feeling like giving up.....former DBing against OW

[25yearsmlc]

MZ and Abby..
You guys have talked about how your 180s included a little bit of persueing on your part as that is what your H needed...out of curiosity, explain that to me.

Since i started this DBing i have thought that what was suggested was really counter productive because our biggest problem in our M was that H always pursued and i always was the aloof hard to get one. Yes, when he first dropped the D bomb i flipped and cried and said i would do what ever it took but he wasnt intetested...he was neck deep in A by then.


I don't want to give you any 2 x4s ITM, b/c I know you are hurting...but don't overly revise things, as we are all wont to do. It prevents our growth when we need it the most.

Your h DID want back into the m while he was in recovery but your anger at all the injustice of it all (none of which seems to matter much to you now that you focus on OW)

caused you to make it damn hard on him.

And you WERE separated when he began dating OW not just "to him" but to you as well. Your signature listed the sep before you learned of her. So there's at least a big thread of truth to how he sees that part.


OTOH he has behaved rudely to you at times. And he was a real jerk to s14 but my take on things now is that there's some improvement.

BTW In the restaurant I'd have left even if it meant eating elsewhere. No way would I allow that treatment OR

I'd have gone over and said "it's silly for me to stand there waiting when I can ask how your day is, h, and then I'll be on my way b/c I have to meet someone...(GAL implied)"...if faced with more rudeness, leave.



So now were 4 months from D..a big 180 would be to pursue..but how do i do that while he is still seeing OW and im behaving "as if" the divorce is fine with me.?

You don't do both of those and certainly not the latter.

You are simply an upbeat happy woman who has resigned herself to her h's unfortunate (unfortunate for him) choice to get a divorce.

It's as if you have a dear friend losing her sight but you are not an opthalmologist and cannot fix her eyes

so you let her bump into things until she knows where the furniture is and where she's going...you have to let her bump into things, b/c she cannot learn another way.

Your h is on a journey and for now you are Not invited...let him go BUT

be as happy and polite and upbeat as you can be about YOUR LIFE, AND WARM...as if you DO care about him (b/c you do)

but that you "get it"...he feels he's done. Okay, so you respect that.

It just so happens that you look and feel great, and your job hunt is going well and your life is moving well

and you are looking forward to what God has for you right around the corner...

b/c that's the best way to live and b/c that is, quite simply, very attractive.


Ive always felt like i went about this wrong, if i would have mildly pursued at first instead of crying...i think it would have worked better.
Just curiouse to hear peoples thoughts on this approach...

those are my thoughts...you are the agent of change here. NOT him...or if he is, he already did that by stopping the booze.

you have more power here than you realize.