[/color]Hi Accuray! Thanks so much for stopping by my thread and for your wise words!
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Originally Posted By: Accuray
nhmom,
Welcome to the forum, sorry you find yourself here. My W withdrew from me as well, then I withdrew, and she went through the same emotions your H is going through, culminating in affairs and walking away. We are now piecing, so I'm several months ahead of you -- happy to help if I can.
Reading through your sitch, I can completely identify with where you are emotionally. It's great that you found the 5 Love Languages book. That is extremely helpful. Be very careful with your H's choice of C, or even your choice of C for that matter. You have to make 100% certain they are "marriage friendly". Very few out there view marriage like MWD and will advocate trying to save it at any cost. If you hook up with an MC who is not marriage friendly, and they advocate separating, your H will have heard an "expert opinion" backing up his position. Please make sure you go to any MC yourself more than once and get very comfortable that this person (1) understands and agrees with your goals and (2) understands H and where he's coming from. [/color]I think I have picked a good C. I've only seen her 3 times so far, but have been pretty satisfied and assured that her (and the practice's) philosophy aligns with my goals. I wanted to find a "pro-marriage" counselor and found the C's website and took a chance. She is familiar with MWD, though not so much with DB or DR, but she made a note to read the books. She recommended the 5 love languages, men are from mars, women are from venus, the solo partner. She definitely believes that one person can change a relationship, so we'll see how it goes. As for H, though he has mentioned an interest in seeing a C, I don't know the C's name nor their philosophy, so it makes me nervous. I haven't asked him recently if he's thought more about it.[color:#000000]
Reading over your sitch, I can give you two immediate pieces of advice:
(1) You've got to stop involving H's family. You can't go to MIL or biological MIL. He's looking for his own support system, and feels that you are trying to "flank him" and campaign against him using his family. You've got to leave his family out of it. Right now they are for him. [/color] I agree. I don't want him to think that I want his family to be on my side. I don't want them to pick sides, but I'm sure to him it might seem so. I do however ask MIL to watch our S4 from time to time. We haven't really talked about H and mine situation though. She checks in on me every few days. I don't have family in this country other than my H's, so it had been hard not to have anyone to talk to about this and to pretend that things are fine. The bio-mom, well, she checks in on me every so often too, but I try to keep it neutral and say that things are "same old". She knows my frustration and seems to agree, but it's no use in talking about it over and over. [color:#000000]
(2) You've got to make every effort to stop pursuing. Make sure H knows you want to save the marriage and you want to do the work. Once he knows, however, don't keep telling him. Once is enough unless he has a hearing problem.
Finally, you definitely have a good shot of saving your marriage. [/color](Thanks for the confidence! It helps to hear that even though I question that sometimes) [color:#000000] Your H has been hurt and is now distrustful.
Often the WAS will get ANGRY when you start making positive changes or being nice. Why do they get angry?
1) They're very frustrated that they needed changes from you for so long that you wouldn't make. Now, you seem to just be able to make the changes -- why did you make them suffer for so long? Why did it have to get so bad before you'd do something for their benefit? Therefore, they're not mad about what you're doing *now*, although it feels that way, they're mad about what they had to endure in the context of the changes you're making. [/color]You nailed it right on the head. He can't get over the fact that it did take me THAT long to finally see what he's been trying to say. [color:#000000]
2) The fact that you're making positive changes and trying to save the marriage sets some level of expectation that they should also change and work on the marriage. Even if you don't say this or don't imply it, it goes to MWD's points that you can change your relationship by changing yourself. If one person changes, the other must change in response. H will resent you for trying to make things better while he is not. That makes him feel badly about himself. There is nothing you can do about this, nor should you. He owns that. You should just be aware of it and not think that his anger indicates that you're not doing what you should.
Keep doing what you're doing. Be pleasant, work on yourself, be upbeat and happy. Be mysterious in a good way. Act 180 degrees from how you used to act when challenged by H. You need to prove through action that your changes are real and permanent, and you have to do it over, and over, and over again.
This is not a sprint, it's marathon, and it takes incredible discipline and consistency, and it's *hard*. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. If you can stick to the program, however, it can work. [/color] I used to be a runner. Never ran a marathon, but did a 1/2 marathon. I do hope to run a marathon some day. So I can relate to the metaphor too well. I know how important it is to take time, keep a steady pace. The feeling after crossing the finish line is incredible and like no other. It makes the journey and hard work so much more worth it, and you just want to keep going and work harder. So this is what I'm going to do, keep a slow and steady pace of positive changes, try not to think about the finish line too much as it can get very frustrating and unreachable, especially when you're early on in the race. And when I finally cross the finish line, I will be a much better person to myself and to those around me. And hopefully, H will be waiting for me at the finish line (like he did after my 1/2).[color:#000000]
Good luck nhmom, let me know if I can help. [/color]Thanks again, Accuray! I hope to get more of your input on this journey!
