Forward, slow as she goes

[BeingMe]

I don't take offense at all, Beatrice. I want to get answers. I think there is an interdependence between my H and I. We both don't seem to want to be the one who rips the band-aid off completely. Me, because I still love him, and had hope that things would change (but, I'm starting to get that it probably won't, not soon anyway). Him! I have no idea. He says he doesn't love me, but enjoys coming home. Maybe it's because we are immigrants, and don't have family close by, so we are each other's family? Or he doesn't want to appear as the bad guy to our children ... they are very important to him. In some ways, I wish he had just walked out. His kindness is "killing" me. One just never knows where you stand with him. He says he doesn't love me, but then he goes and buys me a car, or phones me everyday while away. I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop for 7 years. I've managed to get on with my life in other ways, and I've been able to ignore any loneliness with have two of my children at home, but lately, they tend to sleep over at friends for weekends, or S24 at his girlfriend. Then I know what I'm looking forward to. So, I must go where my grandchildren are. Also, where I have more friends and family ... a good support system.

As for being a victim ... I know I am scared to face the future alone. Is that being a victim? I don't enjoy being stuck here, but on the other hand, don't have any other thing I can do, but what I have planned already. I don't think of myself as a victim. I am hurt, of course, but that's inevitable given the circumstances. If my H had just left, I would've managed, but I have had a lot of time to think, and I'm not happy with being alone, but I'm alone most of the time now anyway. So, I have to go back to where we came from. I just need to get the house sold, my kids left unhanging (although, I'm sure they'll manage), and all legalities sorted out, and I hope to do this by July 2012. That's my plan, and it's been my plan since last year. The only difference is that I still had hope ... now I don't (for various reasons ... things said, and done by H, how he reacted to certain other events, etc.).

You have given me some food for thought, Beatrice. Thanks.