was trying to manipulate her via the kids. Plus I would start to break down and lose it when I was affectionate with them. So it was easier to just moderate that. But now I am openly affectionate with them much more. Everyone knows what's up so now let her get angry... which she hasn't.

One big change I have noticed is my W's willingness to be at the house. Almost every night she's been gone... to a friend's house, the bar, etc... But tonight makes the third night in a row that she's been home. Granted I've had GAL forcing her to be home, but in the past she'd be out the door minutes after I get home. I don't take this to mean she wants to be around me or is any softening of her heart. I only see it as she feels more comfortable with the separation and her situation so doesn't feel the need to "flee" the house and get space.

If nothing else I am happy because it means she's here more for the kids, and that's been one of their chief complaints and sources of pain lately.