Where to next?

[mishka422]

ITM, we do try to support each other as much as possible. I'm happy if it helped at all.

I've been trying to stay away a little more just because my head is not in a good place and no one needs to hear all of my crud anymore. It's getting really old and tiring.

So, how was everyone's holidays?

[antlers]

Hi. What's it gonna take to get your head in a good place?

[mishka422]

Frankly, I have no idea. I've been working at it for so long now and nothing seems to help. It's just been too many years of struggle and I'm just exhausted from it now so I've gone into survival mode only. It seriously stinks.

[whatisis]

Hey, maybe "working at it" is the problem! Sometimes we get so caught up in trying to sort things out we just end up spinning our wheels through the same mud we've been turning over for years...we just sink deeper into the muck. What's the answer?...I dunno, if I had one it would kind of defeat the purpose of this post, wouldn't it!

[antlers]

Sounds like it stinks. That's not surviving...that's just existing! What exactly is it that would make mishka422 happy? Really...something realistic and obtainable?

[mishka422]

I don't know. I just don't know anymore. Existing is better than wallowing so that is what I choose to do.

[antlers]

It's still sad to just "exist" from now on. I understand wallowing and just existing. I did it for 3 years. Didn't do me one bit of good. Honestly. I'm choosing to 'live'...and you can too. Whatever that entails...you gotta start doing things that make YOU happy. If you don't know what they are...then who does? It's your life. After all the painful stuff you've been through, do you think you just deserve to 'exist'? It's a real big step to be completely responsible for your own happiness. Assume that responsibility.

[mishka422]

When I do things for myself I feel bad. I do them thinking that taking care of me first for a change will lead me to a better attitude but I end up feeling like I need to do double or triple the work to take care of others to make up for it. I don't have the energy anymore to do all of that.

It's not helping that I've caught a NASTY cold just 7 days into the new year in which I resolved NOT to allow illness into my life. I know that's not always possible but I have been taking such care not to be around sick people, taking extra vitamins, etc. etc. Didn't work and now I'm sick and miserable. UGH.

Thankfully, Gabe got called in to work so he isn't seeing me lay here on the couch whining and moaning. Not a good thing to be presenting when I'm already reasonably sure he has one foot out the door again.

[antlers]

Sometimes you just need to say fuk it.

I've heard that before. What book was that from?

Gineen is right. Harmful adaptations to existing like you are include walking on eggshells.
It's insidious and demeaning to have to do that. You walk on eggshells to keep the peace or a semblance of connection. You second guess yourself so much that you feel as though you have lost yourself.
Recovery from walking on eggshells requires removing focus from repair of your relationship and your partner and placing it squarely on your personal healing. The good news is that the most powerful form of healing comes from within you. You can draw on your great inner resources by reintegrating your deepest values into your everyday sense of self. This will make you feel more valuable, confident, and powerful, regardless of what your partner does.
 

[oldtimer]

Quit with the analysis.

(1) Stop smoking.
(2) Use the money saved on cigarettes for your gym class.
(3) Do stuff for yourself. Quit making excuses. Quit sabotaging yourself by overdoing for others. When you feel the urge to overdo for others, do something else for yourself instead.
(4) Be direct and sincere in your communication.