I figured this as much. What was weird was that my W did not make it sound as though the dude's size influenced her in any way. Technically, she said, "He's pretty well-endowed -- he's bigger than you, but not by a whole lot." It was as though she was just mentioning it as something that interested her. And also as though she was trying to hurt me. Does that make sense, that I got those two intertwined tones from her? Gah, it's been so confusing.
Also, now that I mentioned it, she said that OM could go "for hours," but she made a comment about how average the sex was, like "ehhhh...it's okay." Now that you mention it, I must not have been that terrible because almost every time my W and I had sex, she O'd. I don't mean to be explicit, but she wasn't faking with me -- I could physically feel it happening. (She also told me that, at the time, she had not yet O'd with OM. So chalk one up for me.)
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
If he's into S & M, then it's just weird that she's turned on by his behavior.
This is the primary reason why I believe that her experience w/rape is the driving reason behind her A -- like she's trying to exorcize her demons or something. When I first met her, she was extremely sexual. I like to say that sex constituted about half of our R at first. Then, after we became serious, she started to hate sex. Mostly only did it because she felt that she had a "duty" to do it with me, and also because she liked feeling close to me.
Then, in the last year, she started to became really sexual again but complained that I was "hesitant" about what I was doing. That she sometimes wished that she could just be "taken." I understand that there were things that I could have differently, maybe worked on my self-confidence more. It doesn't excuse her A, but I get it. Still, after all those years of treating her so gingerly, I wasn't used to being so aggressive in that department.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
when you begin "really" dating again, and want to get intimate, just let your new woman know that your ex w told you some things that hurt your ego. All you ask for is that your lover communicate HER needs and preferences to you b/c you "aim to please!"
Thanks so much for the reassuring comments and advice. I realize quite readily that because my W has been my only sexual partner, and because of the things that have occurred, my sexuality has not been very well-developed. I'm sure that whoever else may come along will be much more supportive and much less condemning of my efforts.
Oneeleven: Thanks for the supportive words. Mind-movies really ain't fun.
