If the successful DBers could give new DBers some quick advice, what would you say are the single most important things to remember?
I asked BillM this question and his answer was very helpful. Here's his reply:
Hoo boy. You know, going through this, it seems that the most useful thoughts that I carried around in my head changed rapidly depending on what I was going through. I think that a big "theme" for me was, what positive energy am I bringing to the table? I imagined a flow of energy in our lives. When I was sitting there, hurting, waiting for some response, I could imagine that I was draining energy from the relationship; when I was able to make myself a source of happiness, create an inviting atmosphere (making meals, putting on music, being happy, making an effort to listen to W) I was bringing energy to the relationship. The thing that my W has commented on mostly is the feeling of unconditional love coming from me. I was hurting, but never lashed out, I just kept loving her and doing things to show it.
Take time to take care of yourself. Don't try to deny or resist what's going on - this will just make you angry. Avoid the "if only"s - I spent a lot of time torturing myself over what I could have done and what I didn't do which led to the situation, but these feelings are not useful. For some reason part of me craved to hang on to them, but there was no reason to. Each day is new - accept the situation and you'll be in a better space to make productive changes.
Remind yourself that YOU are a source of STRENGTH, of love, of postive energy. You don't need your relationship for these things - think of yourself as a well of positive energy that energizes your self, your life, your relationship. Put the thoughts out of your head that you need the relationship to fill you up, because it's the other way around - your relationship needs you to fill it up.
So, when you do something in love, don't expect anything in return. Your spouse will sense it. Just do it as an extention / expression of yourself.
This may or may not ring true for you; I'm no philosopher or relationship expert, but this is what I guess I've learned.
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
