Wife Left (Part 2)

[CO1978]

Thanks again for all the great advice.

This is going to be our 2nd time going together to MC (same therapist I have been seeing individually, she has also seen same therapist by herself once).

I will prepare myself the best I can by expecting her to say she wants the D, or is better off without me. I will continue to shut up and listen as I have been doing since my last emotional breakdown on December 1st. I know I have come a long way since then, now it will be my time to shine, and show her.

I know the MC will ask her what she wants and where is this headed. What if he asks me the same? What would be the best way to answer?

Obviously I will strike: "Nothing is so different now from 7 years ago." out of the answer, but what do I say when asked?

[workinghardguy]

What if he asks me the same? What would be the best way to answer?

That's a tough one... none of us are you so we don't know what you want. If my W actually would go to a MC and I got that question... at least at this point in my journey I think my own personal answer would be something like,

"I want a healthy, functioning relationship. A relationship where we both have needs and those are met. Where we work together to help each other reach goals that are both individual and common."

Note, I'm not saying I want it with my W... I would like it to be with her. But most of all what I want, and it may not be this minute, is a healthy relationship with someone that meets those standards and aspirations. If it can be with my W then that's great... but the reality is right now that's not going to happen, but it's still what I want.

[CO1978]

Today W called to ask if I wanted S, said she could drop him off because she had to be at work at 6 pm and could pick him up in morning. I hesitated and said that was fine. She asked if I had plans, I said "yes" (I did have plans to go out with some friends) but told her I'd rather be with S.

I told her she got some mail. She asked what, I told her it looked like some kind of loan papers. She said she couldn't get car loan any longer, because the car price, car make and mileage where impossible to match to what she wanted and was allowed for the loan.

I asked if it was so bad keeping the car she had. She said if I minded her driving a car that was in my name and under my insurance, I said why would I mind. She hesitated mumbled then said nothing.

I asked her "what" and then it happened.

She told me she didn't want to keep my hopes up and in so many words told me she wanted "D". She told me she felt empty, and could forgive me but could never forget the past. I asked her if that is why she wanted to go to counseling, she said yes.

I then entered non DB mode.

I tried reasoning with her. Told her of how I changed, how I wanted to show her. She said that was all good, but didn't change anything. I told her I changed for me not her, she said that is good, she was afraid that my changes were not genuine.

I told her D was not the answer and it wasn't good for our S to grow up with divorced parents. She said it wasn't fair for him to grow up with parents who fought and didn't love each other.

She told me 2 months of changes doesn't erase the past 2 years. Especially the last 8 months. She told me she could never love me again, not after thinking of killing herself because of me. She couldn't ever have sex again because she would be afraid to tell me if it hurt and have to stop that sometimes I would be sweet about it sometimes I would get mad.

She continued to throw all the small things at me, which added up to her not loving me. She said she tried so hard 8 months ago to save our marriage, but now its too late. I told her I wasn't that man anymore, I begged and pleaded for her to consider starting over.

I told her respected her decision to move out and when we first met we weren’t "in love", but we did fall in love. I told her maybe we moved too fast by living together right away, and never giving ourselves a chance to just date.

I asked her if she had any feelings for me. She said no, she just didn't want to hurt me. I said, well that has to be some kind of feelings for me.

She told me she can't love me again. I asked her if she told herself to fall in love with me when she met? I told her she never could know unless she tried. I continued to try to convince and reason with her not to give up and to try, but I should have known she wouldn't listen.

She said we could talk more about it in the morning. She said she wasn't going to go after any of my money or retirement or anything like that in the divorce and she wanted us to still get along for S. She said her family is all mad at her over this.

As I said I knew I entered non DB mode, but couldn't stop. This really SUXXXXXX!

[CO1978]

Some advice would be great on what to say to her tomorrow. Time doesn't seem to be on my side, she did say she didn't want me to be surprised when she files for D.

I know people threaten all the time and don't follow through, but I know her, she will.

We talked a little when W dropped S off.

She did admit this is just as much as her fault as it is mine. I told her time can heal this, but she said she can't be with me.

I told her I couldn't imagine anyone else raising S. She said it works both ways.

I asked what about when he starts school in September. She said we should hold him back until next year since he is on the borderline for age. Then she said she would move closer so she could live in school district.

More trying to reason with her came out, to no avail.

She again said we can talk in morning.

[CO1978]

Looking over some previous posts in my thread and other threads I do understand that W hasn't had enoogh time to believe my changes are real. She did make some comments today that she sees them, but probably isn't quite sure they will last.

She said she is still needs to cintinue to get help for herself.

What I can't get over is her "feeling empty". She said she feels no emotion when she pets the dogs and cats. The only time she feels any emotion at all is for S.

And what hurts me even more is when she said she has no feelings for me and can forgive me, but never forget.

How can I help her with these empty feelings? Can I help her with this?

Sorry there is so much going through my head right now. Was so blindsided today with the bomb.

[labug]

I know this hurts, I've been there. You can't help her with this. The best you can do right now is not talk to her except about your son at pick-up and drop-off.

Detach, detach, detach. You've never really detached, at all. She's never had the opportunity to be away from you and heal.

Hang in there.

[CO1978]

She wants to talk about this? So do I just put it off, obviously I won't bring it up, but how do I handle her bringing it up?

[Shaky]

Man I don't think there is much you can do. Seems as though she is on a mission and you are not included.

[BklynMom]

I think this part next phase is critical and its so so hard. When she says we are getting a D you say "okay I understand". Thats it.

If she starts talking details about custody, finances etc - I suggest you say, "It really hard for me give a fair answer on that because I dont want this to happen. I will hire a lawyer and ask him what is fair and go along with that. I dont want this to be difficult I just want a neutral party to determine what is fair for both of us"

Dont engage her about the relationship!! Yes just put it off, say I need to get some advice from whoever. Each response needs to be planned and thought through.

Tell her you cant talk about it now, you need to think, tell her anything but dont answer any questions on the spot. You need to think about each and everything you say to her.

Dont give up! Your son does not want you to give up. Do what works, if that means being a sucker, be a sucker.

There is so much hope. You are on the right path!!

[workinghardguy]

You give her what she wants... at least emotionally. She wants to be away from you, give that her. She wants to be divorced, give that to her. She wants to be single, give that to her.

It does get better, oddly enough, with each step away... at least that's my experience. The coldness thaws and you can at least get to a better place perhaps. You're right of course... you can't stop her from bringing up the D. And you can't stick your fingers in your ears and go "la,la,la,la I can't hear you", so then you have to discuss.

Bkyln's advice on the L and the process is spot on. You give her what she wants, but that's from the emotional side. The actual D is a business transaction, not a relationship process.