WHG: Chasing that rabbit with the pocketwatch

[workinghardguy]

Well... it's been an interesting day. We did tell the kids today. I think today goes down as the third hardest day of my life. First hardest was the day my mom called me at college to tell me my dad had finally passed. Second hardest was the day we buried my dad. And today makes #3, but really it's more like 1, 1a, and 1aa.

It was a bit surreal to start... as I was pulling in the driveway I get a text from my W asking what we should do for lunch for her, SS, SD, and me. Are you kidding me? That's what we're focused on? But... I suppose it's a worthwhile question. I come in the house and we figure out lunch. So with the big questions answered we agree to tell SS and SD in the back room.

We sit down with SS and SD. W and I agree she will take the lead with them since she has the most rapport with them. It goes okay. SD cries and is more emotional than I expected. SS cries too. They ask some questions... those who said you can't predict the questions is right. I tend to have the ability to bring levity to most situations, so I manage to do that but I think keep it appropriate and focused. At one point SD asks if this means she has to get a job... she's 8... poor girl. I give her a hug and tell her no... money is an adult issue and mom and I will figure that out. Afterward I go and get Subway for all of us. We share lunch together and it's actually ok in the house.

Then my mom brings my son home. He's in a great mood having just gone to lunch with grandma. W and I sit him down... I take the lead. I ask him if he can tell me what it means for mommies and daddies to divorce. He says he can't. I ask him again and he says he doesn't remember, but I know he does... I think he just didn't want to go down that road; which I totally get. So I bring up the talk he and I had last weekend when he was asking about it. He tells us it's when a mommy and daddy can't live together anymore, have to live in separate houses, and that it's not the kids' fault. I'm heartbroken and proud all at the same time. And with that as our lead we head in.

We cover what we agreed on... I love mommy and mommy loves daddy but as friends, not husband and wife. W holds my hand with S sitting between us. That mommy love and daddy love for him can never be broken or change. That mommy will live in the basement for now. That at some point mommy will move, etc... At one point W worries that he's zoning us out, off in his own world. I don't think that at all... but I know him better. I ask my S a few recap questions. What is happening? You and mommy are getting a divorce. Is it your fault? No. Is it SS and SD fault? No, it's no one's fault. Where will you live? He points at me and at mommy.

Now with W satisfied that S is engaged I give him the calendar I made up. I took a month and color-coded it so that he could see what days he sees mommy, days he sees daddy, and days he sees us both. Like me, my son is a visual person, and he hits on the calendar. He starts pointing out days and who he'll be with. He starts counting them. He starts counting the days when he sees us both. Again... proud and heartbroken at the same time.

He doesn't really have any questions... but then it's almost like he tested us. He asks if we've told SS and SD? We say yes. He asks to talk to them. They come back to the room and he does a little interrogation of them. Then satisfied that mom and dad told the truth, he is done and asks to go watch the movie that's on. I suspect the questioning of SS and SD was a proxy test for whether mom and dad were truthful about all the other stuff. When it was all done my W thanked me for keeping it together, taking over when she started to lose it with SS/SD, and for being the one to tell S.

Afterwards we play XBox games and sit together while W takes a nap. When she got up we all went swimming and had a lot of fun. SS pushed my W in the pool when we got there and surprised her... it was pretty hilarious. Then I pulled him in when he thought he was getting a high-five... also hilarious. After the pool we went to dinner at Pizza Hut as a family and that went well too.

Kids went to bed without real issues. SS hung with me a lot tonight... he rode to the hotel with me (we took separate cars so W could go shopping after dinner). Rode to dinner with me. And sat at the table with me after SD and S went to bed and we just talked about stuff. That doesn't usually happen, but I just stayed present for whatever he needed from me.

Perhaps the most poignant moment... and hilarious (at least to me) came en route from the hotel to dinner. SD asked to ride with my W because she had some "questions". After we got home and kids were in bed I asked my W if SD was ok. W said yes... that the "questions" SD needed to ask was if my W was going to date guys now. According to my W it went pretty close to this:

SD: Mom, are you going to date guys now?
W: Why do you ask? How would that make you feel if I did?
SD: Well... it's just that now you've left the second husband behind you... I'm just wondering if you really need to go for a third.
W: No... I'm not planning on dating anyone, any time soon.
W: Would it bother you if [me] started dating a woman?
SD: Not really.
W: Why not?
SD: Because he didn't leave you behind.

Yes... I desperately had to control my emotions as my W recounted this story to me. All I could muster was that, "well... I'm sure she's worried about connecting with a new guy and going through this again." My W agreed and we both found it humorous and tragic at the same time.