Just prior to our anniversary in Feb of '03 I had a talk with H about the M. I noted that I "felt" there was something not right...we were barely talking to each other, spent little time together and our sex life was virtually null and void. It seemed like the M had gone static, we were two people occupying the same space but not sharing it. I asked H what he thought we could do to rectify this sitch before it possibly got worse. H told me that he didn't see our M that way, he was happy, things were fine and as for sex...well, his "drive" just wasn't what it once was. At that time I would have rated my M at a 5.
One month later H starts acting weird. He refuses to talk to me at all or to have any interaction with me other then on an anger-based level. His work hours get longer and longer and he begins stopping at the bar before coming home. One night he calls from work and says he wants to talk when he gets home. Everything unravels when this happens. He tells me he has thought about the things I had mentioned the month before and I was right, he is bored, the M has become platonic, ILYBINILWY. I ask if there is someone else and am told no. I ask if he wants to try to work things out or should we seperate. H says he wants to try to work things out. This was all done quite civilly and gently. I think this was when OW may have given H her ultimatum. MY M just became a 2.
Things picked up a little for about a week or 2 after H's version of the bomb. Then it went to hell in a hand basket. H got nastier and angrier on an almost hourly basis. He started using work as a hiding place (or so he said). He started qualifying everything he said regarding the R and me. His drinking increased, blood pressure went up, my seizures increased and we both stopped eating. We both retreated to our own private corners. I couldn't handle it anymore and one day handed him my ring and asked if he wanted a d. H went ballistic over that(he didn't want one but obviously I did...) I put the ring back on and called my parents to come and get me. H agreed that time apart might be a good idea. I left. M is now a big fat 0.
H came and got me from my parents after about 4 days. He missed me, wanted to work things out blah,blah,blah. I go back and things seem to improve again for about a week. We take a mini vacation, have a good time then upon our return home it all goes downhill again. H says he needs time and space. By now H isn't coming home until 5-6 in the morning, will not look me in the eye, seems as if he can barely stand to be in the same house with me. His remarks go beyond nasty to just plain hateful. It is too evident that there is another person involved but h still denies it. In June H for the first and only time does not come home at all. Does not attempt to hide that he spent the night with OW, says if he wants to do it again he will. If an M could get lower than a 0 mine would have been at this time.
I leave for a second time as my health gets severely affected by the stress. Two days after I leave I crash and seizures wont stop. H is contacted and is there in 4 hrs. Wants me to come home, read my journal, I was right, he was screwing things, I needed him up blah,blah,blah. I won't go...tell him if he still feels the same to come back on the weeknd and we'll see. H comes back, says he REALLY wants to try but I need to give him space til he can figure himself out. Again, I go back and things get better for a couple of weeks and then go all bad again. H looks into do-it-yourself d. I tell H I will never give him a D. I find DB and BB and start trying to implement DB principles. I back off from H completely. H finally unloads everything he is feeling. M starts to improve. We backslide a few days, H admits to long-term PA. H is still unsure of feelings regarding OW but says it has been over for a while. Things get bad again but not all the way to 0. We struggled a bit but by the end of AUG first part of Sept (?) we had made it back up to a 3/4.
After going to a friend's wedding and reading DR himself (pointing out to me which DB principles I wasn't paying attention to ) something in H shifted. Things started to improve dramatically and continue to do so although I have bobbled a bit a few times I rate my M at this time as an 8/9. There is always room for improvement
Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Zoo, I know you have heard it before, but boy do I identify with your sitch. My thread is on Separated under Amazing Adventures of Stay at Home Dad. I am only 2 months in, so I am grasping for advice and for hope. If you could check it out and pass it on to others like you who have survived, I'd appreciate it. JJ, Please don't be angry that I posted this plea in the success thread.
jandock
"In the clearing stands a boxer
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminder
Of every glove that laid him down
and cut him til he cried out
'I am leaving
I am leaving'
But the fighter still remains"
-Paul Simon
I love this thread!!!!!!!!!! THANKS to JJ and Deb for doing all this work. I have it in my favorite places and I am reading it when I need a PMA boost!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
I rate my M at this time as an 8/9. There is always room for improvement 
