Indecision and the affair continues (Part 2)

[MynameisMZ]

A are such conundrums and it is hard to get your mind around all the info that is out there. Nobody has been able to effectively explain it to me.

One of the things I don't understand is the secrecy aspect. There is a lot of literature that advises you to not tell....in case your WAS and you decide to reunite. I understand that aspect of it. However, I think keeping it under wraps in a way keeps the mystery and clandestine aspect of it going.

I view cheating on your spouse as breaking a law, committing a sin. In the legal and religious sectors you pay restitution or penance. There has to be some sort of exposure and accountability for what you have done if you break the law or commit a sin.... but not here, not in these situations.

Sometimes I am resentful of how my H has basically taken us to the $h!ts and has come out smelling like a rose. He did not lose his job despite many people having strong suspicions to actually knowing about it. He did not lose me or our M and his idea of earning back my trust is coming home every night and NOT having an A. Our friends who do know do one of the following: they don't want to know about it, they want me to "just get over it" and/or say things like, "These things happen." Even in cx, our MC wanted to focus on the future, not rehash things. Because I am the most injured party, I'm constantly in pain. Oh, but don't whimper or show your pain. My God! It's like every time they cheat, you lose an appendage. H says it is like a cut that eventually heals and you can barely see the scar. I said, "Really?....REALLY?! It's more like every time you did it with her I lost a hand, then the other, then my feet, then my legs and arms....it's not just a cut." Wish Stehen King would write a novel like that. Maybe I'll write him with my idea.

He never had to tell MC himself the things he said, allowed ow to do to me, or to look introspectively. It would have been VERY healing to have to sit there while he told her details of what he did. A sort of confession.

ow is gone, but she had ONE friend who is around. I've known this guy from HS and we worked together for a few years during HS. He knows me, knows my kids, works with my H, so I find myself baffled by his friendship with a woman who would trash me, risk our family, screw my H. Why didn't he say anything? I want to know that. I've asked my H to arrange a meeting with him. I've been asking for about 6 months now. I think it may happen. I just need to bear witness to my H telling another accessory to the crime what he did wrong.....how much it hurt me.

I think we have an obligation as human beings to tell anyone that an A is wrong and will only hurt others badly. I wonder how our boys will fare in the future with what has happened to our family. #1 is completely and utterly wrapped up in a new girlfriend, #2 has avoided a R as has #3 who had a girlfriend sort of but felt she was too clingy. Are these young men going to think it is a man's right to have an A?

No, nobody wants to be around a hurting person. In primitive societies they take an injured person away from the tribe. I've lost a few "friends" because THEY felt rejected by my absence. I tried to make them understand that I needed to make my world small so that I could mange it. ....oh...I could go on and on.

I'm going for a walk with a fellow LBS.