How do you let go? Calling it quits.

[hope2011]

Sorry I've been MIA. I've had the flu for the past week.

NYE H took me out to dinner and a movie. It was nice. He was very gentlemanly, opening doors, pulling out chairs, etc. He kissed me at midnight, we ML. He's been on his best behavior all week and taken care of me while I've been sick. He's said ILY every day (something he rarely did before).

Being sick I've had a lot of time to think. Hasn't helped the confusion much. My heart says "there's a chance here to make it work". My head says "he is who he is" and that he won't change. Yep, I'm knee deep in WAW mode but I'm trying to slow down on the decision making.

I overhead him on the phone with his brother a few days ago, telling him what an idiot he's been, that me packing up is his fault, that he has a temper he needs to get under control. H never tells me stuff like that, never owns up to his mistakes or apologizes. It was nice to hear him take responsibility. He also told BIL that he wants to stay married, doesn't want to lose me. H has told me that.

This yo-yo has to stop but I'm still on the fence. I have a back up plan of moving out of state if I need to and now working on a local plan because moving my job out of state would mean starting over from scratch and 16 years at this job is too long to throw away. I found a house the business can rent and be run out of (it's lease is up in February anyway). It has enough room + some and if necessary I can rent a room or 2 for myself out of it. And it's someplace I can run to if need be. It will allow me stay here and keep the business going. It's all I have so I have to hold on to it. I can even go ahead and rent the room/rooms now and pull that rent out of my salary without H knowing so I can set it up now if I have to. I have quite a few people who are willing to help me move at a moment's notice. I feel blessed even during all this. I have a support system. Who knew? I sure didn't. Very blessed.

So I feel safer having plans, a place to go, family and friends by my side. That is so much more than I had a month ago. I feel like now I can make clearer decisions without the threat of being broke and homeless held over my head.

H has agreed to counseling. I need to find a local one that's solution based. Our last therapy try (3 years ago) completely blew up in my face as the therapist was HORRIBLE and enabled H and though he said he was solution-based, he was all about placing blame and finding no solutions and nothing to help communication. So I'm happy that H has agreed to counseling, yet scared of a repeat of last time. H has done a lot of stuff wrong, A LOT. I am not perfect but I have been loyal and supportive. How do we go into therapy where it's not a beat-up H session? Because H will run if it is. Definitely looking for a male therapist. Does Michele have a list of SBT therapists by state?

In other news, the boys are still at their mom's house. Their mom has bought one of them a new car - the same kid that talked back at Christmas, had the cops at my parents house. She bought him a Porsche. Yes, you read that right. An old one, but still. The worse they behave, the bigger rewards for them it seems. Still no consequences at all for their behavior or grades. None. I am so grateful for a break from them. H is texting them a lot. 1 is responding. The other (worst) one isn't at all. H is almost begging him to respond, sending him ILY texts. It makes me very angry that this all goes on with the boys as the parenting here is just horrible. But I am trying not say anything about it and just be grateful for the break. When they return, if they return (XW going for custody).... will the kids still call all the shots? H has agreed to family counseling as well (preferably with the same counselor for marriage counseling) - if the boys will agree to go. I doubt they will agree to it but I am proud of H for agreeing.

Guard up but taking baby steps....