I need help!

[kolja]

Don't let the moderating deter you. I know it can be frustrating when it feels like everything is falling apart around you and desperately want insight, but just keep posting about things as they happen - when they're approved people will see them, gain some background on your situation, and soon enough you'll be able to post right away.

I'm in a similar boat with a wife who's given up after I've done more than my share (or in some cases NOT done some things that ought to have been done) and I'm also in the process of trying to save my marriage - or at least pave the road for another go around if she goes through with the D word - AND make myself a better person for all of it.

I definitely recommend both books - get them and read them as soon as you can. The content is presented in a way that I think will reassure you, and the advice in them is laid out in a very easy to read, easy to absorb fashion. Get them from a library if you need to, but if you're like me you'll eventually want your own copies. My copy of DB is liberally underlined, notes in the margins and all that. My counselor loaned me her copy of DR, and I already know I'll want my own copy for future reference because like many, mine is going to be a long process.

If you've not been to a counselor, definitely look into it. It's really helped me to have someone with a wealth of professional experience and perspective who I can talk to. If you need to go find one, both the books have some advice on picking the right one for you but if you want to start finding one before you have a chance to read them, the important take-aways are to make sure that the counselor is 'marriage friendly' (if my counselor listened to my story, then said that the best thing would be for me to write it off and move on, it would really frustrate me and I'm willing to bet it would you too) and solution oriented.

Good luck!