Too Little, Too late. 2

[purgatory]

OMG! I need to cry!!!

Today is my anniversary. 7 years married, 9 years since we met (yes. we got married exactly 2 years to the day that we met.) I'm really trying not to look at our wedding album and video, which was our tradition on this day- just the 2 of us would reminisce about that day and laugh at the stories.. it always seemed to remind us why we were together and reignite that love we felt on that day.

H is out looking at his 'new place'..... never acknowledged the day. He might as well stab me in the heart!! I left a card for him in his laptop, (didn't sign it) simply said: "January, 8 2012. 9 years ago."

H came to me and said that he saw the card, but didn't say anything about it. H said: 'I know what today is.' He mentioned that he wanted to talk tonight about 'stuff', I asked for clarification, and he said the papers, and my up-coming meeting with the lawyer.... really?! This is the conversation he wants to have on our anniversary?!?!

I tried to keep my composure, but I'm sure he could tell my voice was about to crack. I told him that I think it's cruel that he's checking out his new place on this day- as if there were no other days he could go over there. He gave me excuses about how the friend is busy and today was the only day they both had some time.
He then got defensive and said: "I could have moved out before Christmas when the offer was made, but I'm compromising so that you don't feel rushed."
In my best DB thought process, I said: "I know you're making sacrifices too" (the look on his face was surprise.) I had a moment of weakness and said: ''It's still confusing to me because-yes, we didn't get along and we yelled- but that's not us anymore, and those are the reasons you're leaving.'' He didn't say anything to that, but he couldn't look me in the eye.

[btw- does anyone know why the WAS can't look you in the eye sometimes, but when they are being mean/cruel, they look you straight in the eye? I would love to understand the psychology behind this.]

Somehow we got to a point in the conversation where he said: "We aren't moving at your pace because if we did, you would drag your heels and never do anything until I got back from Afg. is some hopes that I might change my mind.
I'm not going to change my mind. Nothing has changed my mind." (cold as ice, looking right in my eyes)
Has anyone experienced this ^^^^ cold, confident statement from the WAS and then they actually DO change their mind?? Or is it possible that he will never change his mind just to prove a point? I'm really shaky now, and I could use some hope or a reality check.

All I could say was: "I know." then I looked him right in the eye and said:"you're really stubborn, you know that?"
He grinned and said: "You are too." I said: "yep." (thinking in my head that my stubborn act right now is not believing him, he probably implied that too.)

So what do I do now?? I know the answers will be to focus on me, GAL activities, etc..... but what do I do in these moments where I feel like the bomb is coming down all over again- and on a daily basis when my heart gets stomped on? How do you survive those moments? I'm really having a rough day, and I don't feel like Dbing, I want to scream, cry and beg him to stop all of this.

My GAL for today: I'm going to the movies at a cinema cafe, and having a glass of wine while I watch Girl w/Dragon Tattoo to celebrate my anniversary alone. I figured that movie wouldn't evoke feelings of love and loss, but we'll see.