2003 Success Stories!!

[ChristineE]

This thread is so wonderful!!!

Here's a question to add,

If the successful DBers could give new DBers some quick advice, what would you say are the single most important things to remember?

I asked BillM this question and his answer was very helpful. Here's his reply:


Hoo boy. You know, going through this, it seems that the most useful thoughts that I carried around in my head changed rapidly depending on what I was going through. I think that a big "theme" for me was, what positive energy am I bringing to the table? I imagined a flow of energy in our lives. When I was sitting there, hurting, waiting for some response, I could imagine that I was draining energy from the relationship; when I was able to make myself a source of happiness, create an inviting atmosphere (making meals, putting on music, being happy, making an effort to listen to W) I was bringing energy to the relationship. The thing that my W has commented on mostly is the feeling of unconditional love coming from me. I was hurting, but never lashed out, I just kept loving her and doing things to show it.

Take time to take care of yourself. Don't try to deny or resist what's going on - this will just make you angry. Avoid the "if only"s - I spent a lot of time torturing myself over what I could have done and what I didn't do which led to the situation, but these feelings are not useful. For some reason part of me craved to hang on to them, but there was no reason to. Each day is new - accept the situation and you'll be in a better space to make productive changes.

Remind yourself that YOU are a source of STRENGTH, of love, of postive energy. You don't need your relationship for these things - think of yourself as a well of positive energy that energizes your self, your life, your relationship. Put the thoughts out of your head that you need the relationship to fill you up, because it's the other way around - your relationship needs you to fill it up.

So, when you do something in love, don't expect anything in return. Your spouse will sense it. Just do it as an extention / expression of yourself.

This may or may not ring true for you; I'm no philosopher or relationship expert, but this is what I guess I've learned.

[imalright]

Thank you.
I will be taking a few days off of the success stories, I know you will understand.
Had a big change in my sitch, looks like I will may not make succees stories afterall

I'm glad I could set this up. Enjoy all.

Deb

[psluke]

You are a success. Your success is NOT gauged on whether your H decides he does or does not want to be married to you!

I understand what this thread is about, but to my way of thinking that is not an ACCURATE way to judge if you are a sucess.

YOU are a success because you made changes and built a new you!!!!!! That has nothing to do with your H! That is beyound your control!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Deb}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[Jamesjohn]

I totally understand, my dear. Don't give it a second thought.

However, I still wouldn't be surprised to see you making it into success stories! Things may have changed for you, but I've seen plenty of times when things have turned back towards a better direction for many others here.

In fact, I'm sure you've read through a few of them in your research for this thread!

Hang in there, my friend, and be good to yourself for a few days. Thanks again!

P.S. Yup, what Pam said, too!!!

[Survival_Goddess]

I just wanted to say this thread is very encouraging! Thank you to all who are doing the work of putting the threads together in a timeline.

Could I please ask if any of these success storys have an OW who has been in the picture for 3 Years? My H has been involved with his girl for 3 years. Now he say's he's "Working on it" to get her out, but to me this is just more of the same.
It seems to me that a lot of the folks in Piecing has had less entrenched affairs to deal with, am I right?
Anyway thanks for doing this
S_G
My thread

[lostlove]

S_G,

now don't go reading my threads for inspiration or anything like that....BUT know that there are a few folks in piecing who's spouse DID have long term A's of one kind or another.

My h had been involved with ow for a year before I found out about her...three months later he moved out...over six months after moving out and being certain he'd never come home...he came home...ow was still around for a few months (that I know of anyway). Upon h's return I learned that he had some kind of r (other than business) just before we were married...so if you add the two years that I knew of plus what ever went on before (and of course the time in the middle cause let's face it even if they weren't carrying on a r then the seed had already been planted)

Point is it doesn't matter if there is another person involved..sure it can make things a bit more difficult and may take longer for the was to see things clearly but it is possible.

LL

[RMC]

Survival,

Alas, I'm one of those you speak of.
By the time I found out my H was in an A, he ADMITTED that it had been 2.5 yrs.
Well, That was two yrs ago.

He came home twice and left again.

Both times I found out, by his admission that he had been back in contact with her. Not SLEEPING with her, just talking.(so he says)

Since we've been seeing each other this last time, supposedly he's not talking to her at all.
I'm at a loss as to why he keeps me hanging on if he can't give her up.

He knows what's at stake, He knows he will lose me if I find out he's lying again.

Something is keeping him from commiting to me and I can't help but think it's because he's in some way involved with her still and he feels if he's not living with me that he's somehow cheating on me less.

I've reached the end of my rope with trying to please him and win him back. This has been the worse 2 yrs of my life and I have to start to think in terms of making a life without him for me own sanity.

I'm doing things JUST for me now. Going out with friends,family and going to school.

I've finally just begun to be able to really detach. This is out of pure need to be free of all this drama my life has been immersed in for way too long.

I don't know the statistics of long term A's. Maybe JJ can let us know if he has any idea if the chances are less with them.

Regardless, we have NO control of them and their decison to stay with OP or come home.

I've done everything I know to do, so now I do nothing.

I've stopped calling him and making plans. I don't answer the phone all the time when he calls.
He's sensed my changes and he's giving me crumbs again to pull me back into the dance but it won't work this time.

If he goes back to OW then he is not worthy of my love anyway.

If he loves me and wants our M then he will have to show me for an extended period of time and with zest that he wants me back, AND that he is wiling to commit fully to our R.

He's just pushed me too far and for too long. This is what I need to do for me.

I'd be interested in knowing the answer to your question as well if anyone out there knows! Rachael

[Jamesjohn]

I don't know the statistics of long term A's. Maybe JJ can let us know if he has any idea if the chances are less with them.

I'm not sure if there are really any statistics available, but here's one way to look at it.

During the first part of an A, there's lots of newness and excitment and adventure and daring, etc., etc.

Probably a lot like when your relationship together first started?

However, time goes on. Soon, there's the stinky-breath in the morning, the newness wears off and you start paying less attention to each other, warts start to appear, etc.

Probably a lot like when your relationship together first started to go sour?

Relationships take a LOT of nuturing, a lot of dedication, and a lot of knowledge on what you can do to make them last.

YOU are working on the skills and the knowledge, and have the dedication, to overcome the "time of the warts".

Do you think that the two of THEM together do??

Maybe sometimes the A might end too soon? There's still too many thoughts of the "goodness" of it all? I'm not sure, but it might be a possibility.

No "statistics", but a different way to look at it that might help you to remain hopeful in your situation.

[psluke]

Of course if one party in the affair IS studying relationships and reading the bb that should certainly help the affair last longer.

[Jamesjohn]

Of course if one party in the affair IS studying relationships and reading the bb that should certainly help the affair last longer.

Maybe.

BUT, if you have TWO people studying relationships and reading the bb, that might just DOUBLE the chances of the original relationship coming back together?!