I am new to this forum, but have read Michelle's book, The Divorce Remedy and actually had some DB Coaching Sessions. So I'm trying my best to apply the techniques, but have had a few backslides. I'm doing my best... but this is the hardest thing ever.
Me: 39 Wife: 43 Married Seven Years; one child, age 4
My wife says she decided a year ago that our relationship was over, but just got the nerve to tell me about a month ago.
We live away from our home country on work permits, and her residency is tied to mine.
I have discovered that, about two months ago, she set out to get her own permit so her residency won't depend on me, and that she mapped out a plan to "have flings" for a few months while she prepared for formal separation. Her hope is to find a new "true love" after she has cut ties and 'cleaned up' her situation with me. (I discovered all this through transcipts of her online psychic chats... sadly she has spent over $2,000 on these services).
She has activated her plan and has pursued three men for "flings" -- and has been sexual with one.
She says she loves me, cares about me, but didn't feel wanted or fulfilled in our marriage. She says she is the only one who tried to make it work. Says she can only remember bad times. I know these are all pretty typical sentiments of a wife who's about to walk away. I admit I made some mistakes, but I don't accept all the blame. There are two people in a marriage, after all.
The back story here is that she started a new job seven months ago and started crushing on a coworker. I think this made her realize what she felt she was lacking in our marriage and she struck out to fill the void. She is also on anti-depressants. She recently had a hysterectomy.
I love my wife and want to make our marriage work, but I am dealing with someone who is having a mid-life crisis, is clinically depressed and, as a result of her recent surgery, I feel is hormonally imbalanced. And she is actively pursuing a continued relationship with the OM she had sex with. She denies it but also says it wouldn't matter anyway, because we're over.
This morning she asked if I didn't think it would be better for her to move out to ease the tension between us, which is affecting our son. I said no, and unfortunately I backslid into talking about our relationship and what the reality of formal separation would look like -- us moving back to our home country; our son split between two homes, etc.
I am focused on improving myself, and trying to do things to help build up her self esteem and let her know I value her. But I also know that right now it's not good to discuss our relationship, and that all the work to be done is going to be one-sided for a while.
I know what I have to do... I'm not sure I'm up for the challenge, though. I'm tired. I'm depressed. I don't feel like acting nonchalant and positive in this situation. But I have no choice but to try. This really is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
