feeling like giving up.....former DBing against OW

[imthemom]

I understand that the whole DB aproach is the main objective for this forum...and I have pretty much followed that, not from the very beginning but for at least the last 2 months...the talk we had the other night was the first talk we have had with each othe regarding R, I never bring it up and ive been dark for a very long time...with no steps, baby or other wise in any direction. its interesting that since ive changed my attitude he has come around, granted its only been 2 days but in those 2 days weve talked for the first time honestly and he then called yesterday and when he found out I was going out offered to check on the boys while I was out and did. That is something he use to do as a given before the OW got involved and has not done or even bothered to see S21 since then. I was actually shocked when he mentioned that "he might swing by and check on them"...

At the very least MY change in attitude has made it easier for him to communicate with me, but Im also concered that he could be "buttering me up" as he is concerned about the money he will be forced to pay when he signs the settlement agreement. Im simply listening to the complaints he had about how I treated him and using them to my benefit. How does it benefit me to stay dark and basically invisible...while OW is very visible and involved??? He said when we talked the other night that he was scared and blaming me for things that were not my problems but his and he hated himself for treating me that way, he has been more open the past month since we stopped Co Parenting but I have remainded dark and detached. I just thought maybe it was time to peek out from under the rock and see what was happening....
The way i treated him while he was in his program and working on his sobriety was completley unexceptable on my part...i was not supportive and basically bailed on him...because of my anger. That anger is gone now, ive worked hard on that...so maybe it seems like I focus on OW now...I guess I do...but im more aware of the fact that our biggest problem was communication and that is what I want to improve on regardless...we have to parent our S together and will need to be able to do that effectively how ever this turns out...and our S14 is happier when we are able to be around each other comfortably.

As far as being S when he met OW...yes we were living seperatley...but had an agreement that HE insisted on that we had sat and discussed at length because HE was concerned that I would meet someone and start dateing. We both agreed that that was not what the seperation was about, he needed to get sober and neither of us was interested in ending our marriage. And he was basically sleeping at our old house and spending every other minute here with us until the boys went to bed. We always had dinner together and we always spent weekends together....it was VERY sudden that that changed. And Im assuming that since he felt the need to lie about what he was doing, he knew it was wrong ....no matter what he is telling himself now.

I still have my days....but for the most part im going about my life, I know that I can survive without him...I just dont want to. Im aware that what I want may not matter and things may turn out not at all how I want and Im prepareing for that. Ive made big changes in my other relationships..not just with H...my relationships with my Ss, friends and family have improved because Ive made changes in me...Im proud of that.

and it is not in my nature to just roll over and let someone take my place...my nature is to fight for what i want. I always have, just not for my M or my H. which is why I thought that would be a huge 180...i have no intention to beg cry or plead like I did in the very beginning, but letting him see a side of me that he all but begged for before he met OW might not hurt....still thinking .......