Is There Hope?

[Oneeleven]

Do you think I completely messed up?

Maybe there isn't any point? Maybe this whole relationship is doomed and I should just find a place and move out timed for his return??? Ugg.

I just sent him this mess:

For what its worth, I am in no way wishing to talk with you in hopes you'll change your mind about us. I know once you make a decision, that's it. I just need to be able to plan and sort out my life a bit and need to clarify needs and expectations.

Thank goodness this is not a divorce, but it is still the end of a serious relationship where two people have become entwined. And therefore it needs some working out to be disolved.

So you can keep that in mind.



Hope you hear from you sometime soon.

[purgatory]

Breathe.....

I don't think you messed up, completely. I think you have a right to stick up for yourself and your needs (part of not being a doormat). But now that you've put it out there, the ball is in his court. You can't control when he will respond, even though you want answers now. Try to go dark, now. You've said your piece, (if he can read) then he knows how you feel and what you are looking for from him.

Here's the really hard part: don't bring it up again, in email or text. It's going to drive you crazy waiting and wondering what he's going to do. (kinda like all of us waiting for our WAS to come back/ make up their minds) The 'not knowing' about future events is really tough.

What is something that you like to do, that distracts your mind? For me, it's going to a movie (no love stories though). Some people go for a run and blast the music to drown out their thoughts (I can't run b/c of my heart, but sometimes I wish I could) Give yourself a goal of doing something like that this weekend, at least once.

Then, you can come back here and tell us all your scared/pathetic/sad/anxious thoughts from your day.... we can hear all that, he can't.

[ANS]

Hi One,

purgatory is bang-on.

As hard as it sounds, you gotta stop pursuing. I know that you want to let him know how you feel, but the picture he’s getting is one of desperation. That picture does not help your case at all.

you can come back here and tell us all your scared/pathetic/sad/anxious thoughts from your day.... we can hear all that, he can't.

[Oneeleven]

I know and agree with you guys, but its so hard!

His ex wife came by to pick up mail and some other stuff on Thurs nite. It was the first time we met. We ended up talking for over 3 hours. She had a lot to get off her chest and so did I. But it was helpful to get some insight from someone who knew him well.

I have a nagging suspicion she wrote him an email. And if I am right, that is why he is so mad.

I want so much to write him and say "WHY WON'T YOU TALK TO ME" I want so much to know if I'm right about my convo with the ex getting back with him.

Honestly, I feel like I am losing my mind a bit here.

[Nblost]

Keep in mind that obsessing is your mind's (incorrect) belief that you can control a situation. You can't.

Think about who your SO would find attractive...is it someone who would yell over text message "WHY WON'T YOU TALK TO ME"? Doubtful.

I wouldn't worry about his ex although maybe she had some insights that were helpful. You are speculating about their relationship...another dynamic you can't control.

Do things for yourself, focus on you...to quote a common phrase on here..."be someone only a fool would leave".

I know it's hard...I struggle with it every day and I obsess. But, I really try not to show that to my H. You will slip up, but you need to control yourself over things like text messages.

[ANS]

{{Oneeleven}}

[Oneeleven]

Thank you Pur, NBlost and thanks ANS, 'specially for the hugs. I need them. I'm kinda freaking out! I just went outside and shoveled snow like it was nobody's business. I was chucking big heavy shovelfulls over my head like a farmer does haybales. I feel better.

Can I ask a couple of questions and if any of ya'll feel like you might be able to answer please do. And I know these answers are just your opinions. I know that they will not determine the actual outcome

- Do you think I should stay until he gets back (even if we don't talk at all until then) ... Risk.. he could be really mean when he gets home and insist I move out pretty much immediately (I doubt he would toss me on the street that night or anything
- Do you think that I should even want to stay in a relationship with this person? If he is willing of course. Which he may not be. But lets say, he comes home. Agrees to go on the trip and let me stay till May 1 (which I prefer) and in the meantime we get along fantastically and we start to fall for each other once again
Given that we don't have much tied together other than history, our hearts and I am his commonlaw and POA (easy fix with a few papers). We could walk away without too much fall out.

