Just got brushed up on your sitch, One. Definitely no fun! A break-up + OW is a double-whammy of hurt. You may not be following "the rules" to a T right now, but cut yourself some slack. Right now, you're hurting intensely and have been dealt a traumatic blow. We all first came on this site shaken and riddled with pain. It is definitely a process, no matter how things turn out.
The others are right in that you need to stop the pursuit immediately and go as dark as you can get. One thing I might mention is that, since your guy sounds like he is the "one-up" in this R and because you guys used to be incredibly close, he will not trust your darkness at first. He will test it in some possibly hurtful ways, maybe over a long period of time. Then, once he sees that this is truly the way that it is, perhaps real change will begin to go into effect.
Also, I mentioned both of these books on Accuray's thread on "Romantic Love vs. Mature Love," and they bear mentioning here: "After the Affair" by Janis Spring and "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass were the two most informative books that I read on affairs during the start of my sitch. I would highly recommend them both. Also, I'd advise checking out the website "Surviving Infidelity." It's a wealth of info. The "Wayward" section of their forums offer a POV from WAS' who now deeply regret their actions during the A. Not sure if it will help you, but it helped me gain more compassion and perspective toward my W.
Hang in there! It's going to be all right! You're with good people now.
