LAbug said - I always had the right answer, the logical argument, etc.
Rick said - my W, MIL and me had a long conversation last night about all of this. My W's breakdown/crisis and the potential loss of our M was the catalyst for me really seeing how I had become as a person and as a H (the good, bad and ugly). If this hadn't happened neither my W or I would have broken the lifelong habits we developed as protective reactions to our childhood traumas. We both realize that this is the case for both of us and see in each other how we have faced this head on and are evolving.
I don't know if this will help you as you have said you see the similarities between you and me. I really had so many fear based reactions, and one of the constant fears was that my W would not make choices that would be for the good of our families but would harm us. With that thought process leading the way I felt I needed to control so much, and my logic had to be right. What I couldn't do was slow down, listen to her, think in terms of how her emotions were right for her because that is where she was, accept and even embrace the differences. I was so insanely in survival mode and so focused that she could not unburden herself with me. It was already her lifelong issue with her terror of opening up, and then she was married to someone who would meet things head on like it was the end of the world. It only served to push her further into herself.
FWIW, we have made so many gains in self-realization and putting it into practice that we are realizing that we are now able to talk through most issues together, give each other the peaceful place to share it, not feel threatened by each others reactions, and actually feel very much like a united front.
All I can say is that time, self-honesty, and detaching do seem to change the environment for the better; and who knows where that will ultimately lead.