Side note: I think I mentioned it above a bit but when I spoke with his ex i found out a LOT of stuff that we fought about when we got together that I thought he was being dishonest about, he was in fact telling the truth! The reason my spidy-senses were going off is he was being less than truthful about some things, but those things were relatively minor and really didn't matter. He was being dishonest because he was afraid he would upset me/I would leave him.

Thanks for all the advice everyone. You've been so helpful. And other people's situations and reactions are a great learning experience to read - only I wish in a way that they weren't there to read as I wish you all didn't have to go through what you are

111

[ANS]

Hi 111,

and thanks ANS, 'specially for the hugs. I need them.

Yeah. We all need them sometimes. A virtual hug sometimes feels good, even if we can't get a real one.

Do you think I should stay until he gets back (even if we don't talk at all until then) ... Risk.. he could be really mean when he gets home and insist I move out pretty much immediately

That's a question only you can answer. I've been there, from the "mean" perspective. Repeated kicks in the stomach. So many of the things my W said are still with me and still cause me unimaginable pain. Outwardly, I'm detached. To be honest, I'm not so good at it on the inside.

So the question is, are you willing to take the risk?

If you're asking about the stress of being forced out in a hurry (rather than the "mean" stuff), then I don't really have an answer. Sorry.

Some people would think I'm being kinda stupid for putting up with all of this, but for me, it was - and continues to be - worth the risk. In my case, W stopped being mean and settled on more or less indifferent. That's not good enough for me, so I hang in there. Stupid? Maybe. I dunno.

Do you think that I should even want to stay in a relationship with this person? If he is willing of course. Which he may not be. But lets say, he comes home. Agrees to go on the trip and let me stay till May 1 (which I prefer) and in the meantime we get along fantastically and we start to fall for each other once again

Once again, only you can answer this question. I would venture that if he is not willing, then you could cut your losses or you could continue to DB. If, however, he is willing, then that's what you want, right?

[kolja]

I want so much to write him and say "WHY WON'T YOU TALK TO ME" I want so much to know if I'm right about my convo with the ex getting back with him.

Well, definitely don't write THAT email.

Yeah, you backslid a LITTLE, but pick yourself up, dust yourself off and press on.

Interesting about talking to his exwife. I think on the whole, that was probably a good thing even if she did write to him about it. After all, you got some important insight about him right?

My first wife, long after our divorce, told me (we were in casual contact) that she had since wondered how things would be different - I kind of wished she could tell that to my current wife, but I know that them getting in contact in my case would be an unmitigated disaster!

[BFloat]

welcome to the board! i take it you are not on the west coast because there is certainly no snow here!

sorry you find yourself here but it is a great place to get support. sounds like you have been getting some really good advice. and i agree.. stop pursuing!!!


- Do you think I should stay until he gets back (even if we don't talk at all until then) ... Risk.. he could be really mean when he gets home and insist I move out pretty much immediately (I doubt he would toss me on the street that night or anything
- Do you think that I should even want to stay in a relationship with this person? If he is willing of course. Which he may not be. But lets say, he comes home. Agrees to go on the trip and let me stay till May 1 (which I prefer) and in the meantime we get along fantastically and we start to fall for each other once again
Given that we don't have much tied together other than history, our hearts and I am his commonlaw and POA (easy fix with a few papers). We could walk away without too much fall out.

i worry about what you say in the above. it sounds like he holds all the cards. i understand that he is the WAS and that you want him to come back.. but it concerns me that you are not thinking about what's best for you. unfortunately.. the WAS is often capable of doing and saying very hurtful things without really thinking about anyone but themselves.

it might be best to go dark. is there somewhere you could go if it's decided that you won't be staying with him when he gets back? if you have a backup, i think you may feel a little more confident and stronger.

as for whether or not you should stay together. you will need to ask yourself if YOU want to stay together. while he's away.. it gives you a chance to think about what your boundaries are and what you will or will not put up with.

keep posting! it really does help!