Update: Met with C last night. When I got home, W asked me about the session. I told her it went well. Shared a line about the relationship about fear and love from the session that I thought was insightful. She asked me what my fears were. Told her I had a lot before the S and joked that we didn't have the time to get into that (she was going out with a friend). Told her there was something else, about communication, that spoke to me about our pre-S relationship that we could talk about it later if she wanted. W asked about the promotion. Told her no news. Had a great night with the kids! W came home and told me several stories about her day with the kids (she sent TMs of them playing at the park during the day) and how great the kids are and how we have done a good job as parents with them. I told her I agreed. W said we could talk more about the C session the next day if I wanted to do so. I said ok and called it a night. W said goodnight which she rarely does.
Like my previous post, the question I wanted to ask is, why again are we getting D? We are getting along better than at any time during our M and a D will have a very negative impact on the kids we both love so deeply. I am confused. Why is a person who has filed for D expressing any interest in me at all? Many friends are telling me to move on and I am experiencing that feeling myself a little more often. I cannot tell if my W is feeling anything positive for me or if she is being nice and setting me up for the D side of things (her L is asking to have me leave the house next month and place the kids with her). I don't get it.
If you both own the house and there is no violence your L can argue against you having to move out. I know it is confusing but just focus on you and the kids. Don't worry about why she is doing what. She is hurting, scared and confused just like you. Let her do what she thinks she has to. Hang in there and work on those changes
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Like my previous post, the question I wanted to ask is, why again are we getting D? We are getting along better than at any time during our M and a D will have a very negative impact on the kids we both love so deeply.
James... I know the feeling. I have the same feelings often. We get along pretty well 98% of the time. We are communicating more and better than we did before.
BUT... that's now. She hasn't bought in. She's still doing the D thing because if she stops then what's to stop you from going back to old you? What's to stop your R from returning to what it was?
I think in my sitch I realize this, but it's hard to keep centered on. Time + changes... and keeping the road paved and smooth.
Part of it also has to do with history IMO. If your W has divorced before or comes from a divorced household, then it doesn't seem to be that big of a hurdle. It's something that can be done... and undone. I know, for me, coming from a house that never had a divorce but where the threat existed for many years, it seems especially dramatic and painful. And quite honestly more dangerous and painful than it will really be.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Rick, thanks. There is no violence, criminal activity, alcohol/drug abuse, neglect, etc. I purchased the house before the M. W has told me many times she dislikes the house and does not want it. W and I have not discussed her L's request. The Ls can handle that. I want to keep our conversations positive because we are joined for the long haul regardless of the D because of the kids.
I sense that she is confused. I sense that she expected me to blow up, negotiate, beg, plead, or try to talk her out of the D when she told me about her filing. (I did none of these things and have not brought it up since. That is very difficult but is for the best.) I sense that she does not know what to do with the re-found upbeat and confident me. I sense that she is committed to the idea that what I am doing is too little too late. I sense that she is committed to the idea that she loves me but is not in love with me. I sense that she does not trust that the changes I have made will last. I sense that she has created a lot of inertia behind a D by telling her friends and family that she's had it with me.
My L says that because we are living together with the kids now and were sharing them before (see previous posts), that the temporary arrangement will be more equal. My W tends to hear what she wants and tends to be very idealistic. My feeling is that she believes she will get everything she is asking for at the temporary hearing and that I will be left with the scraps. When that does not happen, I believe she is going to have to wrestle with the fact that the D process [censored] (for both sides) and that her "new life" (post D) will not be the pretty picture she thought it was going to be when she made the decision to file. I expect her to get very angry at me and tell me that I am making things difficult. I am hopeful that she may also reconsider the realities of the D process. Not sure what will happen but I sense that being confronted by a reality that is inconsistent with her idealized vision of D process/the future is going to shake her world. It could get much better, worse, or be the same after. I remain hopeful but I do not know.
Thanks, WHG. Fully agree that W has not brought in (she may never buy in). W seems surprised regularly about my postive attitude toward her, toward life, the potential promotion, etc. (I believe one of the reasons W keeps asking about the promotion is to see if it will actually happen and I will pull the trigger and put that change into place "permanently.") Agree that W does not trust that the changes are lasting. W seems most hung up on the why did it take you so long idea, there is nothing you can do to get me to reconsider idea, the it's too little too late idea, and the I want a new life without the M idea. My behavior from the past, pre-S, seems to be the basis for every decision she makes. IMO, it feels like she is Ding the person I was not the person I am.
Both W's and my parents are D. We used to talk about not wanting to go in the same direction.
Update: Had a good night out GALing with friends last night. Looked good and felt good. Had the kids to myself before leaving. Great time with them. When W came home she saw something on TV that reminded her of an issue from our past: a long distance, internet EA from two years ago. She started to bring it up and then said forget it. Before leaving the house I took her aside, looked her in the eye, and told her that regardless of the D proceedings my behavior was dead wrong no matter how disconnected we were at the time and I wanted her to know that I understood how much I hurt her. I acknowledged that our M wasn't working then and told her I knew she was trying to tell me but I wasn't listening. She thanked me and told me that although I had apologized many times in the past it was the first time she believed me. I told her I did not want to have a R talk I just wanted to address the hurt I caused and could still hear in her voice. I then left the house. Not sure if I handled this in the DB way, but it felt right to address it. As always, I welcome any input.
It is hard to know what is right and wrong sometimes. It is a hit or miss kind of a thing. Just wait and see if what you did worked. I know how very hard it is to live with someone who is planning on divorcing you. You see them everyday and deal with rejection. My W really says nothing not a word. I really don't have close friends so GAL is hard at times.
James what were W's complaints about you? Have you changed those by doing 180s? Hang in there it does get better and you will feel stronger. Believe me in August I was a mess and at her complete mercy. No so much anymore
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Thanks, Rick. Her complaints were that I spent too much time at the office, did not contribute at home, was not a team player, did not help her get/protect "her time," did not improve our fixer upper home, did not earn enough money to minimize our financial stress, did not have a good attitude, and did not work hard enough at being a father. She was absolutely right on each account and seeing the list in writing makes me sick. Since the S, I have done 180s on each of the items: I have cut down my work hours, I have created lots of space for her to do things, I have chipped in financially a lot more, I have sought a new promotion at work that would mean a different (more positive) job, I have removed a lot of clutter from the home, I have improved my appearance, I have helped out with all things domestic, and I have improved my attitude. W told me over the weekend (more on this in a separate post to follow) that she could see that I have changed. I told her that everyday I make it my mission to re-enforce my new habits because I never want to go back to the man I was.
Sandi, I apologize if I was incomplete. I thought I referenced this in an earlier post but I may not have. You are correct: two years is not the past. When I heard the hurt in my W's voice again I recognized this. That is why I addressed it as the new me, not the absolute jerk who put myself in a position to hurt my W. Over the weekend W brought up to me again that she appreciated me addressing "for real" for the first time. I believe I am listening to my W for the first time in our M. I'm taking baby steps.
Whoa, what???