Many thanks for your words of encouragement. It really does help to know there are others out there who have and are going through this (as hellish as it is).
I'll try to remember to not believe her words... and not comment on her actions. Though they are self-destructive and difficult to watch. (I feel like I continue to die a little inside everytime I see her secretly texting someone, or lying about going out with her "girlfriends"... I'm just not showing it on the outside anymore).
My DB coach told me to read a book called the "five love languages". I did, and it verified to me that my wife's 'love language' is 'personal affirmation'. She needed more of that from me, and didn't get it... which contributed to the situation we're in. I accept that (but again don't take all the blame).
Problem is, when I pay her compliments now or encourage her, she reacts angrily...saying/thinking I'm acting desperate, and it's 'suffocating her'... 'too little, too late', she says. So I'm a bit confused about things. By continuing to compliment her, am I breaking down her resistance, or pushing her farther away? I do it genuinely... when I think she looks good, or has done something kind for our son, I say so.
I think I will just continue to pay little compliments -- very earnest, matter of fact and not over the top..."you look really nice in that dress. Have a good day at work." kind of thing to start. Is that okay?? Or for the time being, should we just act like roomates?
I have always tried to be a really good Dad, spending a lot of time with my son, and have always shared in the domestic chores, bringing her coffee, making dinner, doing the laundry, etc. my fair share of the time. So that's never been a complaint of hers... she acknowledges that I'm a good Dad and helpful around the house. It's really always been about how wanted/valued she's felt... she says that, too, and says she's out there flirting because these men are paying attention to her, complimenting her, making her feel beautiful.
My other concern is that she has said quite a few times in this process that she wants me to go out and have more of a social life independent of her... and that she hopes I'll find someone else that makes me happy one day, so we can both move on. Taking my DB Coach's advice, I have been going out after work with colleagues, going to the gym, pursuing social activities without her a lot more than I used to. This does help me, but also feels like I'm feeding into her request to 'give her space' and 'let her live independently' (i.e., like a single person).
On Friday, I went out with colleagues and stayed out very late, going to several bars, clubs. She texted me at midnight to ask "Are you okay?" and say "Have a good time. Remember to drink some water." What should I read into that, if anything... glimmer of hope, or her being happy I'm out of her hair and meeting new people.
