feeling like giving up.....former DBing against OW

[imthemom]

thanks MZ....I have known that for quite some time, even before the D bomb. When I first left I knew that when H got sober and we eventually worked it out, it would be a totally different relationship and I was excited about that at first... but when Im honest with myself, H did not try to work things out with me. Once he had been sober for a year he started acting as if the relationship was fine and and nothing was talked about or worked on...when he started slowly moving stuff into my place I freaked out thinking, wait a minute!! Im not going back to that relationship, and if we havent done anything to work on it how is it going to be any different..as a matter of fact the act of not doing anything and just picking up were we left off was VERY commen for us and scared the crap out of me. Once I said something about we needed to talk about things thats when he really backed off and started getting bugged...and started with the attitude of "look, i got sober what else do you want??"

I had an interesting convo with my S14 last night...he has brought up several times that I should go on a date. I simply tell him that I am married, and married people dont date.
He said it again last night and said that he was going to make me a profile on a dating sight. I laughed and said you better not and he asked why again, I told him my same reply..Im married and he got really angry. He made a comment about "you and dad are divorced and you shouldnt even care about him anymore"....I told him we werent divorced yet and that I would always care about his dad. He then said that the way dad treats you, you shouldnt even talk to him. and I wouldnt even want you to talk to him if he came back and said he wanted to be with you. I was floored.....He has always wanted his father and I to be together...this is a first. And we havent talked alot about the D or what is going on at his dads house when he is over there..but I know hes been upset that his dad never talks to him about anything. Hes mentioned that he likes that when he is in trouble I sit and talk to him about it and dad says nothing. H is not a talker...you can sit in a room with him for hours and a word would not be said.

Anyway, S14 said I need to find someone that will treat me nice and make me happy again...1) it made me feel terrible because obviously as much as ive tried, i havent hidden that fact that im sad good enough from him. and 2) even though H is spending time with S14 now, S is really pissed at him... and has lost a lot of respect for him. I scared to see what will happen when he is told or finds out about ow (you like that MZ?? no caps!!)
I told him that I didnt need anyone to make me happy, and that it was perfectly normal to be sad sometimes when you go threw a major life change the way we are. There were gonna be days that are harder then others..(he brought up our anniversary might be hard, its in April) and that time would help things settle down and everyone would be able to handle things better when that happened..and that we would be ok!!
Im going to take my own advice....
today is one of the good days...