25yearsmlc message to peeps

[25yearsmlc]

here's the first part of my new thread and it's supposed to be "telling my story" as was asked of me...

I find I can't do it all at once, for reasons that will become clear.

hope someone benefits from this...

My Marriage & DB Lessons, in condensed form

"Chapter 1"

Ours is a long time marriage and for the most part, a very good marriage, sometimes a truly great one.

We married very young and we put ourselves through all of our schooling w/o help from family. We married while I was still in college and we both worked and borrowed our way through. Further schooling included 4 years of veterinary school for h, 3 years of law school for me, and later, h switched to human medicine/ medical school. That meant 4 years of school, 4 years of training and an additional year later on of fellowship training.

For those interested in medicine or marrying into it...

Medical school was much more demanding on me as a spouse, than I expected it to be, and I suspect neither of us knew what we were getting into when he began the process. But bear in mind I was a new mother when h began.

Unexpectedly our first child was born in my last year of law school, (say, 5 years "premature"?) and that meant our son was 8 weeks old when h began medical school... an 8 year SLOG of school and residency training (most holidays he was working, gone or so tired that he may as well have been gone)

and then years of repaying the military with work as active duty officers (I joined the military eventually b/c hey, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em").

It also lead to several big geographic moves so there was frequent upheaval and even, chaos--oh and a war. But truly, there was a lot of love and fun times too. And adventures. Our children were and remain close.

While h was in medical school we had our 2nd chid, a girl. Yes I felt like, and was, a single parent a lot. But I believed in "the cause".

Becoming a mother, and lawyer in the same month, and seeing h begin the long process of his new career, meant a lot of change all at once. But we seemed to make it. I know I was in love with my h and he was in love with me even through all this.

But somedays I think, "geez we must have liked chaos" b/c we were just better in crisis mode b/c we sure felt close.

Later, in addition to massive school loans, this also meant a lifestyle in which we deferred gratification for a LONG time.

This wore on us very differently.

There was resentment (on both sides), as well as pride and love and bonding.
Speaking for myself, I know I voiced concern that with h, we'd "always be striving and never arriving". We had a third child but I delayed it in part b/c I simply wanted more coparenting...

As I began to write out my story here, naturally I read over my journals from the time period of h's MLC.

Guess what? It does NOT HELP….it's like reliving the trauma of it.

So that brings me to my first "What I Learned Point:" (hereinafter known as WILP)

1) rehashing the past has little to no value NOW, when it comes to fixing problems today.

I DO think it has value in analysis or therapy IF you have some big unresolved childhood trauma or PTSD….but here, for solving today's marriage problems
this is "solution based" for a reason. Find a solution, not an excuse for unacceptable behavior.


Unless you come from a war torn area or lost a child, or have a "big ass issue from the past" and really need more help than we can give here - then I think a lot of the marriage "historical reviews" just stink.

And btw, newsflash...if you do a Marital history review-

neither of you will even mostly agree on what happened, let alone why.

So I guess my point would be to try and agree on what happens

"now and from this day forward."

Ever wonder why those words are in most wedding vows? I think I know.

That's all for now.