WHG: Chasing that rabbit with the pocketwatch

[workinghardguy]

Beginning a new thread... I sense after tomorrow I'll need to vent/journal a bit and the last thread was at 91 posts already so that's not going to work... If you're looking for the last thread it's here: WHG's last thread

Here is the last substantive post from my last thread:

Journaling... a good day considering... a lot of "family time" today, isn't that ironic? We celebrated SS's birthday today, even though it's next weekend. I decided to make him a big breakfast this morning so after getting up I asked him what he wanted, then ran to the store, and then whipped up his requests. We all ate breakfast together, W included. After breakfast he opened presents and then we all went bowling.

Bowling was fun. W kept sharing looks at me when the kids did something funny, but we've always done that, except perhaps when things were really bad, dark, and cold in our house. It was hard not to high five her or give her a squeeze when she got a strike or a double or a spare. Kids had a lot of fun.

After bowling was done, W left to go hang with her friends. I called her because we had told SS we would do ice cream after bowling, and we forgot. To her credit she came. She even ended up parking close to us in the ramp and called me so that we could wait up for her. We all walked over to the ice cream shop together, had ice cream, and walked back. Then W went off to hang with her friends and help them prep their new bistro.

I took the kids to my mom's house for cake and so SS could get his presents from my mom. It was about then that tomorrow started to sink in more. It got progressively harder the rest of the day. As we left my mom's house I gave her a hug and she started crying. She's helping tomorrow by keeping S after church and bringing him to the house after we've told SS and SD, so obviously she knows. She's so heartbroken and it's hard as a son to know you've made your mom feel sad.

We got home and we watched a movie until bedtime for S and SD. It all really hit me hard then. I didn't lose it around them, but once I was out of their rooms it came on like a ton of bricks. The last goodnight before things change for them.
Somewhere in here W came home and took a nap.

Came downstairs and played XBox with SS. We're definitely getting better at Black Ops W came downstairs, grabbed her beer, and left for her newly moved in friend's house just down the street. She might be home tonight, she might not. I was surprised that last night she came home and by 1:30. I didn't expect that.

Just now SS went to bed. We put a screen protector on his Kindle together. As we were doing it SS asked me where mom was at. I told him the friend's name. His response... "again? Jeez... she spends more time with her than with us." I really didn't know how to answer that... other than to say this was actually a different friend than the one she usually sees. I mean... what do you say? He's right of course. I felt bad that I couldn't come up with something.

And so tomorrow is almost here. I know I will find a way through it and be strong for my kids. I can't stop my brain from wondering how different our house will feel tomorrow night than it felt tonight. Especially since it really was a good family day... a day with a lot of love, camaraderie, fun, and caring. Not that tomorrow can't have those things, but I have to believe the kids will also have feelings of betrayal, loss, mourning, and grief. But we're heading there come what may.

Tonight is definitely a two Tylenol PM night.