feeling like giving up.....former DBing against OW

[imthemom]

I know, I know MZ...and Ive taken adantage of this "time for me"..starting a new career, bettering my relationships with my sons, my oldest needed alot of work and it has grown leaps and bounds since this all started. Doing alot of soul searching about my insecurities and what I did to bring my life to this point and owning it...thats huge for me.

When I think about what is happening with my R now, and yes I still call it an R...even though Im sure he doesnt like to think of it this way, im still his wife, i go in circles...i second guess...My H does not consider what he has done an A. to him it was ok because in his words we were seperated (although still spending all our time together up until he met her and still in the mind frame of not getting divorced) and he had told me he was done (although he did not tell me this until after he had started the A and had been seeing her for 3 months i have since found out) yes he had disappeared and had become distant and I assumed he was working (that was a problem of ours, he would work weeks without a day off and always put work before anything to do with the family) well...he was telling me he was working...
but the fact that he believes that he is not having an A since all the above is how he sees it makes me crazy...like im living this in my head and am over reacting!!! all the lieing and sneaking around does not factor into it for him..
last night we had about an hour convo by text for the first time in months...the jist of it was we both said we were sorry for how things were handled ..we both did things to bring us to this point. We both care about each other and hate that we have hurt each other the way we have. He wishes I would have given him the attention and affection that he so desperately needed going through his recovery and I wish I would have been there for him more dureing that period...it ended with him telling me that he was not in love with her but does he like her? yes...does he like spending time with her? yes...and then we both said how talking like this felt good and that we both missed talking to each other. I know that alot of people on this board have these talks with there WAS all the time...this is a first for us. I dont know what it means, part of me thinks that he is trying to appease me because of the money situation. He has to sign the support order in the next week or so and he thinks its way to much. the other half of me wants to believe that this is a crack...but how can he talk to me like that and then get on the phone and talk to our son (who has NO IDEA about the A and thinks his dad is so lonely sitting at his new house alone all the time) and then litterally turn over in bed and have sex with another woman...who he has been seeing for almost a year from what I can guess, and then say he did not have an A??????

part of me says I should start really moving in and being more friendly ....but ive tried that before (christmas) and he always turns it down. But then last night he was again saying he didnt want it this way...it sounded so simple last night, i didnt say so but the main point he spoke of was how i wasnt giving him any affetion, he would tell me he loved me and I wouldnt respond. To me that is a simple fix...we work on our M and learn from this and keep our family intact...instead he chooses to keep seeing her and says that she had nothing to do with him making his desicion....It frustrated me that he is not being honest..

I cant decide if I should just let it be what it is or start making an effort to be friendly to him and see how he reacts....

going to a wedding reception tonight to dance and get my mind off of him...in the end its his desicion but I hate how hes rewriting the whole story...its BS!!!