I had to start a new thread because Part 3 reached 100.
Received an email this morning from H:
Good Morning,
I have a dilemma I hope you can help me with.
I have D this weekend. Friend's 'Celebration of Life' ceremony is this Saturday at 3pm. I would greatly like to attend to pay my respects. I have no idea how long it will go, but even if it goes into the night, I will leave well before that. Is there any way you can take her so I can go? Off the top of my head, I'm thinking we could all go eat lunch around 12 ish, and then head back to your place where I could leave in time to get there.
Thanks for considering.
H
P.S.: I'm having a real hard time dealing with D's 7th birthday tomorrow.
I replied back with:
No problem with me watching D on Saturday. But if you can pick her up before 6:30 I would appreciate it. I have plans. Lunch sounds great as well.
A little background on the P.S. part: H had a D with his gf at the time 7 years ago. And she past away when she was 2 months of heart problems. She would have been 7 yrs old tomorrow and it is really hitting him hard.
But here is my thing. You would think since he lost one daughter, how can he stand to be a part-time Dad to his one only living D. I am not the only one puzzled by this. I asked him this and he hit the roof.
I wish I knew. Yesterday, I snooped thru my H text messages and found things I wish I never found. One of his co workers that he was involved with, well they sent dirty pics and dirty sayings back and forth. And his ex-girlfriend sent dirty pics of herself. And she is married. I would love to forward those to her husband. This happened a month after we separated. And I found a text from a few days ago that he sent her how he could not get her off his mind and he was horny for her. Think God she lives up north. Now I can't seem to get the pics out of my head. I don't know how to deal with this. If I told him that I knew about them, it would be the end of our relationship. I wish I knew how to handle this.
Do not mention the text messages etc! He will only make it about you & snooping if you bring it up.
Unfortunately as the LBS you have to eat all the garbage. Just ignore it.
Your H is having lunch with you & also bringing up emotional feelings. Those are good signs. Dirty talk & sex pix while intimate are in a completely different catagory then coming to you about his feelings regarding the death of his infant D. Be there for him and help him with those feelings. How could that not make you closer??
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
That's rough, sorry to hear you are having to go through this.
My wife had some text conversations with a man last spring that were inappropriate. We've talked about it several times and the conversation never goes well. What's funny is that as inappropriate as that situation was, she always steers the conversation into how terrible it was for me to snoop.
We are getting along now and have decided to work through our issues and repair the marriage, however I told her one of my non-negotiables is that she MUST stop being friends with this person (he's our neighbor). She's thinks it's controlling of me and said she could terminate the friendship, but is upset that I am dictating that she does so. I told her it's really her choice and that I will make my choice based on hers.
Anyway, I hate to be negative but really at some point we all need to decide what's acceptable and not acceptable, and make a stand no matter what the outcome will be. We have to have self respect. As Dr. Phil says, "You teach people how to treat you."
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
NTX, hope it works out for you. My wife intends to file, but I hope we can decide to work through our issues and repair the marriage too.
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
Hopeful, I lost a child so maybe I can give some insight... maybe your H feels he is "losing" his other D in the divorce too or "failing" at parenting so he's put up wall up. It's self-preservation mode for him, nothing to do with your daughter. Men who grieve the loss of a child are completely different than women who grieve. I've worked with grieving parents for 16 years and I can tell you that only a very small percentage of men don't "crack" and run off, have affairs, etc to escape their pain - even years after the death. My own XH included.
Listen to him, be there for him. If this woman is up North and it's just an EA right now, he's on the border. Everything you do and say will lean him one way or the other. Lean him your way. Say nothing about the messages. How are you reading them anyway (from 1 snoop to another)?
Me - 38, 2nd M, no living children, 1 forever 6 yr old boy H - 44, 3rd M, twins 16
Dating 4/07 M 10/08 Bomb #1 12/10 Bomb #2 1/11 Bomb #3 12/11
That's rough, sorry to hear you are having to go through this.
My wife had some text conversations with a man last spring that were inappropriate. We've talked about it several times and the conversation never goes well. What's funny is that as inappropriate as that situation was, she always steers the conversation into how terrible it was for me to snoop. My H is the same way. He tells me how wrong it is for me to snoop. That I should trust him.
We are getting along now and have decided to work through our issues and repair the marriage, however I told her one of my non-negotiables is that she MUST stop being friends with this person (he's our neighbor). She's thinks it's controlling of me and said she could terminate the friendship, but is upset that I am dictating that she does so. I told her it's really her choice and that I will make my choice based on hers.He told me the exact thing. That I am trying to control him. But I am not. He just makes lousy decisions.
Anyway, I hate to be negative but really at some point we all need to decide what's acceptable and not acceptable, and make a stand no matter what the outcome will be. We have to have self respect. As Dr. Phil says, "You teach people how to treat you."
Hopeful, I lost a child so maybe I can give some insight... maybe your H feels he is "losing" his other D in the divorce too or "failing" at parenting so he's put up wall up. It's self-preservation mode for him, nothing to do with your daughter. Men who grieve the loss of a child are completely different than women who grieve. I've worked with grieving parents for 16 years and I can tell you that only a very small percentage of men don't "crack" and run off, have affairs, etc to escape their pain - even years after the death. My own XH included.
Listen to him, be there for him. If this woman is up North and it's just an EA right now, he's on the border. Everything you do and say will lean him one way or the other. Lean him your way. Say nothing about the messages. How are you reading them anyway (from 1 snoop to another)?
I feel that he is leaning my way. But what about the other woman he works with? How do I compete against her?
Well, H text me a few times last night and called me. Just small talk. Then, he called me this morning just for small talk.
This just being friends is hard work. Especially since I want grab and hug and kiss him.
But he is sending me mixed messages. For example, Friday night when he came to pick me up, we were taking our D to Chuckie Cheese, and he grabbed and gave me a big hug and kiss. But for the rest of the weekend that we were together, nothing.
Today, I am feeling totally lost. Especially with my feelings about H.
