Too Little, Too late. 2

[purgatory]

ces 67 said: 'Instead of wanting to save your M, you'll be tempted to say you deserve this love and may start looking elsewhere yourself. You're human and its not wrong to have these feelings. Just be aware and check yourself on what it is you really want."

You are absolutely right. I've found myself having the thoughts about looking elsewhere- but then it makes me sick to my stomach to think about being with another man when I'm still in love with H, I would be cheating (even though I'm not his anymore). I just keep reminding myself: 'how would it make me feel if I knew he was with another woman?' My answer is always that I would feel sick/angry and hurt.... so if I don't want him to do that, why would I? I can't control his actions, only mine. And I want my actions to match my 'words': "that I am standing in the fire for our M and the path back home is always smooth. But while you're working on finding yourself, I am too."

something you made me think about.... I was slim and sexy when H met me. I never had to worry about what I ate and I never gained weight. THEN, the baby came and all that went out the window. I had such body issues and confusion as to why the weight wasn't gong away. My H always told me I was sexy and beautiful. He always touched me and initiated sex. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin that I constantly rejected his advances. I would 'give in' sometimes, but he could always tell that I wasn't in it. Fast forward 5 years and a second child... we had a sex starved M. This created a huge self-confidence problem for H- because he was convinced that he was the problem (regardless of how many times I tried to convince him otherwise) This is when he really started focusing on the gym. At the same time, I was in therapy to discover how to change my issues. by the time I worked through my 'body demons', he had decided that it was over. So now, I'm left with all this love that I am ready and capable of showing in ways I've never done before, and he wants nothing to do with me.

He always said: "I don't care what size you are. As long as you can keep up with me and the boys. You are so beautiful to me I didn't fall in love with you because of your jean size"
When the bomb dropped: "I don't find you attractive at all. If you were hotter, I could probably deal with the fighting... but since your personality has become ugly- the outside is more of an issue now. I don't want you to be the one who kisses me and ML. The only thing I find pretty about you are your eyes and boobs" (he's a boob guy, figures.)

[since the bomb 1 month ago, I've lost 15 lbs and 2 pants sizes. H mentioned to his brother that he's noticed I've lost weight, but he's never told me. I can't work out a lot b/c of my heart/lung issues- but I've done a 180 on my diet. I also don't walk around in yoga pants all the time, I wear nice jeans that show off my smaller waist and fitted tops]

Is that really possible? How do you gain 'attractiveness' in someones eyes who has clearly decided that you are repulsive?? I can't ever be the size 2, blonde that I was when we met 9 years ago.... how do I catch his eye??